How It All Goes Down
Dry-Humping for the Lord
- A-bort finds a picture of himself grinning at cheerleaders during the news conference on the front of the Dallas Morning News the next day.
- While A-bort was cavorting with his three ladies, Billy had been preoccupied with three ladies of his own. It all must have been carefully coordinated ahead of time, but Billy doesn't care in the least, because cleavage.
- Billy wishes one of "his" cheerleaders could have been the cute strawberry-blonde one.
- Welp, it's been ten minutes: time for another photo-op.
- Billy spends some time contemplating the orchestrated fakeness of the whole ordeal…while periodically trying to make eye contact with his crush-buddy.
- When the press conference is over, Billy tries to take a little break to collect himself, but three media dudes trap him and ask him about whether he'd ever considered writing a book. Ha, yeah…sure.
- Billy's a fan of the Tough-Guy School of Literature: Thompson, Kerouac, Vonnegut, etc.
- Billy and the media dudes shoot the breeze, talkin' 'bout books, and all of a sudden, there she is. Right next to him. His cheerleader.
- The cheerleader's name is Faison. Apparently, when you say it out loud, it sounds kind of like "pheasant."
- Faison thinks Billy's really brave for talking about Shroom and everything the Bravos went through.
- And just like that, Faison wants to know if Billy's Christian. You know, like, Capital "C," Hallelujah, What Would Jesus Do Christian.
- Billy admits that he's "searching"—which is a nice way of saying, "Not really."
- Faison thinks that God wanted the two of them to meet so that she could witness His love to Billy.
- As Faison's telling Billy about God's light and the Jews and Jesus and how He died for us and and and—well, you know the drill—all Billy can think about is making a move on her.
- Wham, bam, thank-you, Ma'am: the next thing you know, Billy and Faison are making out and groping each other like it's prom night.
- "Dry-humping for the Lord," indeed.
- Faison rides Billy until she (apparently) orgasms.
- Afterwards, Faison tells Billy that she doesn't usually act that casually with her body. She says there must be something very special between them.
- Faison has a three-month-rule: it takes at least that long for her to establish the trust necessary to "be intimate" with someone.
- When Billy says he'd love to see Faison when he gets back from Iraq, she is floored. She can't believe he has to go back.
- Just as Billy and Faison are about to go at it again, the cheerleaders are summoned to their posts.
- Faison tells Billy to come find her at the twenty-yard line.