There Is No Dog Summary
Meet Lucy. She is a beautiful, happy, healthy, highly religious, 21-year-old virgin. Your mom would love her. She just wants one thing: to fall in love. Meet God: an intergalactic teenage being named Bob, whose favorite hobbies include seducing his mortal creations, sleeping, eating, and masturbating. Guess who Lucy is going to fall in love with?
Bob got stuck with the job of being Earth's God by accident, and he isn't so good at running things. Luckily, he's got rational and responsible Mr. B to help him out. But Mr. B's tired of his crummy job so he's leaving. And that's not all. Bob's Mom gambles his pet, Eck, away to a pretty scary being called Emoto Hed. Estelle, Hed's daughter, wants to save Eck but it's not looking too good for the little guy.
Okay. Now that you're all caught up, let's see how it goes down.
One day Bob shows up at Lucy's job. She falls head over heels for him, of course, since he's God. Bob can't stop thinking about her, but we have a feeling that he wants something a bit more carnal than she does. Did we mention that Bob has a habit of going after mortal ladies? And that they end up dead? Or that when he is in love apocalyptic weather happens? Yeah, this is going to go well.
So there are floods. And hail. In the middle of summer. Also, a lot of lightning. Maybe frogs soon. The storm leaves people stranded in vicar Bernard's church and Lucy's mom, Laura, is helping out as much as she can. Meanwhile, Bob and Lucy are on a date and it is amazing. We guess. It actually sounds a lot like the Olive Garden.
Meanwhile, Estelle takes Eck on a date and they become friends. Mr. B has a crush on her too, but, unlike Bob, he actually takes his responsibility seriously. He's got to save the Earth.
Date is over and Bob wants to get hitched. He asks Lucy's mom for Lucy's hand in marriage. Let's just say it doesn't end well. Don't worry! Soon he and Lucy go on another date, and guess what happens? She says yes! They have wild passionate sex. Then Bob goes home and his mom (Mona) says that he can't see Lucy anymore. Dun, dun, dun.
Bob wants to get rid of his mom, but he can't. Plus, Estelle takes Eck and yells at him. Time to ask Mr. B for help. Mr. B offers a trade: save the whales, and Bob will get rid of Mona. Only Bob hasn't done the whole miracle thing in a while, so he goes a little crazy and ends up kicking Lucy out of his house. And then he manages to reveal his God powers, seriously freaking Lucy out.
He bungles his apology, of course, and now he's single. (But at least the fish can fly? Because that will save them.) In the end, everything wraps up nice and neatly. Mona is exchanged for Eck. Mr. B stays, and Bob is transferred. Estelle and Mr. B get together. So do Lucy and Luke, her co-worker who was mean to her because she was too pretty. Happy endings all around! (Except maybe for Bob. Ruling Earth sounds like a pretty thankless job.)
- "OH GLORIOUS, most glorious glorious! And yet again glorious!" (1.1) Sounds good right? We are off to a nice start when we see a lady called Lucy frolicking around in the summer weather like some hyper Snow-White in the forest talking to her animal friends.
- She is a smokin' hot babe.
- Actually, she is the most smokin' hot babe on the planet and she is delighted by everything. Man. She loves being alive.
- In the middle of her life-is-so-wonderful party, some guy walks by Lucy and gives her the stink eye for being too pretty. She doesn't seem to mind and prays to God that she will fall in love.
- And lucky (maybe?) her, those prayers are about to be answered by the big man himself!
- Let's meet God and his assistant—er, secretary—er, something or other, Mr. B. God is dreaming naughty dreams about naked girls, while Mr. B is trying to get his lazy butt out of bed.
- Eventually it works, and God notices that water is filling the streets.
- Now why is water filling the streets? Because God forgot to turn off the tap when he was taking an erotic nap before his bath time.
- This is a major eco-friendly faux pas. (Also, what kind of bathtub does God have that it overflows streets?)
- Understandably, Mr. B is a little upset and wants God to fix it, but no luck. We are getting the point that God is majorly lazy. We already feel sorry for Mr. B for having to deal with this kid for millennia.
- Mr. B goes through the mail, which is prayers from us little humans. He comes across Lucy's prayer and hides it immediately.
- You see, God is something of a pervert and he senses that a pretty girl wants to be in love just like a bloodhound sniffs out food. Can't hide that from him.
- Unfortunately God is not too lucky in love. Every time that he falls in love with humans, catastrophes happen. Looks like we're in for a doozy.
In the beginning… things didn't quite go like they did in Genesis. There was a bit more bureaucracy, interviews, and pure luck going on than the writers of the Bible let on.
Let's be honest, Earth is not in prime galactic real estate, and there weren't many applicants for the job of being Earth's God.
The hiring committee couldn't make up their minds, and then at the last minute, one of the hiring managers bet the job in a game of poker. And lost.
