Music sounds within. Enter Pandarus and Paris’s
Servingman. PANDARUS
Friend, you, pray you, a word. Do you not
follow the young Lord Paris? MAN
Ay, sir, when he goes before me. PANDARUS You depend upon him, I mean. MAN
Sir, I do depend upon the Lord. 5 PANDARUS
You depend upon a notable gentleman. I
must needs praise him. MAN
The Lord be praised! PANDARUS
You know me, do you not? MAN
Faith, sir, superficially. 10 PANDARUS
Friend, know me better. I am the Lord
Pandarus. MAN I hope I shall know your Honor better. PANDARUS
I do desire it. MAN
You are in the state of grace? 15 PANDARUS
Grace? Not so, friend. “Honor” and “Lordship”
are my titles. What music is this? MAN I do but partly know, sir. It is music in parts. PANDARUS
Know you the musicians? MAN
Wholly, sir. 20 PANDARUS
Who play they to? MAN To the hearers, sir. PANDARUS
At whose pleasure, friend? MAN At mine, sir, and theirs that love music. PANDARUS
Command, I mean, friend. 25 MAN
Who shall I command, sir? PANDARUS
Friend, we understand not one another. I
am too courtly and thou art too cunning. At whose
request do these men play? MAN That’s to ’t indeed, sir. Marry, sir, at the request of 30
Paris my lord, who is there in person; with him the
mortal Venus, the heart blood of beauty, love’s visible
soul. PANDARUS
Who, my cousin Cressida? MAN
No, sir, Helen. Could not you find out that by her 35
attributes? PANDARUS It should seem, fellow, that thou hast not
seen the Lady Cressid. I come to speak with Paris
from the Prince Troilus. I will make a complimental
assault upon him, for my business seethes. 40 MAN
Sodden business! There’s a stewed phrase indeed. | At Priam's palace, Pandarus chats with a servant while he waits to see Paris. The servant says that Paris is relaxing and listening to some music with "the mortal Venus, the heart-blood of beauty, love's invisible soul." (In other words, move over Angelina Jolie because Helen is the sexiest woman alive. At least in this play.) Pandarus is all "whatever, have you seen my niece Cressida? She's way hotter than Helen." |
Enter Paris and Helen with Attendants. PANDARUS
Fair be to you, my lord, and to all this fair
company! Fair desires in all fair measure fairly
guide them!—Especially to you, fair queen, fair
thoughts be your fair pillow! 45 HELEN
Dear lord, you are full of fair words. PANDARUS You speak your fair pleasure, sweet
queen.—Fair prince, here is good broken music. PARIS
You have broke it, cousin, and, by my life, you
shall make it whole again; you shall piece it out 50
with a piece of your performance. HELEN
He is full of harmony. PANDARUS
Truly, lady, no. HELEN
O, sir— PANDARUS
Rude, in sooth; in good sooth, very rude. 55 PARIS
Well said, my lord; well, you say so in fits. PANDARUS
I have business to my lord, dear queen.—
My lord, will you vouchsafe me a word? HELEN
Nay, this shall not hedge us out. We’ll hear you
sing, certainly. 60 PANDARUS
Well, sweet queen, you are pleasant with
me.—But, marry, thus, my lord: my dear lord and
most esteemed friend, your brother Troilus— HELEN
My Lord Pandarus, honey-sweet lord— PANDARUS
Go to, sweet queen, go to—commends himself 65
most affectionately to you— HELEN
You shall not bob us out of our melody. If you
do, our melancholy upon your head! PANDARUS
Sweet queen, sweet queen, that’s a sweet
queen, i’ faith— 70 HELEN
And to make a sweet lady sad is a sour offence. PANDARUS
Nay, that shall not serve your turn, that
shall it not, in truth, la. Nay, I care not for such
words, no, no.—And, my lord, he desires you that
if the King call for him at supper, you will make his 75
excuse. HELEN
My Lord Pandarus— PANDARUS
What says my sweet queen, my very, very
sweet queen? PARIS
What exploit’s in hand? Where sups he tonight? 80 HELEN
Nay, but, my lord— PANDARUS
What says my sweet queen? My cousin will
fall out with you. HELEN, to Paris
You must not know where he sups. PARIS
I’ll lay my life, with my disposer Cressida. 85 PANDARUS
No, no, no such matter; you are wide.
Come, your disposer is sick. PARIS Well, I’ll make ’s excuse. PANDARUS
Ay, good my lord. Why should you say Cressida?
