All's Well That Ends Well: Act 1, Scene 1 Translation

A side-by-side translation of Act 1, Scene 1 of All's Well That Ends Well from the original Shakespeare into modern English.

Original Text	Translated Text
Source: Folger Shakespeare Library
Enter young Bertram Count of Rossillion, his mother the Countess, and Helen, Lord Lafew, all in black. COUNTESS In delivering my son from me, I bury a second husband. BERTRAM And I in going, madam, weep o’er my father’s death anew; but I must attend his Majesty’s command, to whom I am now in ward, evermore 5 in subjection. LAFEW You shall find of the King a husband, madam; you, sir, a father. He that so generally is at all times good must of necessity hold his virtue to you, whose worthiness would stir it up where it wanted 10 rather than lack it where there is such abundance. COUNTESS What hope is there of his Majesty’s amendment? LAFEW He hath abandoned his physicians, madam, under whose practices he hath persecuted time 15 with hope, and finds no other advantage in the process but only the losing of hope by time. COUNTESS This young gentlewoman had a father—O, that “had,” how sad a passage ’tis!—whose skill was almost as great as his honesty; had it stretched 20 so far, would have made nature immortal, and death should have play for lack of work. Would for the King’s sake he were living! I think it would be the death of the King’s disease. LAFEW How called you the man you speak of, 25 madam? COUNTESS He was famous, sir, in his profession, and it was his great right to be so: Gerard de Narbon. LAFEW He was excellent indeed, madam. The King very lately spoke of him admiringly, and mourningly. 30 He was skillful enough to have lived still, if knowledge could be set up against mortality.	Wait, is it Lafeu or Lafew? Paroles or Parolles? Different spellings for different tellings. Some editions spell names a bit differently, and we've stuck to the Folger version in this section, but rest assured, the gist's still the same. Bertram's bags are all packed and he's ready to leave his childhood home in Roussillon to travel to the king of France's court in Paris. His mom the Countess is bummed out that her baby is leaving the nest. She hasn't been this sad since the day Bertram's dad died. Bertram is bummed, too. Leaving home reminds him of how much he misses his father. But he has to go. Since Bertram was a minor when his dad died, he became the king's ward, which basically means the king is in charge of all of Bertram's inheritance until Bertram becomes a legal adult. Also, as Bertram's guardian, the king can decide who Bertram should marry. A French lord named Lafew chimes in, saying the King's a good guy and will make a good substitute dad. Except that...well, his health's not great. In fact, he just fired all his doctors and has pretty much given up hope of recovery. The countess says it's too bad that Helen's dad (Gérard de Narbonne) is dead, because he was a brilliant doctor and he probably could have cured the king.
BERTRAM What is it, my good lord, the King languishes of? LAFEW A fistula, my lord. 35 BERTRAM I heard not of it before. LAFEW I would it were not notorious.—Was this gentlewoman the daughter of Gerard de Narbon? COUNTESS His sole child, my lord, and bequeathed to my overlooking. I have those hopes of her good 40 that her education promises. Her dispositions she inherits, which makes fair gifts fairer; for where an unclean mind carries virtuous qualities, there commendations go with pity—they are virtues and traitors too. In her they are the better for their simpleness. 45 She derives her honesty and achieves her goodness. LAFEW Your commendations, madam, get from her tears. COUNTESS ’Tis the best brine a maiden can season her 50 praise in. The remembrance of her father never approaches her heart but the tyranny of her sorrows takes all livelihood from her cheek.—No more of this, Helena. Go to. No more, lest it be rather thought you affect a sorrow than to have— 55 HELEN I do affect a sorrow indeed, but I have it too. LAFEW Moderate lamentation is the right of the dead, excessive grief the enemy to the living. COUNTESS If the living be enemy to the grief, the excess makes it soon mortal. 60 BERTRAM Madam, I desire your holy wishes. LAFEW How understand we that? COUNTESS Be thou blessed, Bertram, and succeed thy father In manners as in shape. Thy blood and virtue Contend for empire in thee, and thy goodness 65 Share with thy birthright. Love all, trust a few, Do wrong to none. Be able for thine enemy Rather in power than use, and keep thy friend Under thy own life’s key Be checked for silence, But never taxed for speech. What heaven more will, 70 That thee may furnish and my prayers pluck down, Fall on thy head. To Lafew. Farewell, my lord. ’Tis an unseasoned courtier. Good my lord, Advise him. LAFEW He cannot want the best that shall 75 Attend his love. COUNTESS Heaven bless him.—Farewell, Bertram. BERTRAM The best wishes that can be forged in your thoughts be servants to you. Countess exits. To Helen. Be comfortable to my mother, your 80 mistress, and make much of her. LAFEW Farewell, pretty lady. You must hold the credit of your father. Bertram and Lafew exit.	