Enter Holofernes the Pedant, Nathaniel the Curate,
and Dull the Constable. HOLOFERNES Satis quid sufficit. NATHANIEL
I praise God for you, sir. Your reasons at
dinner have been sharp and sententious, pleasant
without scurrility, witty without affection, audacious
without impudency, learned without opinion, 5
and strange without heresy. I did converse this
quondam day with a companion of the King’s, who
is intituled, nominated, or called Don Adriano de
Armado. HOLOFERNES
Novi hominem tanquam te. His humor 10
is lofty, his discourse peremptory, his tongue filed,
his eye ambitious, his gait majestical, and his general
behavior vain, ridiculous, and thrasonical. He is
too picked, too spruce, too affected, too odd, as it
were, too peregrinate, as I may call it. 15 NATHANIEL
A most singular and choice epithet. Draw out his table book. HOLOFERNES
He draweth out the thread of his verbosity
finer than the staple of his argument. I abhor
such fanatical phantasimes, such insociable and
point-devise companions, such rackers of orthography, 20
as to speak “dout,” fine, when he should
say “doubt”; “det” when he should pronounce
“debt”—d, e, b, t, not d, e, t. He clepeth a calf
“cauf,” half “hauf,” neighbor vocatur “nebor”;
neigh abbreviated ne. This is abhominable—which 25
he would call “abominable.” It insinuateth me of
insanie. Ne intelligis, domine? To make frantic,
lunatic. NATHANIEL
Laus Deo, bone intelligo. HOLOFERNES
Bone? Bone for bene? Priscian a little 30
scratched; ’twill serve. | Holofernes, Sir Nathaniel and Dull enter from dinner. Nathaniel is up to his usual brown-nosing with Holofernes. He says how refreshing it is to enjoy a scintillating conversation after having spent time earlier in the day talking to Armado. Armado seems to be a sore spot with Holofernes, who busts into a long critique of Armado's ornate communication style. The schoolmaster and curate continue to amuse themselves by showing off their Latin skills. |
Enter Armado the Braggart, Boy, and Costard. NATHANIEL
Videsne quis venit? HOLOFERNES Video, et gaudeo. ARMADO
Chirrah. HOLOFERNES
Quare “chirrah,” not “sirrah”? 35 ARMADO
Men of peace, well encountered. HOLOFERNES
Most military sir, salutation. BOY, aside to Costard
They have been at a great feast
of languages and stolen the scraps. COSTARD, aside to Boy
O, they have lived long on the 40
almsbasket of words. I marvel thy master hath not
eaten thee for a word, for thou art not so long by the
head as honorificabilitudinitatibus. Thou art easier
swallowed than a flapdragon. BOY, aside to Costard
Peace, the peal begins. 45 ARMADO, to Holofernes
Monsieur, are you not
lettered? BOY Yes, yes, he teaches boys the hornbook.—What is
a, b spelled backward, with the horn on his head? HOLOFERNES
Ba, pueritia, with a horn added. 50 BOY
Ba, most silly sheep, with a horn.—You hear his
learning. HOLOFERNES
Quis, quis, thou consonant? BOY
The last of the five vowels, if you repeat them; or
the fifth, if I. 55 HOLOFERNES
I will repeat them: a, e, i— BOY
The sheep. The other two concludes it: o, u. ARMADO Now by the salt wave of the Mediterraneum,
a sweet touch, a quick venue of wit! Snip, snap,
quick and home. It rejoiceth my intellect. True 60
wit. BOY
Offered by a child to an old man—which is
wit-old. HOLOFERNES
What is the figure? What is the figure? BOY
Horns. 65 HOLOFERNES
Thou disputes like an infant. Go whip thy
gig. BOY
Lend me your horn to make one, and I will whip
about your infamy—unum cita—a gig of a cuckold’s
horn. 70 COSTARD
An I had but one penny in the world, thou
shouldst have it to buy gingerbread! Hold, there is
the very remuneration I had of thy master, thou
halfpenny purse of wit, thou pigeon egg of discretion.