The job went to the winner's lazy son, Bob (hey, that's God's name!), and the committee hired the only serious candidate, middle-aged and middle-managed Mr. B, as an assistant.
Sounds like a match made in heaven, right? Like, literally.
Not according to Mr. B. He's bummed that he didn't get the job and not too excited to start working with Bob. (We can't blame him.) All he can do is hope that it'll turn out okay in the end.
We wouldn't hold our breath.
- Back to Lucy. Lucy has been working at a zoo for about three months now, but Luke, the senior zookeeper, is the thorn in her side.
- She, a perfect vision of bubbly loveliness plus a hard worker and all-around nice person, isn't exactly used to people not liking her.
- Without even knowing her, Luke has decided that she's an air-headed bimbo who was hired based on her looks, even though she has been doing a good job at the zoo.
- Still, she actually likes her job. We follow Lucy as she feeds snakes, sneaks a furtive cup of coffee, and tries to feed the monkeys, all while desperately trying not to tick Luke off even more.
- The last line of this chapter ends with Bob (God, in case you forgot) watching over Lucy like some creepy invisible and omnipotent stalker. Which, when you think about it, is pretty much what he is.
- Way sketchy.
- It is breakfast time over at God's house. Mr. B is having his healthy breakfast as recommended by the FDA food plate, while Bob's breakfast is half a box of chocolaty cereal.
- Not quite as healthy; way more delicious.
- We learn that Bob has a pet, the Eck, who is described as a cross between a penguin and an anteater.
- While everyone else is eating, Bob is having erotic dream about Lucy. (Yeah, gross.)
- When he finally wakes up at noon, he whines about how he hasn't gotten into bed with Lucy yet and wants Mr. B to make her like him.
- No go. Bob realizes that he has to go to the zoo all alone, but he doesn't even know how to get in. More whining.
Mr. B ignores him (good plan), and then tells him to buy a ticket and get over himself. Totally unfair.
- Back to Genesis now. Remember how God created the sun and the moon and the stars? Right, well the part they left out is that first he created fireworks, and fireflies, and candles.
- This didn't work out so well. Sure, they were cool (huge chandeliers!)—but not so effective. Eventually Mr. B takes the reins and sorts out that whole day/night, sun/moon, and gravity thing because he is a responsible adult.
- Bob, on the other hand, takes a nap and moves on to making land, water, plants, and animals.
- Mr. B cannot believe the weird things that Bob is doing—like, making carnivores without remembering to make them food, so they have to eat other animals; or making birds that can't fly.
- Sometime in this mad creation spree Mr. B gets to make one thing. He chooses to make whales that, unlike Bob's razor sharp carnivores and toxic mammals, are gentle and beautiful.
- Creation continues, getting weirder and weirder, what with all the sex and the different languages and all. Bob tops it off by making humans in his own image, which now that we think about it is pretty self-centered.
- Mr. B is more than a little upset about the weird planet that he is now supposed to take care of, complete with mini-Bobs running around.
- Because he is a smart guy (and, let's reiterate, a grown-up), he knows that this can't end well.
- Lucy's on the phone with her mom. Her mom is one of those old stuffy Stepford Wives-type ladies who just wants her daughter to get a boyfriend already.
- Strangely, Lucy looks nothing like the rest of the family. She seems to have stepped out of a 16th-century painting. She's 21, beautiful, doesn't know it, and a virgin—partially because her beauty puts off most men.
- Yeah, sure. Uh-huh.
- After an angry conversation with her mom, Lucy runs off to work and to get breakfast at a local cafe. She's obviously a happy camper because all it takes is some toast to repair her mood.
- When we meet Bob's mom (Mona), she's playing poker and drinking gin. Oh, hey! A cool mom.
- She's having a grand old time.
- Bob shows up with Eck and Mona wonders if the Eck is Bob's kid. Ugh, mom. Obviously not—just look at his nose.
- Anyway, we meet two new characters, Mr. Emoto Hed, who runs this poker joint, and Estelle, who is his quiet daughter. She likes the Eck, and Hed likes Mona. It's a total like-fest.
- Estelle feeds the Eck a plate of sandwiches, and for a while he is happy. Mona's poker game starts to decline a little bit. (Let's remember that she's been chugging gin.) But maybe it's not the gin's fault: she's just been dealt a postcard and a picture instead of cards.
- Hm. Could one of the other players (who all seem to be fearsome Gods) be cheating?
- Mona is mad. She transforms into a rage-monster, and we get to see that these Gods are actually pretty scary, even though they look normal and human most of the time.
- She goes all God-power on the poker club, and starts a drunken rampage. It would be funnier if Emoto Hed weren't one scary dude, but he is. He makes her sit down and shut up.
