If you ever crush on someone so hard that their dad turns them into a tree to escape your attention…maybe it's time to reevaluate your flirting technique. Just a suggestion.
I’m sure you’re thinking… how could Apollo be so lovesick?
He’s one of the most popular gods.
Not only is he the god of light...
...he’s the god of music and prophecy.
He’s got everything going for him.
What girl…mortal or immortal… would ever say no to him?
Well, folks, the sad fact is that the girl I love is no girl at all.
I’m actually in love with this tree.
OK, that probably sounded weird. Allow me to explain....
This laurel tree was once a beautiful nymph named Daphne <<DAFF-knee>>.
She was the daughter of the river god Peneus <<puh-KNEE-iss>>,
and she lived a perfect life with her dad and sister nymphs.
Her life was perfect… at least until I came along.
See, I used to be pretty full of myself.
I had reason to be.
But too much pride can bring anybody down.
Even a god.
It all turned bad for me on the day I slew the vicious Python.
I can’t say I feel bad for killing that thing, even if it was an endangered species.
After all, it had tried to eat my mother while she was pregnant
with my twin sister Artemis <<AR-tuh-miss>> and me.
Afterwards, I ran into Cupid and started bragging how awesome a bowman I was,
and that I was better than him...yada yada yada…
Suffice it to say, Cupid did not take it well.
To get me back, he struck me with one of his golden arrows,
cursing me to fall in love with the next person I saw.
As I’m sure you’ve already guessed, the next person I saw was the gorgeous Daphne.
You might be thinking, what’s so bad about falling in love with a beautiful nymph?
You ever watch The Bachelor?
The thing is that Cupid also struck Daphne with a lead-tipped arrow
that made her never want to love anybody at all.
Next thing I know, I’m chasing her through the woods like a major creeper.
It was crazy. One moment I was on top of the world, and the next I’m a stalker extraordinaire.
Poor Daphne was terrified and called out to her father, begging for help.
For some unknown reason, Peneus decided the only way to help
his daughter was to turn her into a laurel tree.
I felt super bad about everything, and I did what I could to make it better.
I used my godly powers to make the laurel forever green.
To remember her, I always wear a wreath of laurel leaves in my hair.
It’s just not enough, though, guys. This laurel wreath can never replace her.
Even though she’s made of wood, my heart still beats for her.
If only Peneus had turned my heart into wood as well…