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Flaxen, waxen, long beautiful hair—if these gods have nothing else going for them, at least they've got their hair. Their beards, or their manes, always leave the boys and girls wishing for more. Though if anybody saw the shampoo and conditioner bills, maybe they’d think Serapis and the other club captains aren't so lucky after all. Just ask Isis, who’s no baldy herself….
When the Ptolemies got together and made Serapis, they borrowed Hades’s wild beard. Thankfully, hair grows back in the Greco-Roman underworld, so these days, both gods sport matching mustaches, and most of the time, they look like somebody glued a mop to their chins. Talk about shaggy! Hades must be where combs and shears go to die.
You might not think Serapis’s Egyptian brother deserves to be in this club, considering he’s all bald on top—but below his chin, Ptah usually wears the coolest-looking, curvy, ribbon-braided goatee ever. But shh, don’t tell. Ptah’s hoping his skill as a lord of artisans will carry off the deception: The truth is that his beautiful beard is fake.
Who needs beards when you have a head full of snakes? We’re not talking about snakes for hats or snakes sitting on top of your head; thanks to Athena’s curse, our Greek friend Medusa has snakes instead of hair. Of course, the only reason we know that Medusa has snakes for hair is because we saw it in the shiny surface of a locker as she walked by. Everybody who looks at her directly? Gets turned to stone. Talk about harsh!