- Mr. B is in his fancy-dancy room looking at his huge stack of paperwork. Instead of working, he decides to pull out something we probably would have submitted millennia ago: his six weeks notice that he is leaving his job as Bob's…. whatever he is to Bob.
- He's pretty excited about this, and the way that he expresses that excitement is by getting back to work. Man, he is just a wild child isn't he?
- Mr. B thinks about his babies, the whales, and he wonders how Bob can be so irritating and so awesome at the same time.
- Like, how could the same guy that made swans also make platypodes (that's more than one platypus, guys)? Also, how does he not pay attention to his creations at all except when he wants to shack up with one of them?
- Well, these are questions for the ages. Mr. B has too much work to do to spend time pondering the grandiosity of Bob's stupidity.
- Meanwhile, back at the poker joint, things are heating up quite a bit. Mona has lost all her chips, but Mr. Emoto Hed makes the next hand double or nothing.
- Mona, being the bright lady that she is, takes Eck and bets him. Bob doesn't seem to notice that his pet, which is also the last of his delicious kind, is on the line in a poker game.
- Estelle, who seems more reasonable than anyone else in this book, is upset and tries to stop the bet. It doesn't work.
- Emoto takes the bet, Mona produces a brand new, untampered-with deck of cards, and the game is over as soon as it began. Mr. Emoto Hed is going to eat the very last, and might we say cutest, Eck in the universe.
- No way, Estelle tells her dad: you are not eating the last Eck in the known universe.
- Well, Mr. Emoto Hed goes all God-mode on her, but like all good daughters, she has him wrapped around her finger. Well, sort of wrapped. Maybe halfway. He gives Eck six weeks to live.
- Mona is drunk and passed out on a bed. Bob wakes her up because he has finally decided to be upset about her gambling away Eck. A little late, isn't he?
- Mona doesn't even remember that she lost, and Bob is trying to remind her what she did, but she's not even listening. Well, she is drunk.
- Eventually Bob gets pretty angry so Mona promises to get Eck back just to shut him up. After breakfast. Maybe.
- Estelle is taking Eck back to Bob. On the way they stop at a cafe. Estelle lets Eck eat to his heart's content and he falls asleep on her lap. Sweet! Estelle seems like a nice girl—er, whatever she is.
- At the café, she runs into a pretty blonde girl that we are going to assume is Lucy. Eck amazes her. She's never seen anything like him before—and she should know.
- That makes sense, since he is the only Eck. Estelle lies to Lucy and tells her that he is from Madagascar (of course) and eventually they leave the cafe.
- When Estelle gets to Bob's house, she tells him that Hed plans on eating Eck in six weeks, but Bob doesn't seem to care.
- In fact, he starts abusing Eck the moment she's gone.
- Once he's done with that, he starts bothering Mr. B about Lucy. Mr. B couldn't care less, and it shows, so God gets very pouty and sad.
- Finally he gives in and asks for help.
- Instead, Mr. B brings up the fact that there are people drowning in Florida while other people die of thirst in Sudan. Bob's excuse is that he is dyslexic and he's sorry, but Mr. B isn't buying it.
- When he tells him as much, Bob looks lonely and lost. Bob asks for help again, and he tries to worm his way into Mr. B's heart by saying that Lucy is smart and nice, not just pretty with big boobs.
- It still doesn't work. Bob tells Mr. B that he will never tell him anything about his life ever again, so there, and both we and Mr. B hope it's true.
- It's probably not.
- Lucy is called into Luke's office to see if she's passed her three-month job trial. It is nerve-wracking, and she wishes that anyone else but Luke could be the one to tell her. But she passes, hooray!
- Back to work and Lucy is happily feeding the animals. While walking the llamas (what?) she literally runs into Bob, and it is love (or something) at first sight.
- Both of them are tripping all over themselves and poor Lucy can't even figure out what is going on. Meanwhile the weather is going a little crazy, with a sudden heat wave and some lightening even though there is no rain.
- Uh oh. This doesn't look good.
- Izzy, Lucy's llama, seems to have figured out that there is something a little odd about Bob, and he is going nuts. He's just about to hawk a huge loogie in Bob's face (as llamas do) when—suddenly Bob disappears.
- Take that, Izzy.
- So Mona is over at Hed's place wearing a dress made of a book of stamps (whaa?), which we guess is in fashion for Gods this season.
- She's trying to use her feminine wiles to get the Eck un-eaten, but Hed is not budging.
- He's really serious about his poker. And his dinner.
- Mona scrambles away from Hed over to Bob's house and blatantly lies to him about her meeting with Hed.
- Bob starts ranting and raving but Mona isn't listening. Instead she starts reasoning away her responsibility for Eck in her head.
- We can't blame her. Bob is pretty annoying.
