Tender Offer

Isn’t that how all offers should be made? Tenderly? Like Elvis. Yeah, he was the king. "Love me tender….Love me Shmoop…" Sure, those were the original lyrics.

Anyway...tendering is just a fancy, semi-British-y word for asking. And it applies most often to governments and large corporate entities seeking bids for stuff.

Like, as part of its huge commitment to providing true diversity in communities, the U.S. government is going to build a chain of S&M establishments called Stocks and Bonds. So there will be bondage parlors in each of the 50 capital cities in America. With opposite stylings of a whip, it tenders for offers from contractors who submit bids to build the building shells, the noise reducers, the leather storage areas, the first aid facilities, and so on.

Why is this whole tender process needed? Like, why can’t the government just hire their buddies to go build it? Well, if they had no guidelines or, um…discipline…then the room for corruption and all kinds of misappropriation would be too big, and arrests would be made, and cuffs would come out. And not the fun kind. So there’s a process. The government tenderly asks for bids and then people…submit.

Well, the same applies to corporate America: things like takeover bids. Google is paying all cash to buy Netflix. They make a tender offer at 300 bucks a share to buy all of the shares out there. Why is it...tender? Because they are gently asking and hoping and praying that Netflix shareholders will, in fact, sell them their shares for 300 bucks a piece. Once Google has enough shares, they effectively own the company and can do with it what they will. Hopefully those Netflixers will…behave. Or else.