Enter Antipholus of Ephesus, his man Dromio, Angelo
the goldsmith, and Balthasar the merchant. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Good Signior Angelo, you must excuse us all;
My wife is shrewish when I keep not hours.
Say that I lingered with you at your shop
To see the making of her carcanet,
And that tomorrow you will bring it home. 5
But here’s a villain that would face me down
He met me on the mart, and that I beat him
And charged him with a thousand marks in gold,
And that I did deny my wife and house.—
Thou drunkard, thou, what didst thou mean by this? 10 DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Say what you will, sir, but I know what I know.
That you beat me at the mart I have your hand to
show;
If the skin were parchment and the blows you gave
were ink, 15
Your own handwriting would tell you what I think. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
I think thou art an ass. DROMIO OF EPHESUS Marry, so it doth appear
By the wrongs I suffer and the blows I bear.
I should kick being kicked and, being at that pass, 20
You would keep from my heels and beware of an ass. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
You’re sad, Signior Balthasar. Pray God our cheer
May answer my goodwill and your good welcome
here. BALTHASAR
I hold your dainties cheap, sir, and your welcome 25
dear. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
O Signior Balthasar, either at flesh or fish
A table full of welcome makes scarce one dainty
dish. BALTHASAR
Good meat, sir, is common; that every churl affords. 30 ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
And welcome more common, for that’s nothing but
words. BALTHASAR
Small cheer and great welcome makes a merry
feast. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Ay, to a niggardly host and more sparing guest. 35
But though my cates be mean, take them in good
part.
Better cheer may you have, but not with better
heart. He attempts to open the door. But soft! My door is locked. To Dromio. Go, bid 40
them let us in. | E. Antipholus meets with Angelo, a goldsmith who's making Adriana a necklace (remember the necklace?). He notes that he’s late for dinner, which means his wife will be "shrewish," so he asks Angelo to vouch for him and say he's late because he's been consulting with him about the jewelry. E. Antipholus then complains about E. Dromio, who keeps insisting that he (E. Antipholus) gave him a beating in the marketplace, which he absolutely did not...though E. Dromio is bruised. (It was S. Antipholus! Remember?) E. Dromio won’t give in, so E. Antipholus calls him an ass. The conversation turns to the Merchant Balthazar, who’s looking rather serious. Balthazar and E. Antipholus then have a witty exchange about a dinner invitation. Balthazar says he’s more pleased by the invitation than he is about the food, as meat is cheap. E. Antipholus quips that meat may be cheap, but words are even cheaper. Still, Balthazar is welcome at his house, and dinner will be delicious. Or, it would be...if he could get into his house. But he can't because the gate is locked. |
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Maud, Bridget, Marian, Ciceley, Gillian, Ginn! DROMIO OF SYRACUSE, within
Mome, malt-horse, capon, coxcomb, idiot, patch!
Either get thee from the door or sit down at the
hatch. 45
Dost thou conjure for wenches, that thou call’st for
such store
When one is one too many? Go, get thee from the
door. DROMIO OF EPHESUS
What patch is made our porter? My master stays in 50
the street. DROMIO OF SYRACUSE, within
Let him walk from whence he came, lest he catch
cold on ’s feet. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Who talks within there? Ho, open the door. DROMIO OF SYRACUSE, within
Right, sir, I’ll tell you when an you’ll tell me 55
wherefore. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Wherefore? For my dinner. I have not dined today. DROMIO OF SYRACUSE, within
Nor today here you must not. Come again when you
may. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
What art thou that keep’st me out from the house I 60
owe? DROMIO OF SYRACUSE, within
The porter for this time, sir, and my name is
Dromio. DROMIO OF EPHESUS
O villain, thou hast stolen both mine office and my
name! 65
The one ne’er got me credit, the other mickle
blame.
If thou hadst been Dromio today in my place,
Thou wouldst have changed thy face for a name, or
thy name for an ass. 70 Enter Luce above, unseen by Antipholus of Ephesus
and his company. LUCE
What a coil is there, Dromio! Who are those at the
gate? DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Let my master in, Luce. LUCE Faith, no, he comes too late,
And so tell your master. 75 DROMIO OF EPHESUS O Lord, I must laugh.