- Lucy is still reeling from her meeting with Bob. She can't get over how gorgeous and strange he is. She didn't feel anything special with her exes, but she immediately felt a spark with Bob—even though he's not her type.
- (That could have been the lightning, not love, but whatever.)
- Lucy is so dreamy that she lets a capybara escape, which could cost her the job that she always dreamed of. But maybe no one will notice? Yup, no one will miss a giant hairy rodent. Nope.
- That night Lucy prays to God that she might be able to have a relationship with Bob and for the capybara to return.
- Her brain is all caught up in issues of faith and love, but she just tries to get some sleep so that she can work properly tomorrow.
- As she sleeps she starts imagining Bob there, touching her in all those stranger-danger places. Okay, it's maybe a little too real, because she gets really freaked out and flips on the light—but no one is there.
- Of course, one of the perks of being God is that invisibility trick. We know this is supposed to be romantic or something (you know, just like Edward watching Bella sleep), but we were totally skeeved out by this.
- Meanwhile, Bob is pondering the important questions in life, like how is one hot girl different from another? Deep man, deep.
- He's also making all sorts of plans for having sex with Lucy, replacing Eck, and getting rid of his mom. His to-do list is totally full.
- As he's thinking of a way to seduce Lucy, we learn that all those myths about Zeus seducing girls in the form of an animal and all the miracles of the Hebrew Bible were just Bob trying to have sex or play a prank on everyone.
- That stuff doesn't happen anymore because Mr. B forbids it. Instead, Bob starts thinking about transforming himself into a cat or Eck until he finally hits on the easiest solution. Just ask her out already!
- So, Bob awkwardly writes her a letter asking her out to dinner, drops it off, and goes to sleep after all the strenuous writing and thinking that he did.
- It's official; Mr. B is leaving us (or at least Bob). In less than six weeks (hey, isn't Eck supposed to be eaten in six weeks?), he'll be transferred to some shiny, new, and most importantly Bob-less planet.
- As usual, Mr. B goes back to work after a brief celebration and some fancy pants Gruyere on toast for lunch.
- As we're sure you are aware of, there is some seriously messed up stuff going on over here on Earth, like wars, famine, pollution. Guess whose job it is to worry about all this stuff? Well, it sure isn't Bob's.
- Mr. B's mind turns to his whales. What with hunting and pollution, they're not doing too great. He's a little worried about what's going to happen when he jets off to his new job, and he's wondering how to protect them when ….
- It starts hailing. In the middle of summer. In a heat wave. Oops. God is in love, all right, and that's some dangerous stuff.
- Surprise! Bob is pestering Mr. B.
- He loves Lucy. He wants to get married. They'll be together forever. Never mind that that's literally impossible, since she's mortal.
- Mr. B tells him just to take it a step at a time, but Bob doesn't like this advice and storms out of the room. Literally. There are storms.
- Somewhere less silly, Estelle is trying to convince her dad not to eat Eck.
- But, a debt is a debt and a deal is a deal. Then again, just as Bob's apple definitely didn't fall far from Mona's tree, it looks like Estelle is a chip off the old block.
- She has a plan. What plan? Who knows? But it looks like it's going to be really good.
- Mona has zapped herself over to Bob's place again, and this time she's soaking wet because of Bob's bright idea to tie the weather to his moods.
- While Bob is away, she has a little chat with Mr. B and he tells her about Bob, Lucy, the weather, and how he has resigned.
- Mona is totally gobsmacked by Mr. B's resignation because, even though she's Bob's mom, she has to admit that he sucks pretty badly at this whole God thing and it's probably not a great idea to leave him totally in charge.
- So, she makes a little to-do list of her own: make Bob not suck (good luck), no more dating mortals, no more natural disasters, and no more pets getting eaten. Sounds good. With that, she poofs away.
- Then alone with poor Eck, Mr. B notices that the Eck has been a bit depressed lately. Which makes sense. Seeing as he's going to get eaten and all.
- It's raining. A lot. Inside Saint Christopher's church, we meet the vicar, Bernard, who is friends with Lucy's mom.
- Rain is pouring down outside. The flood is so high that Bernard imagines that he can see a crocodile swimming in the dirty water. (Well, there is a zoo nearby.) In fact, it's so flooded that people are stranded in the church, which is conveniently on a hill.
- Laura has come to help Bernard with the parishioners (how? by boat?) by bringing a bunch of stuff from her kitchen and helping serve food.
- As they talk we can see that Bernard and Laura have a bit of a crush on each other. They talk about Lucy. It seems that she's been having visitations from angels since childhood.
- Knowing what we know, it's hard to figure out if she just has an overactive imagination or if Bob has been up to his tricks.
- Anyway, it's not like she'll get married to God, right? Right?
- Bob is still trying to figure out how to get into Lucy's pants when his mom shows up.