No, your poor disposer’s sick. 90 PARIS
I spy. PANDARUS
You spy? What do you spy?—Come, give me
an instrument. An Attendant gives him an instrument. Now, sweet queen. HELEN Why, this is kindly done. 95 PANDARUS
My niece is horribly in love with a thing you
have, sweet queen. HELEN
She shall have it, my lord, if it be not my Lord
Paris. PANDARUS
He? No, she’ll none of him. They two are 100
twain. HELEN
Falling in after falling out may make them
three. PANDARUS Come, come, I’ll hear no more of this. I’ll
sing you a song now. 105 | Now Paris and Helen enter the room with a bunch of servants. Pandarus falls all over himself flattering her, despite the fact that he just said she wasn't all that. Helen's not buying any of Pandarus's business. She cracks a few sarcastic comments about what a wanna-be smooth talker he is. Finally, Pandarus delivers a message from Troilus, who says he's sorry but he can't make it to dinner that night. Helen and Paris are all "Gee, we wonder where Troilus is going to be tonight. Is he going to be hooking up with Cressida?" Pandarus denies this and tries to change the subject. |
HELEN
Ay, ay, prithee. Now, by my troth, sweet lord,
thou hast a fine forehead. PANDARUS
Ay, you may, you may. HELEN
Let thy song be love. “This love will undo us all.”
O Cupid, Cupid, Cupid! 110 PANDARUS
Love? Ay, that it shall, i’ faith. PARIS
Ay, good now, “Love, love, nothing but love.” PANDARUS
In good troth, it begins so. Love, love, nothing but love, still love, still more!
For, O, love’s bow 115
Shoots buck and doe.
The shaft confounds
Not that it wounds
But tickles still the sore. These lovers cry “O ho!” they die, 120
Yet that which seems the wound to kill
Doth turn “O ho!” to “Ha ha he!”
So dying love lives still.
“O ho!” awhile, but “Ha ha ha!”
“O ho!”groans out for “ha ha ha!”—Hey ho! 125 HELEN
In love, i’ faith, to the very tip of the nose. PARIS He eats nothing but doves, love, and that breeds
hot blood, and hot blood begets hot thoughts, and
hot thoughts beget hot deeds, and hot deeds is love. PANDARUS
Is this the generation of love? Hot blood, 130
hot thoughts, and hot deeds? Why, they are vipers.
Is love a generation of vipers? Sweet lord, who’s
afield today? PARIS
Hector, Deiphobus, Helenus, Antenor, and all the
gallantry of Troy. I would fain have armed today, 135
but my Nell would not have it so. How chance my
brother Troilus went not? HELEN
He hangs the lip at something.—You know all,
Lord Pandarus. PANDARUS Not I, honey sweet queen. I long to hear how 140
they sped today.—You’ll remember your brother’s
excuse? PARIS
To a hair. PANDARUS
Farewell, sweet queen. HELEN Commend me to your niece. 145 PANDARUS
I will, sweet queen. He exits. Sound a retreat. PARIS
They’re come from the field. Let us to Priam’s hall
To greet the warriors. Sweet Helen, I must woo you
To help unarm our Hector. His stubborn buckles,
With these your white enchanting fingers touched, 150
Shall more obey than to the edge of steel
Or force of Greekish sinews. You shall do more
Than all the island kings: disarm great Hector. HELEN
’Twill make us proud to be his servant, Paris.
Yea, what he shall receive of us in duty 155
Gives us more palm in beauty than we have,
Yea, overshines ourself. PARIS Sweet, above thought I love thee. They exit. | Helen flirts/bullies Pandarus into entertaining her by singing a mildly dirty love song about Cupid's "shaft" and "dying" love. (In Elizabethan literature, "dying" = orgasm, so we'd probably give this song a PG-13.) Paris and Helen torment Pandarus by talking about "hot blood" (lust) and "hot deeds" (sex). This totally fake-embarrasses Pandarus, who leaves. Helen is all, "See ya later Pandarus. Say 'hi' to your pretty niece for me!" The A-List couple decide to go greet the warriors returning from the battlefield. Paris turns to Helen and says something flirty like, "Honey, I need you to do me a big favor. Can you use your 'enchanting fingers' to undress Hector? The poor guy has a really hard time taking off his armor." Okay, Paris. Whatever turns you on. Helen chuckles seductively and says she'd be "proud to be his servant." |