Interview with Ammit
A Correspondence with Anubis
To: JackalHead@LordsoftheUnderworld.com
From: EatYourHeartOut@LordsoftheUnderworld.com
Subject: Quick refresher
Hey, Anubis. Can you give me a run-down of our procedures again? I drank so much date wine last night that it seems to have been drummed out of my head.
To: EatYourHeartOut@LordsoftheUnderworld.com
From: JackalHead@LordsoftheUnderworld.com
Subject: Re: Quick refresher
Here you go. If you can get this through your thick croc skull, what we do is called the Weighing of the Heart. It's described in the Book of the Dead—most people, especially rich ones, get copies of it put in their tombs with them. It's like a road map to the Underworld.
The Weighing is the last and biggest test of all. It doesn't matter if you've passed all of the previous ones with flying colors. If you're bad at heart (pun totally intended), we'll find out, and then you, dear Ammit, get to nom on the guilty person's heart.
The human begins by entering the chamber of the Hall of Two Truths, where his or her heart lies on a pair of scales. The heart contains all the good and bad things you do, so it's the perfect thing to use to test if you were really good or really evil.
The heat is weighed against Ma'at's Feather of Truth—as the goddess of justice and order, she's the supreme personification of good stuff, other than the pharaoh. If the heart weighs lighter than the feather, the person's good to go on to all the lovely things the Underworld has to offer. Then, Thoth jots down the good news and I get the person ready for the heavenly pleasures that await them around the very next corner.
If not… well, it's not a pretty sight. Thoth records whatever judgment is made and makes sure the scales are fairly weighted, while I stand watch and, you know, judge—and then you get to eat that bodily organ. Snack time!
Is this the info you needed?
To: JackalHead@LordsoftheUnderworld.com
From: EatYourHeartOut@LordsoftheUnderworld.com
Subject: Re: Re: Quick refresher
Yes, thank you! You have no idea how much I appreciate it. And I'll be on time for work tomorrow, I promise.
A Correspondence with Imhotep
To: DoctorDreamboat@NileMedicalGroup.com
From: EatYourHeartOut@LordsoftheUnderworld.com
Subject: Bellyache.
Imhotep, you have to help me—I've got a stomachache for the ages. What can you prescribe to make it vanish in a heartbeat?
From: DoctorDreamboat@NileMedicalGroup.com
To: EatYourHeartOut@LordsoftheUnderworld.com
Subject: Re: Bellyache.
Have you been eating hearts again? Ammit, that kind of meat isn't good for a stomach, even one made as strongly as yours is!
What do you think of these ideas? I could make you a poultice with dates, or mix a remedy that's one part honey, one part moringa oil, one part frankincense, one part wine, and then boil that into a paste and make you eat it. Or are you… backed up? Here are some more invasive remedies.
To: DoctorDreamboat@NileMedicalGroup.com
From: EatYourHeartOut@LordsoftheUnderworld.com
Subject: Re: Re: Bellyache.
The second one! That sounds good. No invasion.
From: DoctorDreamboat@NileMedicalGroup.com
To: EatYourHeartOut@LordsoftheUnderworld.com
Subject: How are you?
It's been a week, Ammit. How are you feeling?
To: DoctorDreamboat@NileMedicalGroup.com
From: EatYourHeartOut@LordsoftheUnderworld.com
Subject: Re: How are you?
Much better, thanks. I burped extra hearts right up and out.
From: DoctorDreamboat@NileMedicalGroup.com
To: EatYourHeartOut@LordsoftheUnderworld.com
Subject: Re: Re: How are you?
In the future, consider cooking them or something. Raw heart meat can't be good for anyone, not even you!
Or, perhaps, maybe a bit of ginger with them might help them go down easier. Either way, I'm glad you're feeling better.