- She's actually trying to be a mom for once, telling him that he's not allowed to go out with Lucy because, well, he could end up killing everyone on earth in the process.
- Bob is not too excited about this idea and the whole chapter ends with him throwing a hissy fit because he thinks he's been an awesome God.
- His mom has to break it to him that he wasn't really the best man-boy for the job; he was just the only one conveniently available.
- Back to Estelle.Estelle has been traveling. Since the whole Eck incident at the poker game, she's been a wondering what the point of her existence is—so she's gone looking for it throughout the universe.
- Hed's a bit upset when she leaves again, because, even though he hates to admit it, he misses his daughter.
- So, apparently, do the poker players who have noticed that Hed has been just a teensy bit on edge since Estelle has been away.
- Now we get a little insight into Luke.
- See, down at the zoo things aren't going so well. There are floods, sleet, heat waves, hail, and all sorts of crazy 10-plagues-like weather happening.
- But Luke still has to run the zoo. (At least it's on a hill, right?)
- Luke's house is even higher up on a hill, in a turret. He can look down on everyone from there and be comforted. Right now, the view outside of his turret isn't so comforting anymore, so he has to take an Alka-Seltzer to get sleep.
- Before bed he wishes for one thing. A child.
- It's six in the morning and a strange valley-talking girl (like, you know, whatever) barges into Luke's house and makes herself some tea.
- She wants a job, her name is Skype (ha!), and maybe she's the answer to Luke's prayers?
- Luke can't seem to decide if he likes her or not, but he gives her a job anyway. That's all it took? A weird girl barging into his house?
- Maybe Lucy should have tried that.
- Bob is getting ready for his big date. He's got on his black jeans, his t-shirt, and he's ready to go.
- Of course, he has no idea when Lucy gets off of work because practical things like that are waaay too complicated for him, so he ends up waiting three hours outside of the zoo.
- Finally Lucy appears and the date begins. Bob is super awkward and can barely talk.
- When Lucy asks him about his history and family, he actually tells her the truth! Lucy must be head over heels, because she ignores it and instead swallows the story he makes up about being an army kid.
- Eventually the lovebirds kiss over their oily plates of pasta and lighting strikes, literally.
- Suddenly, the whole restaurant looks like a storm hit it. Because it did. You know, that whole God weather thing.
- There's a lot of lovey-dovey talk that you can check out for yourselves, but we'll say the date is going well so far. Bob walks Lucy home, and they look for the lost capybara together. Eventually they give up and head back to Lucy's place.
- We know what you're thinking, but it doesn't happen and Bob is sent packing with his goal incomplete.
- This is actually his most redeeming moment so far, since he doesn't use his God tricks to get what he wants.
- Meanwhile, Lucy is just a little frightened about her new boyfriend since he seems not to have a phone… and maybe not even a real address. (Definitely not a Facebook account.)
- Back at Casa Bob, Mr. B wants this whole freak weather thing to stop, because people are dying.
- He also seems to be second guessing leaving the Earth since Bob is such a horrible God, but he doesn't know what to do.
- Estelle is back for Eck. Happy day, because she's way nicer than Bob and she has a bag full of intergalactic treats just for him!
- Dear readers, savor this chapter where nothing bad happens.
- Estelle takes Eck on a field trip to the zoo, where they see Lucy long enough to observe that she really isn't looking too great.
- Obviously, Eck is sad to see Estelle go. Even though he thinks that Bob won't let him have a friend (so sad! Poor Eck!) they make a date for the day after tomorrow.
- Mr. B, meanwhile, seems to have developed a little crush on Estelle.
- Later, Mr. B asks Bob about Estelle. She isn't his type, so obviously he barely even remembers her.
- Mr. B tries to go back to work and get the lovely Estelle out of his head. Hey, we've got just the thing: how about thinking about the world's senseless suffering?
- That does the trick. Mr. B wants to help people, but the thing is that, once you start helping people, other things tend to go wrong. It's the whole butterfly effect thing.
- As usual, Mr. B's mind turns to thoughts of whales. He promises himself that he won't leave Earth until he saves them.
- Lucy is more than a little aroused by the thought of Bob. He's all she can think about. She's at work, but she can't concentrate on a single thing—even though Luke actually smiles at her for once.
- She doesn't have to wait too long before Bob shows up. They make plans to get down and dirty after she gets off of work tonight. Whoa there, Lucy!
- Anyway, Bob waits around while Lucy and her co-workers tend to zoo business. Skype is there and Lucy seems unaccountably upset about her presence and friendliness with Luke. (Hm, we have some theories about that.)
- At the same time, she starts to notice that Bob is, well, kind of a lazy sack of bones. But she's still upset when she comes back from getting tea and notices that Skype and Bob are talking.
- Who is this Skype? We're getting majorly bad vibes from her.
