With such a cheerful name, this chapter is sure to be a ton of fun.
In 1861, Stephen A. Douglas is killed by vampires.
There's a whole conspiracy theory angle here about the autopsy, which was lost, then found in the 1960s, then declared a hoax after a mysterious donation.
Now we get a historical rewind to hear more about Douglas-the-man, as opposed to Douglas-the-dead-guy.
The short version is that Lincoln and Douglas may have been political opponents at one time, but Douglas was committed to the union and disliked secession.
And it's only after the firing on Fort Sumter that Lincoln tells Douglas that their enemies are actually vampires.
In fact, Lincoln decides to spill the beans to a whole lot of folks. He tells his cabinet that they are really fighting vampires, too.
They show a wide range of reaction to this news: Seward knows this already; Gideon Wells (Secretary of the Navy) and Salmon Chase (Treasury) don't believe him for a second; Edwin Stanton (War) totally believes in vampires, but doesn't get why the Confederacy would be working with them.
This is good cocktail party trivia, but really, they're all committed to fighting the war, regardless of vampires.
Back to the war proper.
But first, we should tell you that you might want to keep this timeline handy, to keep track of everything that goes down. Just write in the word "vampire" every once in a while.
If you remember your Civil War history (or that great Ken Burns documentary), you may remember that the North thought this was going to be a short war because they had a lot more people and infrastructure. (Hooray for infrastructure!)
But the first battle of the war, at Bull Run, doesn't go so well for the North.
The narrator includes a letter here by a Northern soldier who was there (this one's a creation of Seth Grahame-Smith), and then gives us the thoughts of a Northern general who was shocked at all the death and mayhem (this one's real).
While the war rages, back in Washington Abe's only joy is playing with his children, especially with Willie Lincoln. Given Abe's track record of losing loved ones, this might make you a little nervous.
One day, Tad and Willie are playing on the White House lawn, guarded by two young soldiers.
But then a guy with a gun distracts all of the soldiers guarding the White House. And while the guards are distracted, a stranger comes up to Willie and puts something in his mouth. Dun dun dun.
Lamon and the unholy trinity chase after the stranger (who's clearly a vampire), but he kills himself before they can capture him.
That means the doctors don't know what he did to Willie.
Inevitably, Willie gets sick and dies on Feb. 20, 1862.
This crushes Abe, which is kind of the cycle we've seen. Abe loves something, he loses it, he gets depressed, Henry shows up to say "you want me to make a vampire out of your lost loved one?" and Abe says no.
But today, Abe gets so angry that he gets into a physical fight with Henry, which he loses.
It's almost like Abe would welcome death since so many of his loved ones are dead.
But Henry doesn't kill Abe.
And Abe says he never wants to see another vampire, which is how lots of friendships end.