The Bible: 2 Kings

the death of King Ahab followed by the very brief reign of his son Ahaziah

seriously very brief I've had bathroom visits that lasted longer yeah well the

prophet Elijah predicts that Ahaziah won't last long and yep Elijah nails it

Ahaziah falls off his lattice and never recovers from his injuries maybe [Ahaziah falls off lattice]

we should have Elijah pick out a lotto numbers with us anyway after Ahaziah's

death God decides to take Ellijah straight to heaven he ascends in a fiery

chariot which probably urked everyone else ascending to heaven in like you

know regular chariots or donkeys before Elijah makes his flashy exit he

anoints Elisha as the new prophet well Elisha starts doing some pretty cool [Cecil discussing Elisha as prophet]

things as the new prophet he helps out the Israelite armies feeds the hungry

and even brings a boy back from the dead so cool creepy take your pick

which is it oh and there's that little incident where a group of boys makes fun

of him but Elisha totally keeps his cool he does what any guy who's totally good [Elisha walking in a field alone]

at keeping his cool does and super casually summons two bears who calmly

Maul and kill forty-two of the boys, it's not like he kills all of them that's restraint

right there but even though he continues helping the Israelites win battles

performing miracles and training bears in his spare time he can't stop the

disaster that the Israelites are heading for someone calls Celine Dion or gonna [Celine Dion appears by ship]

need a soundtrack for this see right now the Promised Land is split into two

kingdoms Judah in the south and Israel in the north both are having some

trouble following God although Judas kings are doing a little better up north [God discussing Israel]

though you know things are pretty bad almost every king is worshiping multiple

gods like Ba'al, Moloch and Wilson from castaway and that thing they're even

worshiping sacred poles but it's not every king who decides pole worshipping

is a solid plan throughout the course of the book good Kings do come into power

but they're always succeeded by a bad king who undoes all of their good work

well as you might imagine God is not a big fan of his chosen people worshiping

other gods volleyballs or poles so what does that

mean simple the Israelites are headed for a fall the Northern Kingdom of [Double Rainbow appears]

Israel is destroyed by Assyria and as people are exiled

however Judah is still intact down south well during this time a king named

Hezekiah begins ruling in Judah and is like okay God I can take a hint he [Hezekiah riding a horse in Judah]

destroys all the high places sacred poles magic volleyballs and

altars to false gods okay so one of those things isn't necessarily true but

you know he doesn't destroy the volleyball how else would it eventually

go on to star opposite tom hanks all right but all this destruction doesn't

stop the Assyrians they come knocking and unlike the Friendly Girl Scouts [Door knocks]

whose only nefarious purpose is to destroy your waistline they're not so

kind they want the entire kingdom of Judah and they also want you to buy a

few boxes of Thin Mints if they sell the most for their troop they get to go to

Space Camp the Assyrian King brags about all the other gods he's conquered and

all the cookies he's sold and says that the god of the Israelites will be no

different well luckily for the kingdom of Judah Hezekiah has been a pious King [Hezekiah on a horse and Israelites surround him]

and he asked the prophet Isaiah and God for help God is like I got this but

maybe ordered me a box or two of thinmints first I love those things so in the

middle of the night the angel of destruction comes and kills 185 thousand

Assyrian soldiers and buys two boxes of Thin Mints pretty much ending the threat

I'm gonna skip past the rest of hezekiah reign and meet him again on his

deathbed because I like to keep things cheerful and uplifting on shmoop in the bible

Hezekiah is about to die but before he does God's like by the way the [Hezekiah on his death bed and God appears]

Babylonians are going to destroy your kingdom because all those kings before

you were the pits but don't worry they're gonna wait until you die because

while you were super great so yeah maybe hallmark sympathy card writer isn't a

viable career option for God but oh well can't do everything anyway Hezekiah dies

and of course his son is a terrible king he rebuilds all the high places and

sacred poles reinflates all the volleyballs and starts worshipping

different gods like really did you not just see the angel of destruction

anyway two kings later comes Josiah well Josiah finds the book of law which is [Josiah looking through a box]

probably Deuteronomy and is like oops we're totally not following any of this

though Josiah goes on a spree destroying the high places and sacred poles

deflating the volleyball and killing wizards and false prophets and getting a [Josiah killing a wizard]

bit of deja vu here how about you so Josiah goes on a spree destroying the

high places and sacred poles deflating the volleyballs and killing wizards and

false prophets all right want to take a guess at what the next king does bingo

goes back to the polytheistic worshiping but this time gods like nope this is [God sitting in his office]

getting old real fast this ends now while enter King Nebuchadnezzar of

babylon with a big ol army he loots jerusalem and burns down the temple yeah [Nebuchadnezzar looting Jerusalem]

The people that aren't taken to Babylon flee to Egypt and the

kingdom of Judah is an empty shell of what it once was so there you have it

the destruction of the temple in the kingdoms of Israel and Judah all because

they wanted to worship some sacred poles instead of God and that's it for the

second book of Kings do the Israelites ever get home? does God forgive them?

does God like putting thin mints in the freezer as much as I do? well two of

those questions will be answered in the next Shmoop in the Bible now if you'd

excuse me I have an odd urge to watch cast away and eat Thin Mints until next [Cecil watching Cast Away with boxes of Thin Mints]

time I'm Cecil B DeShmoop...Out.