- Finally, Lucy and Bob leave. Lucy starts talking about the weather and the death toll. That totally kills the sexy mood for Bob, but she doesn't know why.
- In fact, he doesn't get excited again until she tells him they are going back to her place, if you know what she means.
- But that doesn't go too well, either. They start with the kissing and all the usual stuff, when Lucy seriously freaks out.
- She runs away from Bob, starts making tea, and then gets going scrubbing some dishes. It's another strikeout for Bob.
- Oh, also? Apparently, Mona has been watching the whole time. Gross, mom. But anyway she tells Mr. B all about it. It seems like mom's to-do list still has a lot of un-done items.
- Bob tells Mr. B how his date went, and Mr. B actually seems a little bothered by the ending.
- See, Mr. B is trying to be helpful, since he thinks that Bob and Lucy having sex is the only way for the crazy weather to stop.
- Bob has other plans. Like, he's going to marry her. Mr. B tries to warn him that might not be a good idea, but teenager God just storms out of the room.
- Bernard, even though he is a vicar, doesn't have the kind of relationship with God that you would imagine. He's seen some bad stuff go down, so their relationship is a bit complicated.
- Not like Facebook complicated. Really complicated.
- Now he is thinking about the weather, the stranded people, and how this might be the end of the world. People are starting to get upset about sleeping in a church with tons of other people and supplies are wearing thin. Bernard is tired.
- Then Laura comes into his room with some tea and cookies. When she enters the room, she thinks that he smells "arousingly vicarish" (30.12) and we seriously start wondering if anyone (or anything, for that matter) is not sex-crazed in this book.
- Suddenly Bob barges in. Bernard, interestingly enough, hates him on sight, but Bob is here to talk to Laura.
- This is where we learn that we do not want to get Laura angry, because the first thing that she does is start planning how to beat Bob up if she has to.
- And then Bob kind of sort of asks for Lucy's hand in marriage. It's kind of more like a showdown than a proposal. We even get to see him go into God mode!
- In the end, Laura doesn't agree, and Bob just kind of disappears. Because he's God and all.
- Estelle and Hed are having a little chat. When Hed tells her how Bob got the job of God, she's confused: why he didn't give the job to her instead, since she actually wants to help Earth?
- And then she brings up Eck. At first Hed isn't thrilled about this, but he calms down when she says she won't ask him not to eat it. Estelle has a plan.
- We have a feeling it's a pretty good one.
- Because he is a totally socially inept idiot, Bob comes home telling Eck that his meeting with Lucy's mom went well. Yeah, we had a different impression.
- Then he starts thinking about how awesome Lucy is and how they should be together forever.
- Eck is a little bit more busy thinking about how pretty soon he's going to be dinner with red peppercorn sauce and how unfair it is that?
- Bob made people and creatures mortal.
- Also, Bob likes to tell him that he's nothing, which really bums him out.
- Poor Eck. Don't you just want to give him a big hug and maybe make a sad commercial about his plight?
- In the aftermath of her meeting with Bob, Laura is on the phone with Lucy, telling her everything that happened.
- Lucy is kind of annoyed that her mom thinks Bob is weirdo, but even she has some doubts.
- At the same time, Bob is thinking about how being with Lucy would mean he doesn't have to be lonely anymore, and that makes us feel a smidgen of sympathy for him.
- Well, until he gets all annoyed that Mr. B would like to, you know, stop world-wide suffering as much as possible.
- That ruins our sympathy for him pretty quickly.
- Bob decides to pay a little visit to Lucy and they plan a romantic boat date on Saturday. Can't wait!
- Mr. B, like a worried parent, is losing his mind over where Bob could be at this hour of the night. It's dark out there! There are gangs! And drug dealers! And wolves!
- Even though he hates going out to Earth, Mr. B puts his pants on and goes all over looking for young master Bob. He checks all of the places that Bob is likely to be: bars, pool halls, brothels, etc. But, no luck.
- For a moment, Mr. B pauses. He sees the moon on the water and the stars and realizes that Earth is pretty beautiful after all.
- Somewhere else, Bob is lying around in his boat, admiring nature, and thinking about how awesome love is. He starts getting pretty deep when he explains that the whole reason why he lets so much bad stuff happen is because without it, there would be no reason to appreciate the good stuff. See, that's what makes Earth so great, despite all the flooding and wars and carnivores.
- Huh. It looks like everyone has decided to go out on a boat ride tonight. Even Mona! Mona's boat is a bit more like a glass egg than a boat, which we guess is not weirder than a dress made of stamp books.
- She's thinking (rightly) about how she's a horrible mother with a major gambling problem. She's gambled away one of her daughters, an ex-boyfriend, and even herself. (For a while.)
- Bob drifts by for little mother-son chat..