Bertram asks what kind of illness the king has, and Lafew answers: a fistula. Ick. A fistula is a nasty, pus-filled boil. Interestingly enough, Shakespeare had an ancestor, Doctor John Arderne, who invented a surgery to treat anal fistulas. (Source) The conversation turns from painful and unpleasant skin conditions to Helen, who's been standing in the corner bawling her eyes out. The Countess says that since Helen's dad is dead, the Countess is her legal guardian. It's her job to make sure Helen gets a good upbringing and that she doesn't lose her virginity and/or get a bad rep before she's married. The Countess politely tells Helen to quit her blubbering because it makes the skin on her face look puffy and all washed out. Plus, people are going to think she's a drama queen if she keeps it up. Helen says she's not faking; she really is sad about her dad. But Lafew says grieving too much is bad for the soul, so she should try to keep it under control. (Dang. We thought Hamlet had it bad when his step-dad/uncle told him to stop being a crybaby about his father's death in Act 1, Scene 2 of Hamlet.) Bertram has to get going, so he asks his mom for her blessing. She gives it, along with a bunch of advice: (1) Use good manners (like your dad); (2) Act like a nobleman (like your dad) and not a lowly commoner; (3) Be nice to everyone (like your dad), but don't trust everyone you meet; (4) Be super-loyal to your friends (like your dad—notice a trend?); (5) And finally, nobody likes a loud mouth, especially at the royal court.
HELEN O, were that all! I think not on my father, And these great tears grace his remembrance more 85 Than those I shed for him. What was he like? I have forgot him. My imagination Carries no favor in ’t but Bertram’s. I am undone. There is no living, none, If Bertram be away. ’Twere all one 90 That I should love a bright particular star And think to wed it, he is so above me. In his bright radiance and collateral light Must I be comforted, not in his sphere. Th’ ambition in my love thus plagues itself: 95 The hind that would be mated by the lion Must die for love. ’Twas pretty, though a plague, To see him every hour, to sit and draw His archèd brows, his hawking eye, his curls In our heart’s table—heart too capable 100 Of every line and trick of his sweet favor. But now he’s gone, and my idolatrous fancy Must sanctify his relics. Who comes here? Enter Parolles. One that goes with him. I love him for his sake, And yet I know him a notorious liar, 105 Think him a great way fool, solely a coward. Yet these fixed evils sit so fit in him That they take place when virtue’s steely bones Looks bleak i’ th’ cold wind. Withal, full oft we see Cold wisdom waiting on superfluous folly. 110	Everyone exits except Helen, who confesses that she's not actually crying for her dead father. She's sad that he's dead, but what's really upsetting her is her obsession with Bertram, the dreamiest boy she's ever set her eyes on. Unfortunately, Bertram is richer than she is, which means he's totally out of her league. Helen compares Bertram to a star and says that she's not even in the same galaxy. Then she says Bertram is more like a lion and she's just a hind (female deer), which could be a big problem since lions don't hook up with deer—they kill them and eat them. Shoot. Oh well, she thinks. She might as well die for love. Anyway, it's been agonizing living under the same roof with crush. Now that he's gone, she'll have to worship him from afar. Helen's speech is interrupted when a guy named Parolles enters. Helen thinks he's a liar and a coward, but he's Bertram's BFF so she's nice to him anyway.
PAROLLES Save you, fair queen. HELEN And you, monarch. PAROLLES No. HELEN And no. PAROLLES Are you meditating on virginity? 115 HELEN Ay. You have some stain of soldier in you; let me ask you a question. Man is enemy to virginity. How may we barricado it against him? PAROLLES Keep him out. HELEN But he assails, and our virginity, though 120 valiant in the defense, yet is weak. Unfold to us some warlike resistance. PAROLLES There is none. Man setting down before you will undermine you and blow you up. HELEN Bless our poor virginity from underminers and 125 blowers-up! Is there no military policy how virgins might blow up men? PAROLLES Virginity being blown down, man will quicklier be blown up. Marry, in blowing him down again, with the breach yourselves made you 130 lose your city. It is not politic in the commonwealth of nature to preserve virginity. Loss of virginity is rational increase, and there was never virgin got till virginity was first lost. That you were made of is metal to make virgins. Virginity by 135 being once lost may be ten times found; by being ever kept, it is ever lost. ’Tis too cold a companion. Away with ’t. HELEN I will stand for ’t a little, though therefore I die a virgin. 140 PAROLLES There’s little can be said in ’t. ’Tis against the rule of nature. To speak on the part of virginity is to accuse your mothers, which is most infallible disobedience. He that hangs himself is a virgin; virginity murders itself and should be buried in 145 highways out of all sanctified limit as a desperate offendress against nature. Virginity breeds mites, much like a cheese, consumes itself to the very paring, and so dies with feeding his own stomach. Besides, virginity is peevish, proud, idle, made of 150 self-love, which is the most inhibited sin in the canon. Keep it not; you cannot choose but lose by ’t. Out with ’t! Within ten year it will make itself two, which is a goodly increase, and the principal itself not much the worse. Away with ’t! 155 HELEN How might one do, sir, to lose it to her own liking? PAROLLES Let me see. Marry, ill, to like him that ne’er it likes. ’Tis a commodity will lose the gloss with lying; the longer kept, the less worth. Off with ’t 