Careers: Celebrity PA

with the cast of stranger things to be cast as a superhero in a future Avengers [Image of the Avengers superheroes]

movie not to be one of people's 50 most beautiful people to win one of those

glorified participation trophies to direct to produce to produce a boat load [kid holding a participation trophy on stage]

of dough to be a movie star seriously that's your life goal to dress up and

play make-believe casting our judginess aside we'll just dive into reality so [girl diving into a pool]

here is your reality you become Kristen Stewart's personal assistant awesome!

You've been a fan girl since Twilight only being her assistant isn't quite what you

imagined it's not you and Kristen hanging out all the time BFFs well she [girl jumping up and down at Kristen Stewart]

treats you like an indentured servant she's on a power trip orders you to pick

up chipotle all the time. You deliver it and she changes her mind now she just wants

a sesame seed bagel so you run to the nearest delhi pick up a sesame bagel [girl running to pick up a sesame seed bagel from the delicatessen]

bring it to her and she says I asked for a plain bagel. Okay, well she didn't but

this is Christen Stewart she's like a goddess or whatever so you don't argue [girl holding a sesame seed bagel to Kristen Stewart]

you suck it up sorry Kristen okay you go a plain bagel now I'm starving

need to learn your lesson pick all the sesame seeds off this one so there you [Kristen Stewart telling the girl to pick all sesame seeds off the bagel]

are crouched over a trash can picking sesame seeds off a bagel one by one

but small price to pay because you're in Hollywood and it's what you've dreamed [the Hollywood sign]

about all your short little life you'd do anything just to be in or near the

spotlight only when you're with Kristen well people don't look at you like [Kristen Stewart on stage with flashing lights]

you're a celebrity and look at you with pity or disgust they're willing to be

someone's lackey just so they can kiss the hem of some starlets skirt that's [girl attempting to kiss the hem of someones skirt]

what you do to anyone who even cares Kristen's the one with a shred of talent

well she may not be but she's kind of a somebody you're the

opposite just her troll ish whipping girl along for the ride and you're [a troll moving along in a cart]

starting to feel like you did in high school when you were bullied and

ridiculed for fawning over Becca Johnson it was Becca who became homecoming queen [Becca Johnson crowned homecoming queen]

not you, no you were in charge of sweeping all the streamers off the gym

floor while everyone with an actual date went home but no matter things might [girl sweeping the streamers off the dance floor]

suck, you might be at Kristen's beck and call for now having to submit her every

childish whim scraping dog crap off her shoes and reorganizing the books on her [girl re-arranging books on a bookshelf]

bookshelves according to color but she is your ticket in. Knowing a big star

personally is going to open doors for you right yeah right, the door to the

county jail the door to the rehab clinic the door to Dr. Phil's office not the [Doors opening to the rehab clinic and Dr Phils office]

doors Hollywood why, well because Kristen likes you right where you are on call

for her she's never going to quote "put you in touch with her agent" unquote as she

promised or talk about you glowingly at any casting directors or even give you [girl thinking that one day she'll be a star]

that time to get away for auditions yep to that open call for the next Avengers

movie has rolled around one of the items on your bucket list it's gone you can't [girl dressed as a superhero]

go Kristen needs you to look in on her grandmother the nursing home so you can

help change her colostomy bag you're famous employer is going to do whatever

she can to make sure you continue to wallow in obscurity why no because you [Kristen Stewart on stage with fans raising their hands in the air]

can't lose you because then she'd have to deal with the hassle of finding a

replacement and why bother when she already has someone so docile so passive

[jellyfish in the water] so pliable so spineless yeah so ten years have gone by in a blink Kristen is

now has been wisely married a plastic surgeon in her heyday back when she had

her original nose well as for you well you got to produce xXmen 14 host your [X-Men 14 movie poster]

own talk show and be elected to Congress oh wait no that was your friend who went

to law school and ran the LBO of the studio you didn't do any of that instead

you became an expert at bagel seed picking shoe tying and sadly colostomy [girl picking seeds off a bagel]

bag repair so you ended up not even a has been but never was and not only did

you never get a chance to take a crack at whatever your dreams were because [girl thinking about her dreams up in smoke]

Kristen never allowed you the time to get away well she no longer has a need

nor the money for a personal assistant so if you're out of a job

you finally got the time and freedom to pursue your acting career because now you're 30

which for an actress starting out in Hollywood is like 75 in normal people [girl on stage and an older version of the girl walks on stage too]

years you're tired and haggard and burned out you don't have the drive you once did

and you realize that Hollywood was just another dumb dreams you have when you're [fast forward footage of a car driving]

a teenager well what happened the dreams of like being an astronaut or a cowboy

or a ninja turtle well you decide to take your life in another direction now [ninja turtles in an elevator]

but you have a two-year junior college degree maybe if you were academically

diligent there you have no real skills robots haven't replaced and yeah being

able to pick individual dog hairs off someone's designer jacket doesn't count [girl picking dog hairs off somebody's designer jacket]

and robots will do that soon too so what do you do well you wait tables you

answer phones until the google phone bot replaces you and you starve well instead of [google phone bot appears on the girls desk]

working toward an actual career you've doomed yourself to an endless string of

jobs until you get old fall over and die because God knows you'll never have

enough of a nest egg to retire yeah you're going to be one of those grey [a small nest with an egg in a persons palms]

haired women at Denny's angrily asking customers if they want any maple syrup

for those pancakes that's your life not the glitz not the glamour not the [angry older woman asking customer for maple syrup]

popping the flashbulbs not the signing of autographs Denny's and death kind of

tough to tell the difference do you think can you even make money being a

celeb PA the average PA in Hollywood makes well 80 grand a year which isn't [celebrity assistant salary]

chicken feed but you're in Hollywood so 80 grand basically pays for your

electricity your car insurance and a year's worth of mani-pedis until you get [fish nibbling on a persons feet]

fired and have to live on whatever savings you have and besides when do you

have time to spend any of that hard-earned cash you're too busy driving

bumper-to-bumper traffic from Malibu tanglewood to pick up some weirdos dry [very heavy traffic]

cleaning or water their lawn or to check in on their pet Bengal tiger and that's

assuming you even get the PA gig there's lots of competition for those jobs in [lots of people cuing]

lala land so even if you win the PA lottery well you're still going to be

tired and frustrated and not famous so maybe ask yourself what kind of life you

want to have you want to do something significant or do you want to carry [firemen tackling a fire]

wardrobe bags for someone who's doing something you know pretty much

insignificant if you're having trouble making that call well you're Denny's

destiny is looming and yeah we will have a syrup [man sat in Denny's asking for syrup]

hey hey you