- Mr. B sees them from his boat and starts thinking about Bob again. He feels guilty for (1) leaving him alone, and (2) leaving Earth alone with him.
- Next come Estelle and Eck, looking as happy as can be. Mr. B wishes that he could trade places with Eck and it's obvious that he likes Estelle more than a little bit.
- In the end, Mr. B throws himself a little pity-party, crying about himself and all the poor people on earth.
- Hey, beautiful day! Bob is heading out for his boat date. He's got a fancy traditional style Egyptian boat and Lucy is impressed.
- Everyone is out, happy for it not to be hailing, or storming, or raining lizards or something like that. It's a day that is made for love.
- Lucy is even having a great time until she remembers that her boyfriend is super duper weird and sketchy.
- Oh, never mind that. There's cheese and booze and the weather is great.
- Bob even decides he might renounce his God-ship for Lucy so they can be together forever, or at least until Lucy dies. Whichever comes first. In all of their happy drunkenness, Bob asks Lucy to elope and marry him.
- (PSA: Boats and alcohol don't mix, kids. Don't try this at home.)
- Surprise, surprise, Lucy says yes. And they have sex! But we don't see it, because this book is classy like that.
- Then Bob suggests that they run away together, and she says she will think about it. And she does. Lucy has a lot to think about.
- For once, Mona is trying to be a good mom. She wants to put an end to this whole Lucy thing, but Bob is a spoiled whiny brat and isn't listening.
- For once, she also has a good point. We imagine that Lucy will be a little freaked out when she learns that she just had sex with God. Just a little.
- And, we can admit it: for once, Bob is trying to do the whole thing right. He's not turning into a swan or something and getting rid of her when he is tired of sex.
- Really? We don't see it lasting. (And neither does Mona.)
- Then another shocker: Mona lets it slip that Mr. B might not be around to pick up the slack forever, so Bob should maybe try to step it up at work.
- Just then, Bob notices a sign that says, "There is no God."
- Not quite correct.
- Things are still a mess over at the zoo, but they're better off than all the other zoos that are trying to send over their animals.
- On the bright side, the weather has returned to normal and all the animals are enjoying the sunshine.
- On the not so bright side, it seems like Bob has completely forgotten about Lucy after they had sex.
- What happened to together forever?
- Lucy whines at Luke for a little while, but he can't think about now: he's got a bunch of zoo animals to tend.
- Mona is back at Bob's place, showing off her new fashionable seaweed dress while Bob mopes.
- She chooses this moment to forbid Bob to see Lucy, and he flips his lid. Unfortunately, he can't do anything about it: his mom is more powerful than he is.
- Mr. B is so ready to be out of here… except that, okay, he has to admit that he actually does care about all the silly drama. And even about Bob.
- Bam! Suddenly, Estelle is there. She introduces herself to Mr. B and he lets her know that he is planning on leaving.
- Like everyone else, she thinks that this is basically the worst idea ever. Without Mr. B, the Earth is done for.
- Estelle puts on her thinking cap, and we can't wait to see what she's going to come up with. Hope it's good, because the Earth is in all kinds of a mess.
- Bob's got a plan of his own: he's going to get Mr. B to get rid of his mom.
- Not so fast. Mr. B will only help if Bob gives him something in return. Since Bob has the emotional maturity of a 19-year-old, he says no deal.
- Yeah, good luck with that, Bob.
- As usual, Bob is having filthy dreams. Estelle, who has let herself into his bedroom via a broken window, interrupts him from his fantasies.
- She's here for the Eck.
- At first, Eck is worried that she's just taking him off to be eaten by her dad, but he forgets everything when he sees the delicious cake that she brought for him.
- Estelle leaves with Eck and Bob does something very bad and very stupid. He makes his whole building collapse. This kills the people living there, and it almost kills Eck. Estelle, being immortal (DUH) is not hurt at all, but she is pretty mad.
- All we can say is, don't mess with this lady. She means business.
- She gives Bob such a talking to that he transforms into a sad little rain cloud and runs back to Mr. B.
- Oh, he's ready for that deal now? Fine, says Mr. B. Save the whales, and Mr. B will solve his problems.
- Luke is trying to be nice to Lucy with some small talk, until he starts asking about Bob. Lucy tears up, because she still hasn't heard from Bob since they had sex.
- That was, like, six chapters ago. Not too cool, Bob.
- Luke is kind of trying to flirt with her and failing, but she is starting to think that he might be an okay boyfriend. Better than Bob, at any rate.
- By the time she gets home, Lucy is furious. She shatters a glass of wine against the wall and decides to go find Bob. We imagine, that just like drunk texting, this will not end well.
- She gets closer to Bob's house and she sees the gory aftermath of Bob's little temper tantrum with Estelle. (A collapsed building.) She fears the worst, until she notices his own identical house right next to the collapsed one.
