The Bible: John
This is the part of the bible where Jesus has super alchemy powers and turns water to wine and stops people from getting stoned. You know, normal super hero stuff.
gospel? What, are they gonna split this into five movies?"
To which I say, I really enjoyed the eighth Harry Potter movie, or, as it's more commonly
known, Harry Potter and the Quest to Make as Much Money as Humanly Possible.
But! There actually is a reason we have John’s gospel. It's a little different than the others…and [John's gospel appears on a field]
no, not like "sucks rocks on the playground" kind of different. [Gospel's kicking rocks]
In John, Jesus doesn’t use parables to teach, opting instead to use "Hooked on Phonics".
He also doesn’t perform as many miracles, and there isn’t any mention of casting out
So…kind of like a filler episode of Supernatural. …Not that I watch that…or anything….ahem. [Supernatural fan appears]
Back to John.
Jesus doesn’t talk about the “Kingdom of God” as much. Instead, he talks about
himself a lot more. Which is valid. He did some cool things. [Jesus and God on a beach]
All I did yesterday was eat a bunch of cheese in my sweatpants. Which is also cool…in [Man eating cheese on the sofa]
its own way…
There are also a number of famous stories that only appear in John, but I won’t spoil
the surprise right now, just like––despite what my wife thinks––I won't spoil my
daughter's surprise sixteenth birthdaaaaa…..uh. Whoops. [Daughter runs away crying]
…Anyhoo. So the gospel of John begins with a guy named John the Baptist baptizing people
in the Jordan river. Appropriate name, right? Good thing he wasn't John the Cannibalist.
This would be a very different story. [John appears waving his arms]
So John makes it very clear that he isn’t the light from God. He's just some dude letting
everyone know that the actual light, a.k.a. Jesus, is coming.
And what do you know? Jesus shows up and John is like, “Hey, there he is.” [Jesus appear on stage]
And before you're like, "that doesn't seem super convincing," God actually told John
that Jesus was the Son of God. And he doesn't say that lightly...you wouldn't believe how
many times God's been dragged onto Maury. So you know it’s legit. [God appears on the Maury Show]
So Jesus gathers some disciples, and they all head to Cana for a wedding. It’s an
open bar, and unfortunately, they’ve run out of wine. [Man tips over wine jug]
Jesus’ mother Mary has been listening to all the other mom's brag about their kids,
and she's like, "you think Billy getting an A in math is cool? Check this out," and shakes
her glass at Jesus. [Mary shakes glass at Jesus]
Jesus is like, "seriously? Isn't there a blind guy who needs healing…?" And Mary is like,
"Jesus, don't embarrass me in front of my friends, just do the thing…"
So Jesus does his thing and turns six giant jars of water into high quality wine. Presumably, [Jesus transforms water into wine]
Billy's mom never bragged again. This is one of those miracles that only appears
in John, and it kicks off Jesus’ life of teaching, miracle working, and getting the
Jewish authorities all riled up.
The high priests and authorities on Jewish law really don’t like Jesus, mostly because
he once picked them last for his kickball team, but also because he’s constantly schooling [Jesus picking high priests for kickball team]
them on scripture and exposing them as hypocrites. More on that later.
In the meantime, here's another famous story that only appears in John. [Cecil stood by a fireplace]
Jesus is in the temple one day, when a woman is brought in. She's been caught committing
adultery. The punishment? Being stoned to death. [People throwing stones at a woman]
Yeah, pretty harsh…but Jewish law was a little tougher on the women.
All the guy had to do was say, "uh…sorry…?" and everyone was like, "he's repented, he's
full of regret, he is forgiven! Quick, somebody throw him a parade!"
Anyway, the crowd wants to stone this woman, because they were bored and HBO was expensive, [Crowd shouting to stone the woman]
but then, Jesus drops this bombshell:
“Let anyone among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her."
The crowd is like, "this would've never have happened on Game of Thrones," but they drop
their rocks and disperse, and Jesus tells the woman to go on her way and to not sin
So Jesus kept going about, doing his thing, when one day, he gets word that his pal Lazarus [Jesus playing guitar]
is sick. Jesus jumps into action and heads for his home…a full two days after getting
…What? He had to catch up on Game of Thrones. [Jesus watching Game of Thrones]
And wouldn't you know it, that's just enough time for Lazarus to pass away.
