Odysseus should have checked out How to Return Home from War for Dummies. Step One: Do not mess with the son of a god. Actually, no need to read on—this act will come back to haunt you for...oh, say, 10 years.
|Author||Homer - Homer|
Fate and Free Will
Justice and Judgement
Lies and Deceit
Tradition and Customs
However, my men and I were captured by a Cyclops.
Dude only had one eye so, once we put that out, it was pretty easy to get away from him.
But then I did something really, really stupid. I told him my name. Yelled it at him, actually,
in kind of a taunting way, as I sailed away on my ship. Did I mention that this was not
a smart thing to do?
Turns out that the Cyclops’ dad was Poseidon. He complained about my blinding him to his
pops, and Poseidon promptly cursed me to wander about on my ship for ten years. Oops.
A decade sailing around the ocean is a long time, but boy, did we meet some interesting
people on our trip. First, there was Aeolus<<ay-oh-liss>>, who was kind enough to give me a giant whoopee
cushion that could have blown me back to Ithaca.
Unfortunately, my idiot crew members sat on the thing while I slept.
Then we met some cannibals. That didn't end well.
Then, we met Circe<<sir-sea>>. Nice girl, but we got off on the wrong foot when she
turned half of my men into pigs.
Hermes, the god, not the luxury brand, gave me a drug that helped me resist Circe's wiles.
She ultimately agreed to turn my crew members back into men, if I would love her. Sounded
like a deal to me, but please don't tell Penelope. After a year spent chillin' with Circe, my
men and I sailed to the edge of the world...
...where I talked to lots of dead people...
...and what did my dead mom tell me but that my house at Ithaca had been overrun by men
who were eating my food, spending my money, and trying to marry my wife. Time to get home,
you say? I couldn't have agreed more. Problem was, I couldn't get home. First there
were the Sirens...
...and then Scylla<<sill-uh>> took a bite out of my crew...
...and then there was a shipwreck, and everyone died but me...
...and then I washed up on Calypso's island and she compelled me to be her boyfriend.
Again… please don't tell Penelope. After seven years with Calypso, the gods finally
orchestrated my escape. Of course, Poseidon, the big jerk, was still mad at me for what
I did to his one-eyed son, so he wrecked my raft.
A little help from a sea nymph got me to the island of the Phaeacians<<fay-she-ins>>, where
I revealed that I was the Trojan Horse guy. The Phaeacians then took me home to Ithaca.
Thanks to my dead mom, I knew I had dozens of sleazy suitors camped out in my house.
The goddess Athena disguised me as a beggar so I could get the lay of the land.
Then, while staying in my swineherd's hut, who should I meet but my son, Telemachus<<tell-uh-ma-kiss>>.
We shared a manly hug, then decided that the suitors had to go.
The next day, my wife had the suitors compete for her hand in an archery competition with
my old bow.
The man who could string the bow and shoot an arrow through a dozen ax heads would win
the competition and my wife. Of course, I took home the gold.
Then, my son and I...
...with an able assist from the household staff...
...killed all the suitors, and a few other people besides. It was like a Die Hard movie.
I revealed myself to my wife, but she didn't believe I was me until I told her that our
bed was made out of an olive tree with its roots still in the ground.
That's how my odyssey came to an end. Thanks for making me jump through all those hoops,
Homer. It was epic.