160 while ’tis vendible; answer the time of request. Virginity, like an old courtier, wears her cap out of fashion, richly suited but unsuitable, just like the brooch and the toothpick, which wear not now. Your date is better in your pie and your porridge 165 than in your cheek. And your virginity, your old virginity, is like one of our French withered pears: it looks ill, it eats dryly; many, ’tis a withered pear. It was formerly better, marry, yet ’tis a withered pear. Will you anything with it? 170 HELEN Not my virginity, yet— There shall your master have a thousand loves, A mother, and a mistress, and a friend, A phoenix, captain, and an enemy, A guide, a goddess, and a sovereign, 175 A counselor, a traitress, and a dear; His humble ambition, proud humility, His jarring concord, and his discord dulcet, His faith, his sweet disaster, with a world Of pretty, fond adoptious christendoms 180 That blinking Cupid gossips. Now shall he— I know not what he shall. God send him well. The court’s a learning place, and he is one— PAROLLES What one, i’ faith? HELEN That I wish well. ’Tis pity— 185 PAROLLES What’s pity? HELEN That wishing well had not a body in ’t Which might be felt, that we, the poorer born, Whose baser stars do shut us up in wishes, Might with effects of them follow our friends 190 And show what we alone must think, which never Returns us thanks.	Parolles greets Helen and asks, "Are you meditating on your virginity?" Really. And Helen answers, "Yes." This is when the dirty talk begins. Helen points out that it's really hard to remain a virgin these days when there are so many guys out there trying to take away her V-card. Helen and Parolles proceed to use the language of warfare to talk about having sex, as if a girl who loses her virginity is like a city that gets penetrated (yep) and then blown up (impregnated) by enemy soldiers. Brain Snack: This metaphor is pretty typical in sixteenth- and seventeenth-century literature. Shakespeare uses it in Henry V and even the poet/priest John Donne does something similar in his famous poem, "Batter My Heart" (a.k.a. Holy Sonnet 14). Parolles says that men can get blown up, too (meaning they can get erections), which is the whole reason why women get blown up (pregnant). This is getting interesting. Then Parolles lists all the reasons why he thinks it's not natural for girls to remain virgins, including that if girls refuse to have sex, then mankind would go extinct; and that when girls remain virgins they're essentially dissing their mothers' lifestyle choices (since, obviously, all moms have had sex). Helen asks what the best way is for a girl to go about losing her virginity. Parolles says sooner rather than later since old virginity is like an old, withered pear that's unattractive, dry, and not as sweet. Then he asks Helen if she's going to do anything with her virginity. (Subtle.) Helen says not yet and changes the topic to her favorite subject in the world: Bertram. Helen spends the next twelve lines gushing about how amazing he is.
Enter Page. PAGE Monsieur Parolles, my lord calls for you. PAROLLES Little Helen, farewell. If I can remember thee, I will think of thee at court. 195 HELEN Monsieur Parolles, you were born under a charitable star. PAROLLES Under Mars, I. HELEN I especially think under Mars. PAROLLES Why under Mars? 200 HELEN The wars hath so kept you under that you must needs be born under Mars. PAROLLES When he was predominant. HELEN When he was retrograde, I think rather. PAROLLES Why think you so? 205 HELEN You go so much backward when you fight. PAROLLES That’s for advantage. HELEN So is running away, when fear proposes the safety. But the composition that your valor and fear makes in you is a virtue of a good wing, and I 210 like the wear well. PAROLLES I am so full of businesses I cannot answer thee acutely. I will return perfect courtier, in the which my instruction shall serve to naturalize thee, so thou wilt be capable of a courtier’s counsel 215 and understand what advice shall thrust upon thee, else thou diest in thine unthankfulness, and thine ignorance makes thee away. Farewell. When thou hast leisure, say thy prayers; when thou hast none, remember thy friends. Get thee a good husband, 220 and use him as he uses thee. So, farewell. Parolles and Page exit.	A page (a.k.a., an errand boy) shows up and says that Parolles is being called away. With that, Parolles heads off to the king's court with Bertram.
HELEN Our remedies oft in ourselves do lie Which we ascribe to heaven. The fated sky Gives us free scope, only doth backward pull Our slow designs when we ourselves are dull. 225 What power is it which mounts my love so high, That makes me see, and cannot feed mine eye? The mightiest space in fortune nature brings To join like likes and kiss like native things. Impossible be strange attempts to those 230 That weigh their pains in sense and do suppose What hath been cannot be. Who ever strove To show her merit that did miss her love? The King’s disease—my project may deceive me, But my intents are fixed and will not leave me. 235 She exits.	Alone on stage, Helen delivers another big soliloquy. She complains about how unfair it is that she loves Bertram but can't ever have him because she comes from a lower social class. Helen wonders aloud what she can possibly do to prove that she's worthy of Bertram's love. Aha! She's got a brilliant plan that involves the king's disease. (Remember that nasty fistula we heard about earlier? Yeah. This ought to be good.)