Cue the sad music. Lazarus has been dead for four days when Jesus [Lazarus dies]
arrives. When he gets there, he's like, “open up that tomb, for Lazarus is alive.”
Everyone was probably like, "uh…no thanks, man, we've seen The Walking Dead, we know
how that ends…"
And Jesus is like, "What? No, just trust me on this. If I'm wrong, you can use my HBO
subscription, okay?" and everyone is like, "well, why didn't you lead with that? Open
up that tomb!"
And wouldn't you know it, Lazarus walks out, alive and well. [Lazarus appears from the tomb]
For the most part, everyone is pretty happy and amazed and what have you, but there was
definitely some disappointment…'cause…c'mon, HBO is $15 a month.
Anyway…understandably, Jesus’ popularity is skyrocketing, and the high priests are
like, "we gotta kill this guy before he gets anymore popular…" [High priests plotting to kill Jesus]
So…probably not a great time to be prom king and queen…
So Jesus heads to Jerusalem for Passover, and he’s welcomed into the city by people [Jesus riding donkey]
waving palm fronds.
Hopefully someone was like, "didn't the guy who committed adultery get a parade?"
…Okay, fine, the parade part might have been made up. Grain of salt.
Anyway, Jesus knows the palm fronds are going to be the highlight of his trip.
…hopefully he made a note of that in his Yelp review. [Jesus trip to Bethlehem Yelp review appears]
But why does Jesus know that? Because he also knows that one of his twelve disciples is
about to betray him.
Yup, I'm talking about Judas.
At dinner, Jesus is like, "et tu, Brute?" and Judas is like, "seriously? My name is [Judas stands up at dinner table]
Judas!" and then storms off to do the actual betraying.
Once Judas has betrayed Jesus to the Jewish authorities, they arrest him.
Jesus is like, "one second, let me just add this to my Yelp review…….…okay, cool, [Authorities arresting Jesus and Jesus pulls out phone]
let's go." But before he goes, he tells all his disciples, "guys, be chill, don't get
angry, and don't fight anyone, okay?"
And they're all like, "yup, got it, don't fight anyone," and Peter is like, "yup, got
it, cut off this soldier's ear." [Peter holding soldiers ear]
Jesus is like, "are you kidding me? Dude, what'd I just say?"
And Peter turns to the soldier and is like, "I don't know, did you hear what he just said?"
and Jesus is like, "No. I mean…decent joke, but no fighting!"
So he's taken to the Roman governor of Judea, Pontius Pilate..
He doesn’t really think Jesus is guilty of anything, but the religious authorities [Pontius Pilate appears]
are like, "this guy is dangerous…like…what's next, prom king??" and they demand his crucifixion.
Pilate basically shrugs and says fine. Maybe he was trying to catch up on Game of Thrones [Pontius watching Game of Thrones]
and that's why he made such a bad call. Let's believe that.
Jesus is crucified and buried in a new tomb. Three days later, Mary Magdalene heads to [Stone covers tomb entrance]
the tomb and finds it empty. She spreads the word, and let’s everyone
know that Jesus is back. [Mary puts up Jesus found poster]
Everyone is like, "y'all gotta stop watching The Walking Dead."
Anyway, the apostles have locked themselves in a room, because they’re understandably
frightened of what might happen to them, and because Jesus said it was chill for them to [Apostles locked in a room]
use his HBO account.
But then, Jesus shows up and breathes the power of the Holy Spirit on them. Let's hope [Spirit comes out of Jesus' mouth]
he used some mouthwash first…I get some pretty gnarly morning breath. I hate to think
what "three days in a tomb" breath would smell like.
The only apostle who isn't around when Jesus stops by is Thomas. He doesn’t believe that
Jesus is back, and Jesus has to show himself a second time. [Thomas sat by tree and Jesus wearing clown mask jumps out]
Either that, or Thomas just ponied up and bought his own HBO account.
And that brings us to the end of John.
Now if you'd excuse me, I've got a few episodes of Game of Thrones to catch up on. [Cecil sits on throne]
…Anyone want to lend me their HBO account?