Punctuation Introduction

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Like grammar nerds like to say, punctuation is a matter of life and death. There's a huge difference between "Let's eat, Grandma" and "Let's eat Grandma."

Ba-dum ching!

Yes, grammarians can also be cornballs. But grammar truly is a matter of life and death… of your dignity as a writer. And as a human being.

You could write that, "Rachel Ray finds inspiration in cooking her family and her dog." Oof.

You could post a sign in the disabled/family restroom at your establishment that reads "Attention: toilet only for disabled elderly pregnant children." Oof. Oof. And also—what?!

And it ain't just commas that spell the difference between cannibalism and family dining or embarrassment and writing proficiency.

Without periods, you could end up writing "I have two hours to kill someone come hang out." (Terrifying.)

Overindulgence in quotation marks could have you saying that your restaurant serves the best "chicken" in town, leading hungry would-be patrons to think "Uh, what is that chicken really made out of?"

Basically, all punctuation is there for a reason. It shows degrees of separation and emphasis. In fact, when you think about it, punctuation symbols are a lot like road signs. No, they're not huge and green. They tell your reader when to look alive and anticipate, when to slow down, and when to come to a complete stop.

Simply put, punctuation symbols are a powerful tool. Use them to get your audience to read your writing exactly how you want it to be read. Feel the power!

Disclaimer

Punctuation is, uh, kind of made up.

See, it was originally used to help people know when to pause in a sentence. Comma was a short pause, semi-colon was a longer pause, and period was a full stop. So who are we to tell you that YOU CANNOT USE A COMMA THERE?

Plus, with the thousand ways we now have to communicate, punctuation is always changing. Remember when a period didn't mean you were angry? Those were the days.

Bottom line: take everything everyone says about punctuation with a grain of salt. Yes, you need to pass your grammar exam, but you don't need to deal with grammar tyrants.

Quiz Yourself on Punctuation

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You are drafting your first essay for your English class. The prompt asks you to write a narrative telling a story of how you developed one of your fears. You write about your unfortunate first encounter with that blood-curdlingly terrifying species known as the squirrel. Which of the following passages does not belong in your narrative essay?

(A) Then he jumped on me! Squirrels are the most swift and vicious animals that have ever lived!
(B) When the squirrel bit into my arm, I screamed, "Ouch! I'm going to die!"
(C) You will never believe what happened next—the rest of the squirrel's family came after me!
(D) I ran quickly, seeking refuge. Eureka! I spotted a mossy pond, which kept the feisty family at bay.

Choose the BEST explanation for the quotation marks in the passage below.


Whenever I came home with a broken heart, my dad would tell me that there were still plenty of other fish in the sea. All I had to do was find the right one. Then I would know what "love" truly felt like. Well, here I am forty years later, still fishing. Maybe I need better bait…


(A) The author is directly quoting his or her father.
(B) The author wants to call the reader's attention to the word "love."
(C) The author is paraphrasing an old adage.
(D) The author does not buy into the idea of "love."

Identify the grammatical error in the following passage.


The researcher hypothesized that giving women chocolate would make them happier, indeed, that was the main outcome of his study. What was the other outcome of his study? His love life improved dramatically.


(A) There is a fragment.
(B) There is a run-on sentence.
(C) There is a rhetorical question.
(D) There is no grammatical error.

Stephanie is shopping at Costco when she runs into John Cusack, her favorite actor of all time, ever. Unable to mask her fangirl tendencies, she immediately begins quoting Mr. Cusack's films to him. Here's one of her favorite quotes from High Fidelity:


"She didn't make me miserable, or anxious, or ill at ease. You know, it sounds boring, but it wasn't. It wasn't spectacular either. It was just good. But really good."


If Stephanie wants to speed things up so Mr. Cusack can finish his shopping, how would she best shorten the quote while retaining its original meaning?

(A) "She didn't make me miserable, or anxious, or ill at ease… It wasn't spectacular either. It was just… really good."
(B) "… It sounds boring, but it wasn't. It wasn't spectacular either. It was just good. But really good."
(C) "She didn't make me miserable… anxious… ill at ease… just good… really good."
(D) "She didn't make me miserable, anxious, or ill at east… It was just good. But really good."

Which of the following options uses quotation marks correctly? 

I. A huge Chicago Bears fan, Grandpa Leroy once told me, "The wise Vince Lombardi once said, 'Football is like life,' but I would argue that football is life. Literally nothing else matters." 

II. I once had a chat with the Geico gecko, who charmingly told me, "You deserve a better car insurance rate." How could he not tell that I am only ten years old? 

III. Kara whispered, "She said that he said, 'Yeah, I like her,' with a shrug, but my other sources say he said it with a huge smile on his face. What is a girl to believe?"

(A) I
(B) I and II
(C) II and III
(D) All of them

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