- At first Lucy is confused because she imagined that Bob's decor would be way more artsy and interesting than the plain grey modern furniture that he has.
- Oh boy. She sees Bob, and he's not looking too good. In fact, he's looking pretty crazy.
- He's sounding pretty crazy, too, talking about having to go save the oceans or something.
- Lucy hightails it out of there. Smart girl.
- Laura is worried. She can't contact Lucy and you all know what that means in mom world: you're probably dead. Or being tortured. Or both.
- So, she heads on over to Bernard's, and he takes her to Lucy's place.
- Surprise! Lucy is there and in one piece. See, her phone was dead.
- Uh-huh. We've used that one before.
- Lucy is sad and angry with Bob, but she doesn't want her mother's sympathy. Too bad; her mom gives it to her anyway, while Bernard heads back to the church.
- Just checking in on Estelle and Eck. They are doing great. The best of friends. In fact, Eck thinks he has died and gone to heaven.
- Feel those warm fuzzies? Good, hold on to them because we're headed back to Bob and Lucy's not-so-happy story.
- So it's a while later now, and Bob just realizes that he sent Lucy away even though he was saving the whales so that he could be with her.
- He decides that he has to see her, right then, even though he looks insane.
- When he gets to Lucy's place, she tells him to go away (naturally).
- Bob won't take no for an answer and he teleports into her house which (naturally, again) terrifies Lucy and her mom.
- They lock themselves in the bathroom (um, gals? He can teleport through walls?) and Bob realizes that maybe this wasn't the best idea.
- He tells Lucy that he loved her and leaves.
- Back at home, Estelle is there. Bob tries to scare her but come on. There's no scaring this chick. She tells him that Eck has two days to live, but Bob has other things on his mind.
- Now, just when Bob is at his rock bottom, he decides to act like God again and something happens. Something good? Bad?
- Oh, hang on, it's time for a new chapter.
- Finally, Mr. B's envelope is here, his ship has come in, and he has a promotion. He is outta here!
- So why does he feel so bad for abandoning the planet? Why does he care so much?
- Because, duh, Bob isn't really God. He is.
- Finally, the weather is beautiful. No rain. No hail. Just gorgeous summer weather.
- As he wakes up, Luke thinks it would be even nicer to have a lady friend to wake up too. Yeah, that does sound nice.
- Meanwhile Mr. B is sitting on a bench in the city thinking.
- Bernard comes and sits next to him. They start having a pretty deep conversation about morality and religion and all that serious stuff.
- We're pretty sure that Bernard thinks that Mr. B is crazy, but they seem to have an interesting conversation anyway.
- After a while, Bernard leaves. Mr. B leaves, too, thinking deep thoughts about his soon-to-be Bobless future.
- Back at home, Mona is there with Bob and Eck.
- Eck is due to be eaten with a delicious peppercorn sauce today.
- Bob comes up to Mr. B and tells him that he finished his side of the deal and that it was his turn to get rid of his mom.
- Wait a second, how did he save the whales?
- Shortly later we figure it out. The fish are flying! It's a miracle!
- Well, that's one way to do it.
- While this is certainly awesome, Mr. B is not sure that this is really a solution to the issue of water pollution. But hey, he'll take what he can get for now.
- Once in a while, that kid is a genius.
- As everyone starts noticing that fish can fly, wars stop and for a few short moments there is world peace.
- People start wondering if all that stuff in the Bible really did happen, after all. Hmmm.
- Mr. B, of course, is still worried. Gee, that guy has a lot on his mind.
- Time for dinner! Emoto Hed is here to eat his first and last Eck.
- Everyone is chilling at Bob's house, and Mr. B has his letter of transfer on the table. Even though Estelle should be concerned about the whole Eck problem, she sees something very important.
- Time for stage one of Estelle's plan.
- She offers Mona as a trade for Eck, and Hed disappears with her in a puff of smoke.
- Okay next thing. Mr. B thinks he is being transferred. Yeah, not so much. The letter of transfer was for Bob! Snap!
- So now Mr. B is God, we guess?
- Anyway he poofs Bob away. No more Bob-problem. Wait, one more thing! Mr. B asks Estelle if she'll stay with him, and she says yes.
- Time to wrap it up, folks. Everyone on Earth is still worked up about the miraculous flying fish, including Luke.
- He's also thinking about Lucy, so it's no wonder he misses his bus stop.
- As he gets off the bus and walks toward work, who does he see?
- Duh. Lucy, of course.
- Lucy is still upset about Bob, but Luke charms her by grabbing a fish out of the air and putting it in Lucy's hand.
- She giggles and then throws her arms around him. They run to the zoo hand-in-hand, laughing and full of hope.
- And, yeah: with Mr. B running the show now, things should be looking up for Earth.