Shmoop's crack team of P.I.'s hacked into Ares' email account to give you the inside scoop on the god of war.

A Correspondence with Zeus

To: zeusbolt@godsofolympus.com
From: ares_the_boss2@godsofolympus.com
Subject: Talk to me

Father,
I've called. I've texted. I've tried everything. Why won't you talk to me?
Your Son,
Ares

To: ares_the_boss2@godsofolympus.com
From: zeusbolt@godsofolympus.com
Re: Talk to me

Because you are loathsome and awful, and I'm ashamed that I ever brought you into the world.
-Z

To: zeusbolt@godsofolympus.com
From: ares_the_boss2@godsofolympus.com
Re: Talk to me

Father! How can you talk to me like that? Is there any wonder I'm so messed up?
Ares

A Correspondence with Aphrodite

To: aphroditeluv@godsofolympus.com
From: ares_the_boss2@godsofolympus.com
Re: I HATE YOU

Aphro,
I can't believe you're still ticked off at me about what happened to Adonis. That pretty boy totally had it coming.
Ares

To: ares_the_boss2@godsofolympus.com
From: aphroditeluv@godsofolympus.com
Re: I HATE YOU

Ares,
You turned yourself into a wild boar and stabbed him with your tusk!!!! I'll hate you forever. And stop calling me Aphro.
Aphrodite

To: aphroditeluv@godsofolympus.com
From: ares_the_boss2@godsofolympus.com
Re: I HATE YOU

Dite,
I couldn't stand seeing you together. How could you cheat on me with that loser? Now I know how your husband must feel. Ugh, I still remember the look on his face that day he caught us together in that golden net he made. Now, I'm walking around with the exact same look on my face. IT MAKES ME WANT TO DESTROY SOMETHING.
Ares

To: ares_the_boss2@godsofolympus.com
From: aphroditeluv@godsofolympus.com
Re: I HATE YOU

Ares,
Why are all gods so possessive? You ... Hephaestus ... I'm the goddess of love! I need to be free to be with whomever I want. I hate you. I'm taking your son away and you'll never see him again. Say goodbye to Eros!
Aphrodite
P.S. And don't call me Dite, either.

To: aphroditeluv@godsofolympus.com
From: ares_the_boss2@godsofolympus.com
Re: I HATE YOU

Aphrodite,
Yeah, OK. So, can I come over tonight or what?
Ares

To: ares_the_boss2@godsofolympus.com
From: aphroditeluv@godsofolympus.com
Re: I HATE YOU

Ares,
Well … Hephy is out of town ...
Aphrodite

A Correspondence with Athena

To: ares_the_boss2@godsofolympus.com
From: athena_the_wise@godsofolympus.com
Subject: A formal warning

Ares,
I'm writing to make you aware that I have a strong objection to the recent war you have incited. Once again, you have proven yourself to be a brutish god and a far inferior deity of war than I am. It is quite clear to everyone that you have begun this war only because of your love of bloodshed. Battles should only be fought when a peaceful solution is impossible, and preferably only in the cause of defense. I insist that you desist in this aggression immediately, or you will feel my wrath. Yes, Ares, I am normally an even-tempered goddess, but my anger isn't something you can afford to ignore.
-Athena

To: athena_the_wise@godsofolympus.com
From: ares_the_boss2@godsofolympus.com
Re: A formal warning

ATHENA,
BRING IT ON! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
ARES