Original Text

Translated Text

Enter young Bertram Count of Rossillion, his mother
the Countess, and Helen, Lord Lafew, all in black.

COUNTESS In delivering my son from me, I bury a second
husband.

BERTRAM And I in going, madam, weep o’er my
father’s death anew; but I must attend his Majesty’s
command, to whom I am now in ward, evermore 5
in subjection.

LAFEW You shall find of the King a husband, madam;
you, sir, a father. He that so generally is at all times
good must of necessity hold his virtue to you,
whose worthiness would stir it up where it wanted 10
rather than lack it where there is such abundance.

COUNTESS What hope is there of his Majesty’s
amendment?

LAFEW He hath abandoned his physicians, madam,
under whose practices he hath persecuted time 15
with hope, and finds no other advantage in the
process but only the losing of hope by time.

COUNTESS This young gentlewoman had a father—O,
that “had,” how sad a passage ’tis!—whose skill
was almost as great as his honesty; had it stretched 20
so far, would have made nature immortal, and
death should have play for lack of work. Would for
the King’s sake he were living! I think it would be
the death of the King’s disease.

LAFEW How called you the man you speak of, 25
madam?

COUNTESS He was famous, sir, in his profession, and it
was his great right to be so: Gerard de Narbon.

LAFEW He was excellent indeed, madam. The King
very lately spoke of him admiringly, and mourningly. 30
He was skillful enough to have lived still, if
knowledge could be set up against mortality.

Wait, is it Lafeu or Lafew? Paroles or Parolles? Different spellings for different tellings. Some editions spell names a bit differently, and we've stuck to the Folger version in this section, but rest assured, the gist's still the same.

Bertram's bags are all packed and he's ready to leave his childhood home in Roussillon to travel to the king of France's court in Paris.

His mom the Countess is bummed out that her baby is leaving the nest. She hasn't been this sad since the day Bertram's dad died.

Bertram is bummed, too. Leaving home reminds him of how much he misses his father.

But he has to go. Since Bertram was a minor when his dad died, he became the king's ward, which basically means the king is in charge of all of Bertram's inheritance until Bertram becomes a legal adult. Also, as Bertram's guardian, the king can decide who Bertram should marry.

A French lord named Lafew chimes in, saying the King's a good guy and will make a good substitute dad. Except that...well, his health's not great. In fact, he just fired all his doctors and has pretty much given up hope of recovery.

The countess says it's too bad that Helen's dad (Gérard de Narbonne) is dead, because he was a brilliant doctor and he probably could have cured the king.

