Read the full text of All's Well That Ends Well Act 4 Scene 5 with a side-by-side translation HERE.
Meanwhile, back in Roussillon, Lafeu, the Countess, and Lavatch have heard the rumor that Helen has died of a broken heart.
Lafeu blames everything on Paroles, who has been nothing but a "villainous saffron" and a bad influence on Bertram.
The countess can't believe that her precious Helen is gone. It's as if she's lost a child she personally gave birth to.
Lavatch tries to compare Helen to a delicate herb in a salad, which somehow (not surprisingly) leads to a series of dirty jokes. The dirty jokes segue into Lavatch's claims that if he can't be of service to Lafeu, he'd be happy to serve Satan.
Lavatch tries to compare Helen to a delicate herb in a salad, which somehow (not surprisingly) leads to a series of dirty jokes.
Lafeu tell him he's a knave and a fool and orders him to scram, or else.
Apparently Lavatch was originally employed by the countess's dead husband, which means he can't be fired, even though he's totally out of control.
Lafeu reports that the king of France has just left Marseilles and is on his way to visit the Countess here at Roussillon.
Lafeu plans to ask the King to make Bertram marry his (Lafeu's) daughter now, and the Countess agrees it's a good plan.
Lavatch runs into the room and yells out that Bertram has arrived home...and he has a giant Band-Aid on his face.
Lafeu says a battle scar would be a noble thing. Lavatch, true to form, suggests the scar may instead be from syphilis. Oh, and that all of the soliders are wearing cool hats with feathers.