He gives him money. O, an the heavens were 75
so pleased that thou wert but my bastard, what a
joyful father wouldest thou make me! Go to, thou
hast it ad dunghill, at the fingers’ ends, as they say. HOLOFERNES Oh, I smell false Latin! Dunghill for
unguem. | Armado enters with Mote and Costard. Mote is, as usual, not so respectful, and gets into a playful battle of wits with clueless Holofernes. Mote wins, much to Costard's amusement. |
ARMADO
Arts-man, preambulate. We will be singuled
from the barbarous. Do you not educate youth at
the charge-house on the top of the mountain? HOLOFERNES
Or mons, the hill. ARMADO
At your sweet pleasure, for the mountain. 85 HOLOFERNES
I do, sans question. ARMADO
Sir, it is the King’s most sweet pleasure and
affection to congratulate the Princess at her pavilion
in the posteriors of this day, which the rude
multitude call the afternoon. 90 HOLOFERNES
“The posterior of the day,” most generous
sir, is liable, congruent, and measurable for
“the afternoon”; the word is well culled, chose,
sweet, and apt, I do assure you, sir, I do assure. ARMADO Sir, the King is a noble gentleman, and my 95
familiar, I do assure you, very good friend. For
what is inward between us, let it pass. I do beseech
thee, remember thy courtesy; I beseech thee apparel
thy head. And among other important and most
serious designs, and of great import indeed, too— 100
but let that pass; for I must tell thee, it will please his
Grace, by the world, sometimes to lean upon my
poor shoulder and with his royal finger thus dally
with my excrement, with my mustachio—but,
sweetheart, let that pass. By the world, I recount no 105
fable! Some certain special honors it pleaseth his
Greatness to impart to Armado, a soldier, a man of
travel, that hath seen the world—but let that pass.
The very all of all is—but sweetheart, I do implore
secrecy—that the King would have me present the 110
Princess, sweet chuck, with some delightful ostentation,
or show, or pageant, or antic, or firework.
Now, understanding that the curate and your sweet
self are good at such eruptions and sudden breaking
out of mirth, as it were, I have acquainted you 115
withal to the end to crave your assistance. HOLOFERNES
Sir, you shall present before her the Nine
Worthies.—Sir Nathaniel, as concerning some
entertainment of time, some show in the posterior
of this day, to be rendered by our assistance, the 120
King’s command, and this most gallant, illustrate,
and learned gentleman, before the Princess—I say,
none so fit as to present the Nine Worthies. NATHANIEL Where will you find men worthy enough to
present them? 125 HOLOFERNES
Joshua, yourself; myself; and this gallant
gentleman, Judas Maccabaeus. This swain, because
of his great limb or joint, shall pass Pompey
the Great; the page, Hercules— ARMADO Pardon, sir—error. He is not quantity 130
enough for that Worthy’s thumb; he is not so big as
the end of his club! HOLOFERNES
Shall I have audience? He shall present
Hercules in minority. His enter and exit shall be
strangling a snake; and I will have an apology for 135
that purpose. BOY
An excellent device. So, if any of the audience
hiss, you may cry “Well done, Hercules, now thou
crushest the snake.” That is the way to make an
offense gracious, though few have the grace to do it. 140 ARMADO
For the rest of the Worthies? HOLOFERNES I will play three myself. BOY
Thrice-worthy gentleman! ARMADO, to Holofernes
Shall I tell you a thing? HOLOFERNES
We attend. 145 ARMADO
We will have, if this fadge not, an antic. I
beseech you, follow. HOLOFERNES Via, goodman Dull. Thou hast spoken no
word all this while. DULL
Nor understood none neither, sir. 150 HOLOFERNES
Allons! We will employ thee. DULL
I’ll make one in a dance, or so; or I will play on
the tabor to the Worthies and let them dance the
hay. HOLOFERNES Most dull, honest Dull. To our sport! 155
Away. They exit. | Armado invites Holofernes to take a little walk and hear his proposal. After a good bit of bragging, Armado comes out with it: the King wants him to organize a pageant. Having heard that Holofernes and Nathaniel are good at such things, he's asking for their help. Holofernes doesn't miss a beat. They'll present a pageant of the Nine Worthies—great men in History. Nathaniel, Armado, Costard, and Mote will all have parts, and Holofernes will play three heroes himself. Dull will dance. |