Foolishness and Folly
DIANE: The Morrisons have got one that can do that in eight seconds. Block of ice to beef bourguignon in eight seconds. Lucky things.
There are a lot of ripe idiots running around in this movie, but none are riper than Kevin's parents, whose goal in life seems to be to collect newer and increasingly elaborate kitchen appliances. Reach for the stars, you two.
GAME SHOW HOST: Oh, dear me, Beryl. Now, all I want to know...is what famous film star begins with "C"? Do you understand the question, my darling?
Time Bandits points the finger at television as well. Take a look at the stupidest game show we've ever seen, for example. Does this thing even have rules?
NAPOLEON: Little things hitting each other. THAT'S WHAT I LIKE!
This man brought Europe to its knees, ruled over an empire as powerful as any on earth...and all he wants is a Punch and Judy show. Sometimes powerful men can be quite stupid.
RANDALL: Do you want to be leader of this gang?
STRUTTER: No, we agreed. No leader!
RANDALL: Right. So shut up and do as I say.
The dwarves never quite get their act together, and Randall sort of becomes Moe to the rest of the Three Stooges. He's the guy who thinks he's the smart one and just assumes they'll all fall in line, which kind of makes him the biggest idiot of the bunch.
ROBIN HOOD: And you're a robber, too. How long have you been a robber?
STRUTTER: Four foot one.
ROBIN HOOD: Good lord! Jolly good! Four foot one? Well, th-th-th-that is a long time, isn't it?
Robin Hood is intended as a poke at British royalty, the ones who go out and shake the hands of coal miners and factory workers and ask dithering questions that no normal person would ask. It's awkward and phony, and anyone who participates in it would have to be some kind of moron…
ROBIN HOOD: Jolly good. What's your name?
KEVIN: Uh, Ke—
ROBIN HOOD: Ke. What a jolly nice name.
Yep, he's not too bright, this one. Again, like Randall, you get the sense that the guy in charge is a pretty dim bulb himself.
EVIL: Now we must bait the hook, see if they bite...and pull them in. Stand by for mind control.
Oh, they're gonna bite. Greed, it seems, is one of the hallmarks of being a fool in this flick. Can't say we disagree…
VINCENT: You've ruined everything! Pansy! Pansy, I can explain! It's only the thing on my nose and the hairpiece! Everything else is fine!
With Vincent on the Titanic, there's a very straightforward question: is Vincent an idiot because he lies to the woman he loves, or is he an idiot simply for being in love? Frankly, it could be both.
RANDALL: I've got something to say to you, Kevin.
KEVIN: Go away.
RANDALL: It's about the map.
KEVIN: The map? I don't understand you, Randall. You've got something really brilliant like that, and you're just wasting it.
RANDALL: I wouldn't call this exactly "wasting" it.
Actually, Randall, you are so wasting it. How about heading into the future? Or back to see the Constitution being framed? Champagne and caviar are pretty small potatoes compared to that.
EVIL: Robert, we must plan a new world together. This time, we'll start it properly. Tell me about computers.
ROBERT: Uh, a computer is an automatic electronic apparatus for making calculations or controlling operations that are expressible in numerical or logical terms...
Not even Evil is immune from the skewering Time Bandits gives to most of its characters. He has the same addiction to technology that Kevin's parents do...only this time with limitless power on his side.
