These opening credits aren't like any we've ever seen before. For starters, they're all taking place as we pan across the elements of a frozen fight scene—like a car on fire in mid-air, coffee in mid-spill, and a car's cigarette lighter whizzing by some poor dude's face.
These credits also don't use the real names of the cast and crew. It's "Some Douchebag's film," for example, starring "God's perfect idiot." That would be Ryan Reynold's, whose People magazine "Sexiest Man Alive" cover is part of the fight's detritus. Sick burn, "Some Douchebag."
Oh, look. "A hot chick" and "a British villain" are in this movie, too. That uber-earnest early '80s pop song in the background is "Angel of the Morning" by Juice Newton.
Cut to Deadpool riding in the back of a cab. He shoves a brochure for a Segway tour in his utility belt, sticks his hand out the window, and pulls some gum off the ceiling. He's bored.
Deadpool crawls through the partition and sits up front with the cab driver, Dopinder. He spots a photo of a pretty woman. Dopinder explains that it's Gita. He loves her, but her heart's been stolen by his cousin. Deadpool tells Dopinder not to let true love get away.
Dopinder asks Deadpool what the deal is with the red suit. Deadpool tells him it's because it's Christmas Day, and he's after someone on his "naughty list."
Cut to Ajax in a parking lot surrounded by a caravan of SUVs and motorcycles. A helicopter lands, and its passenger disembarks. Ajax has a large crate of…well…something to give him. We don't know what's in there, but, based on their back-and-forth, it's something for waging war. We're going to guess weapons of some kind. It's definitely not a big crate full of grilled cheese sandwiches.
Ajax tells his business associate that next month's shipment is going to be delayed. When the man protests, Ajax grabs him by the neck and lifts him several feet in the air. The man stops complaining.
Ajax and the would-be warlord part ways, and, as they do, the man curses mutants under his breath. Ajax is a mutant, then. Got it.
Back in the cab, Deadpool realizes he forgot his ammo bag. He counts up his bullets—he has a dozen—and decides he can make it. Then he stiffs Dopinder for the fare and wishes him a Merry Christmas before he gets out of the cab.
It's not actually Christmas Day, by the way. According to Dopinder, it's just some Tuesday in April. This Deadpool guy may be just a wee bit unhinged.