Deadpool sits on the edge of a highway overpass, cars whizzing past behind and beneath him in a series of exchanges. He's coloring a picture of himself beating up a guy named Francis—a picture we saw in the opening credits montage—and listening to "Shoop" by Salt-N-Pepa on a small tape player.
We don't know who this Francis is, but if he has anything to do with the fleet of bad guys chasing Deadpool, he can't be up to anything good.
Suddenly Deadpool turns to the camera and acts surprised by the fact he has an audience: us. He breaks the fourth wall to address us directly: He's just as surprised as we are that he got his own movie. He also suggests that he had to perform a sexual favor for Hugh Jackman—a.k.a. Marvel Cinematic Universe mainstay Wolverine—in order to get it. G'day then, mate.
Deadpool tells us he has a face to fix and bad guys to kill.
When he spots an approaching caravan of SUVs, he stands and drops off the edge of the overpass—right through one the sunroof of one of those ominous SUVs.
The thugs inside are listening to—yep, you guessed it—"Angel of the Morning." Looks like we're about to see the frozen fight from the opening credits—except, you know, unfrozen.
Deadpool fights the men inside the car, quipping all the way. "Rich Corinthian leather," he coos, as a thug shoves his face into the back of the driver's seat.
The high-speed combat continues as more SUVs and men on motorcycles pull up alongside Deadpool's SUV. The entire scuffle is brutal and really, really gory. Deadpool burns one thug with the car's cigarette lighter, then shoves it in his mouth. Another thug gets decapitated. Yet another thug slams into a freeway sign so hard that his body is instantly rendered a pile of brisket. Yuck.
Even in the middle of such a hellacious blood-and-guts-fest, Deadpool brings the jokes. "S***," he grouses as we see his upside-down SUV fly through the air in slow motion. "Did I leave the stove on?"
The SUV hits the ground and skids to a stop.
Cut to Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters, a.k.a. home base for the X-Men. Over breakfast, Colossus watches the new report of the massive collision that Deadpool was involved in. As soon as they mention a guy in a red suit, he knows it's Deadpool, and he seems perturbed.
He calls for Negasonic Teenage Warhead, and as they head for the X-Jet together, Colossus complains that he's given Deadpool every opportunity to stop acting like a child and join the X-Men. No dice.
Back at the accident site, everything's in chaos. Innocent bystanders run screaming from the cars. Men with automatic weapons approach Deadpool's overturned SUV. He's using it for cover. He waves; they fire.
Deadpool tells them to hold up; he only has 12 bullets, so they're going to have to share.
Deadpool emerges from behind cover, and everything goes slow-mo once more. He counts down the bullets as he kills bad guy after bad guy. He also gets shot. He sticks his finger all the way through the bullet hole in his forearm. Then we see the wound immediately start closing up. Rock on, regenerative healing powers.
Deadpool expends 11 of his 12 bullets, stopping to pose and make wisecracks as he goes. He even throws a little dancing in for good measure.
Three more thugs roll up. Deadpool only has one bullet left. He waits for just the right moment, when they're all lined up by their SUV, and then he shoots all three through the head with that final bullet.
It's impressive and gory.
Unlike most action films, when people get shot in this movie, it makes a splattery, brain mattery mess.
Deadpool stops to smell his smoking gun barrels and then literally skips off to find Francis.
What's this? The last of the trio Deadpool just shot in the head gets up. He pulls the bullet from his forehead, rolls up his sleeves, and draws two knives. Deadpool whines, then pulls the pair of swords from his back and impales the guy. Freeze frame!
As the camera pans across the tableau of Deadpool turning this poor schmuck into a kebab, Deadpool addresses the women in the audience who he thinks probably feel like they got duped into coming to this sophomoric, bloody action flick. He points out two things: First, this may be a super-hero movie, but he's no superhero. Second, this is actually a love story.
To tell it right, we need to go back in time. Two years, to be precise.