BERTRAM What is it, my good lord, the King languishes
of?

LAFEW A fistula, my lord. 35

BERTRAM I heard not of it before.

LAFEW I would it were not notorious.—Was this gentlewoman
the daughter of Gerard de Narbon?

COUNTESS His sole child, my lord, and bequeathed to
my overlooking. I have those hopes of her good 40
that her education promises. Her dispositions she
inherits, which makes fair gifts fairer; for where an
unclean mind carries virtuous qualities, there
commendations go with pity—they are virtues and
traitors too. In her they are the better for their simpleness. 45
She derives her honesty and achieves her
goodness.

LAFEW Your commendations, madam, get from her
tears.

COUNTESS ’Tis the best brine a maiden can season her 50
praise in. The remembrance of her father never
approaches her heart but the tyranny of her sorrows
takes all livelihood from her cheek.—No
more of this, Helena. Go to. No more, lest it be
rather thought you affect a sorrow than to have— 55

HELEN I do affect a sorrow indeed, but I have it too.

LAFEW Moderate lamentation is the right of the dead,
excessive grief the enemy to the living.

COUNTESS If the living be enemy to the grief, the
excess makes it soon mortal. 60

BERTRAM Madam, I desire your holy wishes.

LAFEW How understand we that?

COUNTESS
Be thou blessed, Bertram, and succeed thy father
In manners as in shape. Thy blood and virtue
Contend for empire in thee, and thy goodness 65
Share with thy birthright. Love all, trust a few,
Do wrong to none. Be able for thine enemy
Rather in power than use, and keep thy friend
Under thy own life’s key Be checked for silence,
But never taxed for speech. What heaven more will, 70
That thee may furnish and my prayers pluck down,
Fall on thy head. To Lafew. Farewell, my lord.
’Tis an unseasoned courtier. Good my lord,
Advise him.

LAFEW He cannot want the best that shall 75
Attend his love.

COUNTESS Heaven bless him.—Farewell, Bertram.

BERTRAM The best wishes that can be forged in your
thoughts be servants to you.

Countess exits.

To Helen. Be comfortable to my mother, your 80
mistress, and make much of her.

LAFEW Farewell, pretty lady. You must hold the credit
of your father.

Bertram and Lafew exit.

Bertram asks what kind of illness the king has, and Lafew answers: a fistula.

Ick. A fistula is a nasty, pus-filled boil. Interestingly enough, Shakespeare had an ancestor, Doctor John Arderne, who invented a surgery to treat anal fistulas. (Source)

The conversation turns from painful and unpleasant skin conditions to Helen, who's been standing in the corner bawling her eyes out.

The Countess says that since Helen's dad is dead, the Countess is her legal guardian. It's her job to make sure Helen gets a good upbringing and that she doesn't lose her virginity and/or get a bad rep before she's married.

The Countess politely tells Helen to quit her blubbering because it makes the skin on her face look puffy and all washed out. Plus, people are going to think she's a drama queen if she keeps it up.

Helen says she's not faking; she really is sad about her dad. But Lafew says grieving too much is bad for the soul, so she should try to keep it under control.

(Dang. We thought Hamlet had it bad when his step-dad/uncle told him to stop being a crybaby about his father's death in Act 1, Scene 2 of Hamlet.)

Bertram has to get going, so he asks his mom for her blessing. She gives it, along with a bunch of advice: (1) Use good manners (like your dad); (2) Act like a nobleman (like your dad) and not a lowly commoner; (3) Be nice to everyone (like your dad), but don't trust everyone you meet; (4) Be super-loyal to your friends (like your dad—notice a trend?); (5) And finally, nobody likes a loud mouth, especially at the royal court.

HELEN
O, were that all! I think not on my father,
And these great tears grace his remembrance more 85
Than those I shed for him. What was he like?
I have forgot him. My imagination
Carries no favor in ’t but Bertram’s.
I am undone. There is no living, none,
If Bertram be away. ’Twere all one 90
That I should love a bright particular star
And think to wed it, he is so above me.
In his bright radiance and collateral light
Must I be comforted, not in his sphere.
Th’ ambition in my love thus plagues itself: 95
The hind that would be mated by the lion
Must die for love. ’Twas pretty, though a plague,
To see him every hour, to sit and draw
His archèd brows, his hawking eye, his curls
In our heart’s table—heart too capable 100
Of every line and trick of his sweet favor.
But now he’s gone, and my idolatrous fancy
Must sanctify his relics. Who comes here?

