Enter Achilles and Patroclus. ACHILLES
I’ll heat his blood with Greekish wine tonight,
Which with my scimitar I’ll cool tomorrow.
Patroclus, let us feast him to the height. PATROCLUS
Here comes Thersites. Enter Thersites. ACHILLES
How now, thou core of envy? 5
Thou crusty botch of nature, what’s the news? THERSITES
Why, thou picture of what thou seemest and
idol of idiot-worshippers, here’s a letter for thee. ACHILLES
From whence, fragment? THERSITES Why, thou full dish of fool, from Troy. 10 Achilles takes the letter and moves aside to read it. PATROCLUS
Who keeps the tent now? THERSITES
The surgeon’s box or the patient’s wound. PATROCLUS
Well said, adversity. And what need these
tricks? THERSITES
Prithee, be silent, boy. I profit not by thy 15
talk. Thou art said to be Achilles’ male varlet. PATROCLUS “Male varlet,” you rogue! What’s that? THERSITES Why, his masculine whore. Now the rotten
diseases of the south, the guts-griping, ruptures,
catarrhs, loads o’ gravel in the back, lethargies, 20
cold palsies, raw eyes, dirt-rotten livers, whissing
lungs, bladders full of impostume, sciaticas,
limekilns i’ th’ palm, incurable bone-ache, and the
rivelled fee-simple of the tetter, take and take
again such preposterous discoveries. 25 PATROCLUS Why, thou damnable box of envy, thou,
what means thou to curse thus? THERSITES
Do I curse thee? PATROCLUS
Why, no, you ruinous butt, you whoreson
indistinguishable cur, no. 30 THERSITES
No? Why art thou then exasperate, thou idle
immaterial skein of sleave-silk, thou green sarsenet
flap for a sore eye, thou tassel of a prodigal’s purse,
thou? Ah, how the poor world is pestered with such
waterflies, diminutives of nature! 35 PATROCLUS
Out, gall! THERSITES
Finch egg! ACHILLES, coming forward
My sweet Patroclus, I am thwarted quite
From my great purpose in tomorrow’s battle.
Here is a letter from Queen Hecuba, 40
A token from her daughter, my fair love,
Both taxing me and gaging me to keep
An oath that I have sworn. I will not break it.
Fall, Greeks; fail, fame; honor, or go or stay;
My major vow lies here; this I’ll obey. 45
Come, come, Thersites, help to trim my tent.
This night in banqueting must all be spent.
Away, Patroclus. He exits with Patroclus. | Achilles chills with Patroclus and talks trash about how he's going to make mincemeat out of Hector tomorrow. Then Thersites (the loudmouth slave) shows up at the Greek camp with a letter from Troy. Thersites and Achilles bag on each other, which, of course. Did you expect anything else? Patroclus tries to chime in but Thersites tells him to pipe down and calls him a man-whore. To get his point across, Thersites lists a bunch of nasty diseases (most of which are STDs) and symptoms and says he hopes Patroclus experiences them all. Meanwhile, Achilles reads his letter. It's from Queen Hecuba and includes a little love token from Polyxena (Hecuba's daughter). Achilles is all "Rats! I was really looking forward to killing Hector tomorrow but I have to go back to Troy because I promised both women I wouldn't fight." Achilles and Patroclus order Thersites to get their tent ready for a party that night. Tent party, y'all! |
THERSITES
With too much blood and too little brain,
these two may run mad; but if with too much brain 50
and too little blood they do, I’ll be a curer of madmen.
Here’s Agamemnon, an honest fellow enough
and one that loves quails, but he has not so much
brain as earwax. And the goodly transformation
of Jupiter there, his brother, the bull—the primitive 55
statue and oblique memorial of cuckolds, a
thrifty shoeing-horn in a chain, hanging at his
brother’s leg—to what form but that he is should
wit larded with malice and malice forced with
wit turn him to? To an ass were nothing; he is both 60
ass and ox. To an ox were nothing; he is both ox
and ass. To be a dog, a mule, a cat, a fitchew, a
toad, a lizard, an owl, a puttock, or a herring without
a roe, I would not care; but to be Menelaus! I
would conspire against destiny. Ask me not what I 65
would be, if I were not Thersites, for I care not to be
the louse of a lazar so I were not Menelaus. Enter Hector, Troilus, Ajax, Agamemnon, Ulysses,
Nestor, Menelaus, and Diomedes, with lights. Heyday! Sprites and fires! AGAMEMNON
We go wrong, we go wrong. AJAX
No, yonder—’tis there, where we see the lights. 70 HECTOR
I trouble you. AJAX
No, not a whit. Enter Achilles. ULYSSES, to Hector
Here comes himself to guide you. ACHILLES
Welcome, brave Hector. Welcome, princes all. AGAMEMNON, to Hector
So now, fair prince of Troy, I bid good night. 75
Ajax commands the guard to tend on you. HECTOR
Thanks, and good night to the Greeks’ general. MENELAUS
Good night, my lord. HECTOR
Good night, sweet lord
Menelaus. 80 THERSITES, aside Sweet draught. “Sweet,” quoth he?
Sweet sink, sweet sewer. ACHILLES
Good night and welcome, both at once, to those
That go or tarry. AGAMEMNON
Good night. 85 Agamemnon and Menelaus exit. ACHILLES
Old Nestor tarries, and you too, Diomed.
Keep Hector company an hour or two. DIOMEDES
I cannot, lord. I have important business,
The tide whereof is now.—Good night, great Hector. HECTOR
Give me your hand. 90 ULYSSES, aside to Troilus
Follow his torch; he goes to Calchas’ tent.
I’ll keep you company. TROILUS
Sweet sir, you honor me. HECTOR
And so, good night. Diomedes exits, followed by Troilus and Ulysses. ACHILLES
Come, come, enter my tent. 95 Achilles, Ajax, Nestor, and Hector exit. THERSITES
That same Diomed’s a false-hearted rogue,
a most unjust knave. I will no more trust him when
he leers than I will a serpent when he hisses. He
will spend his mouth and promise like Brabbler
the hound, but when he performs, astronomers 100
foretell it; it is prodigious, there will come some
change. The sun borrows of the moon when
Diomed keeps his word. I will rather leave to see
Hector than not to dog him. They say he keeps a
Trojan drab and uses the traitor Calchas his tent. 105
I’ll after. Nothing but lechery! All incontinent varlets! He exits. | Alone on stage, Thersites delivers one of his nasty soliloquies about Achilles, Patroclus, and Agamemnon, who's got "ear-wax" for a brain. Finally, a bunch of guys show up at Achilles' tent and go inside to par-tay. When Diomedes leaves, Ulysses whispers that Troilus should follow him to Calchas' tent. Thersites follows too and says he doesn't trust Diomedes. He then repeats a rumor that Diomedes is going to hook up with a "Trojan drab" (whore) in Calchas' tent. |