Have at you with a proverb: shall I set in my staff? LUCE
Have at you with another: that’s—When, can you
tell? DROMIO OF SYRACUSE, within
If thy name be called “Luce,” Luce, thou hast 80
answered him well. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS, to Luce
Do you hear, you minion? You’ll let us in, I hope? LUCE
I thought to have asked you. DROMIO OF SYRACUSE, within
And you said no. DROMIO OF EPHESUS
So, come help. Well struck! There was blow for 85
blow. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS, to Luce
Thou baggage, let me in. LUCE
Can you tell for whose sake? DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Master, knock the door hard. LUCE Let him knock till it ache. 90 ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
You’ll cry for this, minion, if I beat the door down. He beats on the door. LUCE
What needs all that, and a pair of stocks in the
town? | What ensues at the gates is a long, confused exchange. S. Dromio guards the gate of E. Antipholus’s house from the inside (so he can’t see who’s outside the door, or else he’d recognize his and his master’s identical twins). Adriana instructed him to let nobody in, so S. Dromio feels justified in having some fun with the guys outside. E. Dromio and E. Antipholus wonder who on earth is guarding the gate and why he wouldn’t let the owner of the house in. When they ask who this mystery guard is, S. Dromio truthfully replies that his name is Dromio. This, of course, confuses E. Dromio, who decides his identity has been stolen. Matters are made worse when another servant, Luce, backs up S. Dromio from inside the gate. E. Antipholus assures all the minions they'll pay for this insubordination when he breaks down the gate, which he's about to do. |
Enter Adriana, above, unseen by Antipholus of Ephesus
and his company. ADRIANA
Who is that at the door that keeps all this noise? DROMIO OF SYRACUSE, within
By my troth, your town is troubled with unruly 95
boys. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Are you there, wife? You might have come before. ADRIANA
Your wife, sir knave? Go, get you from the door. Adriana and Luce exit. DROMIO OF EPHESUS
If you went in pain, master, this knave would go
sore. 100 ANGELO, to Antipholus of Ephesus
Here is neither cheer, sir, nor welcome. We would
fain have either. BALTHASAR
In debating which was best, we shall part with
neither. DROMIO OF EPHESUS
They stand at the door, master. Bid them welcome 105
hither. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
There is something in the wind, that we cannot get
in. DROMIO OF EPHESUS
You would say so, master, if your garments were
thin. 110
Your cake here is warm within; you stand here in
the cold.
It would make a man mad as a buck to be so
bought and sold. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Go, fetch me something. I’ll break ope the gate. 115 DROMIO OF SYRACUSE, within
Break any breaking here, and I’ll break your knave’s
pate. DROMIO OF EPHESUS
A man may break a word with you, sir, and words
are but wind,
Ay, and break it in your face, so he break it not 120
behind. DROMIO OF SYRACUSE, within
It seems thou want’st breaking. Out upon thee, hind! DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Here’s too much “Out upon thee!” I pray thee, let
me in. DROMIO OF SYRACUSE, within
Ay, when fowls have no feathers and fish have no 125
fin. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS, to Dromio of Ephesus
Well, I’ll break in. Go, borrow me a crow. DROMIO OF EPHESUS
A crow without feather? Master, mean you so?
For a fish without a fin, there’s a fowl without a
feather.— 130
If a crow help us in, sirrah, well pluck a crow
together. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Go, get thee gone. Fetch me an iron crow. BALTHASAR
Have patience, sir. O, let it not be so.
Herein you war against your reputation, 135
And draw within the compass of suspect
Th’ unviolated honor of your wife.
Once this: your long experience of her wisdom,
Her sober virtue, years, and modesty
Plead on her part some cause to you unknown. 140
And doubt not, sir, but she will well excuse
Why at this time the doors are made against you.
Be ruled by me; depart in patience,
And let us to the Tiger all to dinner,
And about evening come yourself alone 145
To know the reason of this strange restraint.
If by strong hand you offer to break in
Now in the stirring passage of the day,
A vulgar comment will be made of it;
And that supposèd by the common rout 150
Against your yet ungallèd estimation
That may with foul intrusion enter in
And dwell upon your grave when you are dead;
For slander lives upon succession,
Forever housèd where it gets possession. 155 | The confusion continues to increase: Adriana herself has come to the gate. She can’t see who the men outside the gate are, but one insists that he’s her husband (which he is). Adriana thinks her husband is inside, so she won’t let them in either. Finally, E. Antipholus has had enough, and gets ready to break down his own door. Balthazar pierces the madness as the voice of reason. He says that if E. Antipholus makes a scene by breaking down his own door, he’ll only be hurting his own reputation by casting suspicion on the faithfulness of his wife. (Like, why is she locking him out, and who’s she locking herself in with?) Balthazar’s says E. Antipholus’s wife is a good woman, so she’s sure to have a good explanation for locking him out. Until they find out what Adriana’s good excuse is, they should go to the Tiger and have some dinner. |
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
You have prevailed. I will depart in quiet
And, in despite of mirth, mean to be merry.
I know a wench of excellent discourse,
Pretty and witty, wild and yet, too, gentle.
There will we dine. This woman that I mean, 160
My wife—but, I protest, without desert—
Hath oftentimes upbraided me withal;
To her will we to dinner. To Angelo. Get you home
And fetch the chain; by this, I know, ’tis made.
Bring it, I pray you, to the Porpentine, 165
For there’s the house. That chain will I bestow—
Be it for nothing but to spite my wife—
Upon mine hostess there. Good sir, make haste.
Since mine own doors refuse to entertain me,
I’ll knock elsewhere, to see if they’ll disdain me. 170 ANGELO
I’ll meet you at that place some hour hence. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Do so. This jest shall cost me some expense. They exit. | E. Antipholus decides that going out to eat is a good idea, and he knows where they can go. There's a nice woman at the Porpentine that his wife has accused him of being unfaithful with before. He hasn't been, of course, but hey—she is pretty cute. He then tells Angelo to go get the necklace. He's going to give it to this other woman to get back at his wife for not letting him in. |