Enter Parolles.

One that goes with him. I love him for his sake,
And yet I know him a notorious liar, 105
Think him a great way fool, solely a coward.
Yet these fixed evils sit so fit in him
That they take place when virtue’s steely bones
Looks bleak i’ th’ cold wind. Withal, full oft we see
Cold wisdom waiting on superfluous folly. 110

Everyone exits except Helen, who confesses that she's not actually crying for her dead father. She's sad that he's dead, but what's really upsetting her is her obsession with Bertram, the dreamiest boy she's ever set her eyes on.

Unfortunately, Bertram is richer than she is, which means he's totally out of her league.

Helen compares Bertram to a star and says that she's not even in the same galaxy. Then she says Bertram is more like a lion and she's just a hind (female deer), which could be a big problem since lions don't hook up with deer—they kill them and eat them. Shoot.

Oh well, she thinks. She might as well die for love.

Anyway, it's been agonizing living under the same roof with crush. Now that he's gone, she'll have to worship him from afar.

Helen's speech is interrupted when a guy named Parolles enters. Helen thinks he's a liar and a coward, but he's Bertram's BFF so she's nice to him anyway.

PAROLLES Save you, fair queen.

HELEN And you, monarch.

PAROLLES No.

HELEN And no.

PAROLLES Are you meditating on virginity? 115

HELEN Ay. You have some stain of soldier in you; let
me ask you a question. Man is enemy to virginity.
How may we barricado it against him?

PAROLLES Keep him out.

HELEN But he assails, and our virginity, though 120
valiant in the defense, yet is weak. Unfold to us
some warlike resistance.

PAROLLES There is none. Man setting down before you
will undermine you and blow you up.

HELEN Bless our poor virginity from underminers and 125
blowers-up! Is there no military policy how virgins
might blow up men?

PAROLLES Virginity being blown down, man will
quicklier be blown up. Marry, in blowing him
down again, with the breach yourselves made you 130
lose your city. It is not politic in the commonwealth
of nature to preserve virginity. Loss of virginity
is rational increase, and there was never
virgin got till virginity was first lost. That you
were made of is metal to make virgins. Virginity by 135
being once lost may be ten times found; by being
ever kept, it is ever lost. ’Tis too cold a companion.
Away with ’t.

HELEN I will stand for ’t a little, though therefore I
die a virgin. 140

PAROLLES There’s little can be said in ’t. ’Tis against the
rule of nature. To speak on the part of virginity is
to accuse your mothers, which is most infallible
disobedience. He that hangs himself is a virgin;
virginity murders itself and should be buried in 145
highways out of all sanctified limit as a desperate
offendress against nature. Virginity breeds mites,
much like a cheese, consumes itself to the very
paring, and so dies with feeding his own stomach.
Besides, virginity is peevish, proud, idle, made of 150
self-love, which is the most inhibited sin in the
canon. Keep it not; you cannot choose but lose by
’t. Out with ’t! Within ten year it will make itself
two, which is a goodly increase, and the principal
itself not much the worse. Away with ’t! 155

HELEN How might one do, sir, to lose it to her own
liking?

PAROLLES Let me see. Marry, ill, to like him that ne’er
it likes. ’Tis a commodity will lose the gloss with
lying; the longer kept, the less worth. Off with ’t 160
while ’tis vendible; answer the time of request. Virginity,
like an old courtier, wears her cap out of
fashion, richly suited but unsuitable, just like the
brooch and the toothpick, which wear not now.
Your date is better in your pie and your porridge 165
than in your cheek. And your virginity, your old
virginity, is like one of our French withered pears:
it looks ill, it eats dryly; many, ’tis a withered pear.
It was formerly better, marry, yet ’tis a withered
pear. Will you anything with it? 170

HELEN Not my virginity, yet—
There shall your master have a thousand loves,
A mother, and a mistress, and a friend,
A phoenix, captain, and an enemy,
A guide, a goddess, and a sovereign, 175
A counselor, a traitress, and a dear;
His humble ambition, proud humility,
His jarring concord, and his discord dulcet,
His faith, his sweet disaster, with a world
Of pretty, fond adoptious christendoms 180
That blinking Cupid gossips. Now shall he—
I know not what he shall. God send him well.
The court’s a learning place, and he is one—

PAROLLES What one, i’ faith?

