The Bible: Genesis, Part 2
You've been warned, Jerry. You've been warned.
of the story, don't eat fruit. But try telling my heart doctor that you know..
Alrighty let's jump back in with the story of Babel which is basically a
bunch of people coming together in the Valley of Shinar to create the first
civilization. Under one language they built a tower that reaches the heavens. [People working on a tower]
Yeah, take that NASA! God sees what's happening and is like whoa, whoa, whoa
guys this is my territory, can't have you doing this. Here's what's gonna happen.
I'm going to confuse your language and scatter you so you don't get this close [Two builders try to talk in different languages]
to my place again we need to define our boundaries and no you can't keep a tooth
brush here. So if you've ever been lost in a foreign country and tried to get
directions only to have someone call the cops on you and you end up spending the
night behind bars in Amsterdam, well.. now you know why. Not that I'm speaking from [Cecil in a cell with prisoners]
experience... yeah. So we've reviewed the creation of humanity and civilization
what next what next, aha yes, Israel's creation story well Abram and his wife
Sarai are Egypt bound to avoid famine. Good idea guys.. Well before they arrive [Abram and Sarai in a horse and cart]
Abram and Sarai agree to tell the Egyptians that Sarai is his sister. Why?
Well turns out Sarai is basically a supermodel and Abram knows that the
Egyptians will kill him to get to her. So they headed into Egypt disguised as
siblings and what do you know it works out. Pharaoh was quite taken with Sarai
and accepts both her and her brother into his court all is going well until God [Pharaoh shows a particular liking to Sarai]
sends a few pesky plagues Egypt's way. Somehow Pharaoh connects Abram and Sarai
to these plagues and he gives them the boot so much like Willie Nelson they're
on the road again! On the road again.. so let's be honest they're
probably a little more alert than Willie. Coming along for the ride is Abram's [Willie Nelson laid on the back of a horse]
nephew, Lot and all their bickering servants. They bicker so much that they
eventually force them to split ways and split land well Lot chooses Sodom, Abram
takes Kenan. Long story short, Lot didn't choose wisely, bad luck. Abram makes a
covenant with God who says you're Abraham now your wife is Sarah now and [God changes their name badges]
you'll have a boy call him Isaac oh and I don't know invent circumcision or
something see ya. I'd imagine Abraham face looked something like this. Back [Abraham looks shocked]
inside and Lot's neighbors are rapists and sex addicts which makes my neighbor
look like a saint even if he still hasn't returned my game of thrones box
set. Jerry, hmm? Anyway God's like this place is the worst so I'm gonna nuke it
good? Good. And he tells a lot to leave and not look back well Lot's wife must [God holding a bomb with a timer]
have missed the memo. She kept telling Lot to stick memos on the fridge but did
he ever remember? Of course not, so she ends up looking back and turns into a
pillar of salt why well maybe as punishment for secretly wanting that way of life
maybe she was just checking to see if she turned the stove off and saw God [Sarai turns back and sees God dancing]
that's not super clear. No matter the reason lot never had to buy salt for his
popcorn again, you know hey waste not want not. Anyway back to Abraham and
Sarah, in what might be one of my least favorite biblical turns of event 90 year
old Sarah gives birth to Isaac. 90 years old think about that people. I mean come
on you should have one foot in the grave not two in the stirrups. Ya know what we
mean there. Anyway, some time passes and Abraham sends a servant to get Isaac [The Sun rises and Abraham's servant leaves]
a wife. He returns with Rebecca, well Abe and Sarah die after living good long
lives, full of way too much childbirth for one of them, and Isaac and Rebecca
wed and have twins Esau and Jacob and I keep narrating this seemingly
never-ending video. On to Jacob well Jacob's biblical highlight-reel includes a
trippy dream while traveling to find a wife, he has a vision of a ladder.
Remeber Jacob's Ladder? A stairway to heaven if you will,
was Led Zep around back then? Maybe.. He sees messengers of God going up and down the [Jacob dreams of a ladder and flying Led Zep members]
stairway then he hears God say "Kenan will be yours" And so it comes to pass.
I'm really glad my dreams don't come true or that would be way too much slow motion
running away from clowns for my taste. Anyway Jacob renames Kenan Bethel, which [Cecil running away from clowns with balloons]
means house of God well gods like, I want to rename things too, and he re dubs
Jacob, Israel and now our story shifts to Jacobs favorite son Joseph and honestly
there's a whole musical about this featuring a long-haired Donny Osmond.
Not sure if I can top that so no hard feelings if you stop the video now. No? Alright..
Well so Joe's brothers are super jealous that he's the favorite and prank him by
stealing his coat and selling him to some dudes headed for Egypt. Kinda like a slave.. [Josephs brothers try to sell him and offer a 'I Love Mom' mug as part of the deal]
Prank him yeah.. Pretty sure that's actually just illegal, but you know boys will be boys.
Anyway they dipped Joe's coat in blood and show it to Jacob to convince
him that yep dear old Joe is dearly departed Joe. As for what actually
happened well they have him sold to the Pharaohs head bodyguard whose wife tries
to seduce him. Joes not having any part of it and she gets angry so she claims [Joseph backs away]
he tried to rape her even though Joe did no such thing it's off to jail for him but
here's the plot twist we've all been waiting for. Joe has prophetic dream so
the Pharaoh drops by to pay him a visit and is like, can you tell me what that
showing up to class naked dream means oh and can you take a crack at this one [Pharaoh stood naked in front of classmates]
while Joe listens to the dream patiently which is impressive enough as it is
nothing is more boring than someone telling you a long dream well you really
want is your game of thrones box set back, Jerry! Right well Joe tells
Pharaoh that Egypt will have seven years of abundance followed by seven
years of famine, he advises Egypt to get a manager for the impending food boom and doom.
Well Pharaoh was super impressed and gives Joseph a job working for him [Joseph by the Pharaoh's side]
though he would still like to know what that underwear dream means.
And wouldn't you know it famine hits. People come in need of food among those people
well Joseph's brothers who in another great plot twist don't recognize him, man
this could be an episode of scandal or something. So Joseph sees an opportunity [Cecil at the White House press room]
to get even he calls them spies and locks one up but then he's like "Nah, I'm just
kidding surprise it's me Joseph" and he lets them return home with food which
just proves Joseph might be the nicest tamest guy around they literally sold him
into slavery and he just goes "hey wouldn't it be funny if I pretended to [Joseph being sent to Egypt in a cage]
lock one of them up for a hot second and gave them food and money and even though
they basically left me for dead sent them home?" Yep seriously, nicest guy in the
world award. So Joseph is reunited with his brothers and his Pops and they're all
a happy family again and with that we can finally close the book on Genesis. Be
sure to join me next time when we check out Exodus, until then I'm Cecil B deShmoop
and I'm not as nice as Joseph, I'm getting that box set back Jerry. You [Cecil with a balaclava on about to break into a house]
You watch your back there..