The Bible: Ruth
are forced to move to Moab after a famine hits Bethlehem.
While in Moab, the two sons find wives: Ruth and Orpah.
You might think this is where the “love” portion of the story begins, but
you would be so wrong.
Elimelech and his two sons actually die pretty quickly.
Seriously. This isn't Nicholas Sparks.
Anyway. Naomi decides to head back to Bethlehem. She figures she's been gone for ten years,
chances are the famine is over and there's at least a Taco Bell open, or something…
She tells her daughters-in-law to stay in Moab and find new husbands.
Orpah's okay with that idea, but Ruth says,
"Do not urge me to leave you or to return from following you.
For where you go I will go, and where you lodge I will lodge. Your people shall be my
people, and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there will I be buried.
May the Lord do so to me and more also if anything but death parts me from you."
Naomi's like, "Huh! Not gonna lie, that was intense and a little weird!"
"Yeah, I'm actually just coming along for a Crunchwrap Supreme."
So Ruth tags along in what is a completely accurate portrayal of a typical mother and
And luckily for Ruth and Naomi, the famine is over in Bethlehem, the Taco Bell is open
for business, and the barley harvest is just about to begin.
Since Ruth and Naomi are poor, they're allowed to glean grain from the leftover barley in
the fields, which basically means they got to take whatever was left after the real harvest.
So Ruth is out, gleaning away, when the owner of the field, Boaz
Boaz sees Ruth and is like, "she's kinda pretty," and he starts hooking her up with all kinds
of gleaning privileges.
He tells her she's welcome in his field, she can drink from the same water as the workers,
she’s allowed to take non-charity grain, and he'll even share his mild sauce for her burritos.
When Ruth comes back and tells Naomi about the guy who is totally crushing on her, Naomi's
like, "Hang on, Boaz? That dude is totally related to my dead husband!
That means he's obligated to marry you and has to provide for us!"
Ah, romance. You taking notes, Nicholas Sparks?
Ruth is like, "Okay, awesome, how do I go about marrying this guy?"
And Naomi's like, "You wanna know how to get any man you want? This is flawless. You ready
for this gem? Here we go……Creep into his house and lie down by his feet when he's sleeping.
….Boom. Nailed it."
And Ruth is like, "What?! No! That sounds like the opposite of what I want to do!"
But Naomi's pretty set on the idea, so Ruth's like "Ugh, fine…" and creeps into his house
and lies down by his feet.
Presumably, Boaz woke up and was like, "I knew sharing my mild sauce would work…"
and is pretty excited to marry her.
In a shocking soap-worthy turn of events, it seems that there is actually
another guy in town who has even closer ties to Ruth's in-laws than Boaz,
and he has fire sauce. Game changer.
Boaz decides to check this guy out, and when he comes back, he's like "Good news!
This guy just wants to buy some of Naomi's land, so if you give him that,
he'll renounce his claim on Ruth!"
So Naomi gives up the land and Boaz and Ruth finally get married.
Don't quote me on this, but I'm pretty sure Taco Bell catered their reception.
Boaz and Ruth have a son named Obed, possibly short for Tacobed, who has a son named Jesse.
As in Jesse, the father of David. As in King David. So you can see why this book is more
than just a Taco Bell-heavy love story.
And yeah, that's basically all you need to know about the Book of Ruth!
So just remember: the Book of Ruth? All about Taco Bell and creepy marriage proposals….
I may be paraphrasing.
But seriously, Sparks. This is gold.