HELEN That I wish well. ’Tis pity— 185

PAROLLES What’s pity?

HELEN
That wishing well had not a body in ’t
Which might be felt, that we, the poorer born,
Whose baser stars do shut us up in wishes,
Might with effects of them follow our friends 190
And show what we alone must think, which never
Returns us thanks.

Parolles greets Helen and asks, "Are you meditating on your virginity?" Really. And Helen answers, "Yes."

This is when the dirty talk begins.

Helen points out that it's really hard to remain a virgin these days when there are so many guys out there trying to take away her V-card.

Helen and Parolles proceed to use the language of warfare to talk about having sex, as if a girl who loses her virginity is like a city that gets penetrated (yep) and then blown up (impregnated) by enemy soldiers.

Brain Snack: This metaphor is pretty typical in sixteenth- and seventeenth-century literature. Shakespeare uses it in Henry V and even the poet/priest John Donne does something similar in his famous poem, "Batter My Heart" (a.k.a. Holy Sonnet 14).

Parolles says that men can get blown up, too (meaning they can get erections), which is the whole reason why women get blown up (pregnant). This is getting interesting.

Then Parolles lists all the reasons why he thinks it's not natural for girls to remain virgins, including that if girls refuse to have sex, then mankind would go extinct; and that when girls remain virgins they're essentially dissing their mothers' lifestyle choices (since, obviously, all moms have had sex).

Helen asks what the best way is for a girl to go about losing her virginity.

Parolles says sooner rather than later since old virginity is like an old, withered pear that's unattractive, dry, and not as sweet. Then he asks Helen if she's going to do anything with her virginity. (Subtle.)

Helen says not yet and changes the topic to her favorite subject in the world: Bertram. Helen spends the next twelve lines gushing about how amazing he is.

Enter Page.

PAGE Monsieur Parolles, my lord calls for you.

PAROLLES Little Helen, farewell. If I can remember
thee, I will think of thee at court. 195

HELEN Monsieur Parolles, you were born under a
charitable star.

PAROLLES Under Mars, I.

HELEN I especially think under Mars.

PAROLLES Why under Mars? 200

HELEN The wars hath so kept you under that you
must needs be born under Mars.

PAROLLES When he was predominant.

HELEN When he was retrograde, I think rather.

PAROLLES Why think you so? 205

HELEN You go so much backward when you fight.

PAROLLES That’s for advantage.

HELEN So is running away, when fear proposes the
safety. But the composition that your valor and
fear makes in you is a virtue of a good wing, and I 210
like the wear well.

PAROLLES I am so full of businesses I cannot answer
thee acutely. I will return perfect courtier, in the
which my instruction shall serve to naturalize
thee, so thou wilt be capable of a courtier’s counsel 215
and understand what advice shall thrust upon
thee, else thou diest in thine unthankfulness, and
thine ignorance makes thee away. Farewell. When
thou hast leisure, say thy prayers; when thou hast
none, remember thy friends. Get thee a good husband, 220
and use him as he uses thee. So, farewell.

Parolles and Page exit.

A page (a.k.a., an errand boy) shows up and says that Parolles is being called away. With that, Parolles heads off to the king's court with Bertram.

HELEN
Our remedies oft in ourselves do lie
Which we ascribe to heaven. The fated sky
Gives us free scope, only doth backward pull
Our slow designs when we ourselves are dull. 225
What power is it which mounts my love so high,
That makes me see, and cannot feed mine eye?
The mightiest space in fortune nature brings
To join like likes and kiss like native things.
Impossible be strange attempts to those 230
That weigh their pains in sense and do suppose
What hath been cannot be. Who ever strove
To show her merit that did miss her love?
The King’s disease—my project may deceive me,
But my intents are fixed and will not leave me. 235

She exits.

Alone on stage, Helen delivers another big soliloquy. She complains about how unfair it is that she loves Bertram but can't ever have him because she comes from a lower social class.

Helen wonders aloud what she can possibly do to prove that she's worthy of Bertram's love.

Aha! She's got a brilliant plan that involves the king's disease. (Remember that nasty fistula we heard about earlier? Yeah. This ought to be good.)

All's Well That Ends Well: Act 1, Scene 1 Translation

A side-by-side translation of Act 1, Scene 1 of All's Well That Ends Well from the original Shakespeare into modern English.

Original Text

Translated Text

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