The Tell-tale Heart

I 'm just a perfectly sane guy trying to make the best of my circumstances. [Guy in prison uniform]

Shh!

…Do you hear something?

…Anyway, I know you're wondering how I got here. [Prison guard speaking to the man]

Well, you're in luck.

I've got some time to kill, so sit back, relax, and ignore that weird thumping noise…you

hear it too, right?

I was just a regular guy, living the bachelor lifestyle with an old man roommate…y'know, [Guy tries talking to a girl in a club and gets hit in the face with a mop]

pizza and Xbox by day, clipping Polident coupons by night…

Oh, don't get me wrong, the old guy wasn't bad. [Old guy with a glass eye]

Heck, I kind of liked him…except for this one little thing…

…Need eye say more?

I couldn't live knowing that thing was near me…

So I did what any sane, rational human being would do…I hatched a plan to murder him [Guy drawing up a plan]

A sane, rational plan.

So I treated the geezer real nice for a whole week.

Y'know…poured his prune juice, cleaned his dentures, the whole nine yards. [Guy holding dentures]

Then each night, I’d sneak into his room and shine a light in to his eye.

What, you think I’d kill an old man in his sleep? [Guy holding a torch on to the old guys eye]

That would be disrespectful.

On the eighth night, I crept into his room and opened his door oh-so carefully...

But when I pulled out my lantern, I made a noise, and woke him up. [Guy drops the torch on the floor]

I waited…and I waited…and eventually, I shined the light on his eye.

And whaddya know…the old man was awake, and finally, I saw it.

…hoo boy, did it set me off.

I charged in like a maniac.

…A fully sane, emotionally stable maniac. [Man looks angry and holds his fists up]

How did I do the deed?

Well…let’s just say I took pillow fights to a whole new level. [Man hitting the old man with a pillow]

Next I needed to confirm the old man was dead…

…so I could move on to part two of my plan.

It’s a little graphic, so let’s use a visual metaphor. [Workers butchering meat]

Hope you weren't eating chicken…

When I was done, the old fart was in old parts.

I pried open three planks of the floorboard to hide the remains. [Guy chucks a bin bag between the floor boards]

And I really thought I had gotten away with it…if it hadn't been for those meddling

neighbors.

See, someone heard the old man scream and called the police. [Policeman walks in]

"No big deal," I thought.

I’m a cool cucumber with a perfectly normal looking floor...no old man parts under these [Guy with 'no police allowed' sign over his floor]

boards, no, sir…

I just told them I had screamed in my sleep, the old man was out of town, and everything

was right as rain.

But, as you've probably guessed, that's not where the tale ends. [Man is dressed in a superhero costume]

It’s time I tell you about my superpower.

I basically have bionic hearing. [Man has large ears]

Seriously.

All my senses are incredibly heightened.

I can hear a baby blinking from two rooms away.

…That's perfectly normal, right? [Man walks into the babies room]

Babies just blink very loudly…

So while the cops and I were shooting the breeze, I started to hear this soft thumping

noise…and it kept getting progressively louder. [Man looks shocked]

I could barely focus on what I was saying, but the cops didn’t seem to notice.

But it kept getting louder…

…and louder…

…and louder…

Until I realized…it was the old man’s beating heart, pounding away from under my [Guy looks annoyed]

floorboards.

I thought I could get through the interview, but you try focusing when there's a dead man's

heart thumping under your feet.

I couldn’t take it any more.

I thought they were going to bust me on the spot.

I had to confess.

I dug up the floor to show them what I had done. [Guy pulls back the floorboards to reveal the bin bag]

My landlord was not going to be happy, that was the end of my deposit.

And now I’m here.

I did the crime, I’m doing the time.

All because of my stupid super-ears.

…I mean, the psychologist said it wasn’t the beating heart I was hearing, but rather, [Guy meeting with a psychologist]

a “manifestation of my guilt.”

I guess that’s one way to look at it.

All I know is that Celine Dion was onto something with that whole, "my heart will go on," thing… [Celine Dion performing]

(heartbeat noises).