GILDEROY LOCKHART: Let me introduce you to your new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. Me. Gilderoy Lockhart Order of Merlin, Third Class, honorary member of the Dark Force Defense League, and five times winner of Witch Weekly's Most-Charming-Smile Award. But I don't talk about that. I didn't get rid of the Bandon Banshee by smiling at him.
So Lockhart has an impressive resume. Of course, later we'll find out that he got all these awards by lying his pants off. He did look good while doing it, though. Right, ladies?
HARRY POTTER: Do you think I should have told them? Dumbledore and the others, I mean?
RON WEASLEY: Are you mad?
HERMIONE GRANGER: No, Harry. Even in the wizarding world, hearing voices isn't a good sign.
Hmm…we're not sure this little lie of omission is the best idea. Students are being attacked by an unknown monster and Ron and Hermione are worried about Harry looking weird because of the voices in his head. We'd go straight to Dumbledore on this one.
HARRY POTTER: I think my arm is broken.
GILDEROY LOCKHART: Not to worry, Harry. I will fix that arm of yours straightaway.
HARRY POTTER: Not you.
GILDEROY LOCKHART: Boy doesn't know what he's saying. This won't hurt a bit. Brackium Emendo! Yes, well, that can sometimes happen but the point is you can no longer feel any pain, and, very clearly, the bones are not broken.
RUBEUS HAGRID: Broken? There's no bones left.
GILDEROY LOCKHART: Much more flexible, though.
So, this isn't the first clue that Lockhart has no idea what he's doing. We have to wonder how Lockhart has kept up his ruse so long. He's honestly not that great at faking it, is he?
TOM RIDDLE: Sir, if it all stopped, if the person responsible was caught...
ALBUS DUMBLEDORE: Is there something you wish to tell me?
TOM RIDDLE: No, sir. Nothing.
Talk about a smooth liar. When Harry tries this same line on Dumbledore at least he feels bad. Tom doesn't blink. He just fibs right to his professor's face. A young psychopath in the making.
TOM RIDDLE: Evening, Hagrid. I'm going to have to turn you in. I don't think you meant it to kill anyone...
RUBEUS HAGRID: You can't. You don't understand.
TOM RIDDLE: The dead girl's parents will be here tomorrow. The least Hogwarts can do is make sure the thing that killed their daughter is slaughtered.
RUBEUS HAGRID: It wasn't him. Aragog never killed no one. Never.
TOM RIDDLE: Monsters don't make good pets, Hagrid.
Wow. Tom even keeps up appearances when he arrests Hagrid. He knows that Aragog isn't the monster from the Chamber of Secrets, but he never lets on. He has Hagrid expelled and covers up his crimes for the next fifty years. Talk about a long con.
LUCIUS MALFOY: The other governors and I have decided it's time for you to step aside. This is an order of suspension. You'll find all twelve signatures on it. I'm afraid we feel you've rather lost your touch. Well, what, with all these attacks there'll be no Muggle-borns left at Hogwarts. I can only imagine what an awful loss that would be to the school.
Speaking of schemers, Lucius Malfoy is a pretty good one. He sees an opening to get rid of Dumbledore and he takes it. To be fair, it couldn't have been too hard to convince the Hogwarts governors to sign off on his removal. There was a basilisk living in the castle for a thousand years and he never found it, so we do kind of question his wizard skills there.
HARRY POTTER: He's in trouble. Up at the school, there have been attacks. They think it's Hagrid. They think he opened the Chamber of Secrets. Like before.
ARAGOG: That's a lie. Hagrid never opened the Chamber of Secrets.
Aragog spills the beans about the Chamber of Secrets. Hagrid was framed and there's a different deadly and horrifying monster lurking in the castle. Oh goody.
RON WEASLEY: If Hagrid ever gets out of Azkaban, I'll kill him. I mean, what was the point of sending us in there? What have we found out?
HARRY POTTER: We know one thing. Hagrid never opened the Chamber of Secrets. He was innocent.
Hagrid's finally proven his innocence by sending two children to get testimony from a terrifying spider. Next time, try just writing a note, Hagrid.
GILDEROY LOCKHART: So sorry. Dozed off. What have I missed?
PROFESSOR SNAPE: A girl has been snatched by the monster, Lockhart. Your moment has come at last.
GILDEROY LOCKHART: My moment?
PROFESSOR SNAPE: Weren't you saying just last night that you've known all along where the entrance to the Chamber of Secrets is?
PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL: That's settled. We'll leave you to deal with the monster, Gilderoy. Your skills, after all, are legend.
GILDEROY LOCKHART: Very well. I'll just be in my office getting... getting ready.
Lockhart's moment has come! At last he can find the Chamber of Secrets and battle the monster. We get the feeling that the Hogwarts teachers are loving the fact that they finally get to subtlety call him out on his lies (and get rid of him) while they attend to more pressing matters. Too bad Harry and Ron don't realize #sarcasm when they hear it.
ALBUS DUMBLEDORE: Curiously, Lucius, several of them were under the impression that you would curse their family if they did not agree to suspend me in the first place.
LUCIUS MALFOY: How dare you!
ALBUS DUMBLEDORE: Beg your pardon?
LUCIUS MALFOY: My sole concern has always been and will always be the welfare of this school and, of course, its students.
Sorry, we thought Lucius Malfoy might have choked on that lie. We're guessing he's not super concerned with Hogwarts or the kids that go to school there. He's mostly looking to make sure that his evil plans come true. He's the worst.