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Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche
The Mustachioed Master-Morality Machine; "Negative Nancy" Nietzsche; MC Zarathustra; The Little Pastor
What little I did have likely drove me crazy (thanks, syphilis!). Oh, wait, you mean... yeah, male.
I was born in the Prussian (now German) town of Röcken, which makes sense because I röck so hard. But my most productive years were spent eating chocolate in the Swiss Alps and riding up and down the Mediterranean coasts of France and Italy. Good times.
Teacher of philology (i.e., language and literature) and writer of books that no one ever buys.
19th-century Germany was to intellectual activity as modern Japan is to overworked businessmen: everyone who was anyone there had a world-class education. I was no different. When I was just a wee lad, I attended Schulpforta, a fancy-schmancy boarding school that used to be a monastery. Once I finished my studies there, I briefly attended the University of Bonn, where I became fast friends with one of my profs, who would later land me my professorship in Switzerland (cha-ching).
Hitler will tell you all about how big an influence I was on Nazism, but let's be honest here—would you expect an idiot like Adolf to understand what I was trying to say, much less grasp the genius of my philosophy?
For the record, I cut off ties with my former bestie Richard Wagner (you know, the famous German composer) largely because he was a raving anti-Semitic bigot, so it's pretty unlikely I would have been down with Nazism.
I guess Hitler was paying more attention to grooming that so-called mustache of his than actually reading my books, because making fun of German culture for being decadent and stupid was one of my favorite pastimes.
Aside from that, there are people who have read me as promoting everything from anarchism to conservatism(!), which should tell you a lot about how radical and unclassifiable my views are. A lot of people agree that I'm friendly to the idea of aristocracy, but the only thing that everyone can agree on is that I am not a fan of either democracy or socialism. Let's just say that I am not a fan of the masses.
I didn't title one of my books The Antichrist for no reason—I really, really despise Christianity. Sure, J.C. himself had his moments, but Christianity stands for everything I hate about modern society: weakness, pity, mediocrity, and herd mentality.
Though I'm an atheist, I'm not a scientistic non-believer like the Richard Dawkinses of the world. I'm skeptical of the very notion of truth, be it religious or scientific (sorry, Dick).
Writing poetic philosophy
The origin story of morality
The Masters of Suspicion