Aphrodite, the goddess of love, beauty, and sex, can have any god or man that she desires. Yet she ends up alone, with no one she truly loves at all. You might think that leaves no hope for us mere mortals. But maybe it just means that you need to be average to find the extraordinary? Yeah, let's go with that.
Yeah, my fam is kinda messed up.
Afterwards, a divine foam rose from the waters, giving birth to yours truly.
Some say my name even means “born from foam.”
Others take this to mean that I’m a total bubble brain, but it’s just not true.
Just because I’m ridiculously hot doesn’t mean I’m stupid.
Just because gods and mortals alike worship all this hotness, and I don’t mind...
you know...rewarding their worship, doesn’t mean that I’m a bad person.
I’ve gotten beau coups of bad press over the years for the many many
times I’ve cheated on my husband, Hephaestus <<huh-FEST-iss>>.
But, really, can you blame me?
Have you seen what he looks like?
Maybe you think it’s shallow for me to say that, but I’m the goddess of beauty.
If I’m not concerned with good looks, who will be?
It’s kinda my job.
I tried with the Heph monster, but it’s a no-go.
Yeah, he still blows his top when he hears about my various liaisons.
Everybody knows about that time he caught Ares, the war god, and me in that stupid golden
net of his and tried to shame us by showing the other gods.
What was he trying to prove exactly?
That marrying the goddess of sex and expecting her to be faithful was an idiotic plan?
Point proven, Hephy. Good job.
Ares and I have been carrying on for years, despite what Hephaestus or anybody else thinks.
We’ve even had a ton of kids together. Hard to believe with this body, right?
Our most famous kid is probably Eros, aka Cupid, who gets even more props than me on Valentine’s day.
The Olympian child services got on us for letting him fly around causing havoc with his love-inducing arrows.
But I was like, “I love love,” and Ares was like, “I love havoc,”
and we told those narrow minded social workers to buzz off.
Anyway, you want to know the sad thing about steamy affairs?
In the end, even they run out of steam.
I’d meet up with Ares, and he’d be going on and on about some new war he started.
How many times can a girl hear about horrible bloodshed before it all starts to sound the same?
That’s when I spied a beautiful hunter named Adonis <<uh-DON-iss>>.
I’m not afraid to admit to you guys, the moment I saw Adonis was the first time I really
knew what love was. Some say Eros grazed me with one his arrows, and that’s why I fell
so hard, but I think it was more than that. That mortal was so handsome, so perfect, so good.
His only flaw was that he was super into hunting.
I’d be like, “Let’s go get a couples massage,” and he’d be like,
“Oooor we could go shoot some wild animals and skin them.”
Usually, I tell men to do stuff, and they just...like...do it.
But I was so into him that I actually let his impertinence slide.
I loved Adonis so much I even dressed up in hunting clothes to try and impress him.
It turns out that I should have put my foot down, though.
One day, Adonis met his match when a wild boar did him in.
I have a strong suspicion that boar was Ares in disguise, but I’ve never been sure...
And if that’s true it means it was all my fault...and I...I...I’m sorry.
It’s hard to even talk about this.
I was so sad when I found his body.
He was gone, and even though I was a goddess there was nothing I could do.
In honor of him, I took some of his blood and turned it into the bright red flower known as the anemone.
And now every time I smell one of these flowers, I ask...
Why is it so hard for the goddess of love to find true love for herself?