Tired of ads?
Join today and never see them again.
Advertisement - Guide continues below
Announcer: "Next up, the Professor of Philosophy from little town of Messkirch, Marty Heidegger will wow us with his recital of poetry, written by none other than himself. Welcome, Maaartyyyy!"
Martin Heidegger: "Danke. Danke. But nein! My name is Martin, not Marty. And I will wow you, but not with mere words. Nein! I shall sing!"
Announcer: "Well, well. Okay! Step aside, Paul Potts. Step aside, Susan Boyle. Take it away, Marty!"
Martin Heidegger: [Clears throat. Adjusts his MC Hammer pants. Peruses what looks to be a copy of the collected works of Aristotle. Looks at audience. Winks at Hannah Arendt.]
"When the wiiind, shifting quiiickly, grumbles… in the raaafters ooof the cabin… and the weeeaaather threeeaaathens to become naaasty…"
[Judge's first impressions: Simon Cowell rolls his eyes. Michael Fassbender looks bored, but it's possible he's just being subtle. Diane Kruger nods, approvingly.]
"Three daaangers threeeaaaten thiiinking."
[Heidegger switches to a frolicsome singsong voice…]
"The goood and thus the whooolesome daaanger… is the niiighness of the siiinging poooet."
[Now his voice lowers to a mimic of Darth Vader, deep and foreboding…]
"The eeeevil and thus keeeenest danger is thiii… iiii… iiii… iiing itsel…el…el…el…elf."
[Simon Cowell mouths, flabbergasted, "Is this for real?" Diane Kruger mouths, awestruck, "Is this for real?" Michael Fassbender still looks bored, but it's possible he's still being subtle.]
"It. Must. Think. Against. Itself. Which. It. Can. Only. Seeeldom. Doooo."
[Heidegger now changes his voice to something wicked and nasty, like Gollum with laryngitis.]
"The baaad and thus the muuudled daaanger… is phiii… iii... iii… ilosophiiizinnnggg."
[Heidegger bows his head. No one applauds.]
Simon Cowell: "I don't know what that was. Roadkill begging to be put out of its misery would not sound so pitiful."
Diane Kruger: "I'm sorry. I wasn't paying attention. I was lost in memories of the previous performance, Hegel's Dance of the World Spirit. Who are we judging?"
Michael Fassbender: "I wish I could say the same, Diane. I've played Magneto. I've played a wicked, cruel slave-owner. I'm not sure I've encountered anything truly aesthetically bad until this evening."
Announcer: "Well, Marty. The judges have spoken. Anything to say in response?"
Martin Heidegger: "Yes. The whole of Western philosophy (until me) closed its ears to the voice of Being; why should the three of you be any different?"
Simon Cowell: "That was the voice of Being? I'll take Nothingness, thank you."
[From the audience, Jean-Paul Sartre applauds.]
Michael Fassbender: "I've never been so close to nihilism as I am today."
Martin Heidegger: "Clearly this performance hall is not equipped to be a house of Being."
[Walks off stage with his head held high.]