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Romeo and Juliet, a la Shmoop Romeo: Every couple has that special story

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about how they met. My friends met their girls at the usual places, the tavern, the faire,

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or on ye olde internet.

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My story's super romantic, though. I was crashing the Capulet's party so I could get with this

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chick Rosaline <Roz-uh-lin>, who was totally freezing me out. I had to wear a mask to sneak

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inside, because Montagues and Capulets get along about as well as forks and toasters.

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And then, I saw her. No, not whats-her-name, a new girl! A perfect girl… the type who

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makes you think of jewels, doves, suns, angels, and...’scuse me, I have to go write some

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of this down. Juliet: I knew it was going to be a rotten

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day. Mom barged into my room with the bright and cheery news that she wanted me to marry

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a guy named Paris. Paris? Seriously?

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And of course, Miami… oh, sorry, Paris...was going to be at the party that night to meet

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me. Awkward! But I said, whatever, I guess I could control my gag reflex long enough

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to meet the guy. You never know, he could look like Channing Tatum!

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Turns out, the party wasn’t so bad, after all. There was a dashing masked stranger who

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was checking me out all night. …

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It was kind of awesome. Hope he's not a serial killer.

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Romeo: Anyway, this chick was seriously smokin’. So I popped a breath mint and walked over,

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and ran right into Tybalt<<tib-uhlt>>, a Capulet with a short fuse and long hatred for yours

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truly.

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Good thing his uncle broke up the fight…I’m a lover, not a fighter!

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At least I hit it off with the girl. She was totally into me. But how do I tell my dad

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I’m dating a Capulet? Maybe I should wait until after he buys me that car.

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Juliet: So the hottie in the mask turned out to be a Montague. Gross!  But he’s such

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a fox. And the mortal enemy thing just makes him seem like more of a bad boy.

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That night I was talking to myself on my balcony… what, like you've never done that?... and

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he was there listening to me! I felt so violated that I only kissed him, like, thirty-four

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times.

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And pledged my undying love to him. And agreed to marry him. So yeah, it’s pretty serious.

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Romeo: Somebody call the book of world records, cuz I'm the first guy in my middle school

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to get hitched! Jealous?  

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Yeah, I guess things happened a little fast. My buddy the priest was all, “Whatever happened

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to Rosaline?”

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And I was like, "That’s old news, padre, it's Juliet now! We had our first date and

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now I want to make it official!"

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And he was totally cool with it! Something about settling age old feuds. Anyway, it was

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a quiet ceremony, no friends, no family …

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…and then I went off to hang with my boys until the wedding night. I’ve waited my

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whole life to marry this girl! Or, like, two days!

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Juliet: So, yesterday was an emotional rollercoaster. My cousin Tybalt got a little overexcited

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and stabbed Romeo's best friend, Mercutio. Then Romeo killed my cousin Tybalt, and got

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himself banished. Men!

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My nurse and Friar Laurence managed to sneak Romeo into my room for a little rated R action,

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but he had to bail in the morning so my parents wouldn’t kill him.

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Then Mom busted in, before I'd even had my coffee, and announced that I was going to

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marry Paris. As if! I told her where to stick it, and she and dad got super mad at me.  But

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Romeo's priest friend came up with this genius plan to keep Romeo and me together!

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First, I take a sedative. Then, my family thinks I'm dead and buries me. Finally, Romeo

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comes to pick me up and we live happily ever after. What could go wrong?

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Romeo: Talk about buzzkills…I got back from banishment, and Juliet was dead!

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I found a shopkeeper willing to sell poison to a distraught teenager, and ran off to end

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it all in Juliet's tomb.

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I made out with her a little, for old time's sake, and took the poison. Wouldn’t you

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know it, right before I croaked, Juliet sat up and said, "Wait, didn't you get my text?"

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She looked pretty stressed about the whole thing...I hope she didn't do something rash

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like stab herself with my dagger. I knew I should have changed my phone carrier...

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