ShmoopTube

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The Odyssey, a la Shmoop. My name is Odysseus, and this is the story

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of a decade-long journey that would never have happened had I kept my big, fat mouth

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shut.

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It all started when I was sailing back to Ithaca after the Trojan War ended. Ten years

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I spent fighting the Trojans, and all I wanted to do was get back to my wife, Penelope.

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However, my men and I were captured by a Cyclops.

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Dude only had one eye so, once we put that out, it was pretty easy to get away from him.

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But then I did something really, really stupid. I told him my name. Yelled it at him, actually,

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in kind of a taunting way, as I sailed away on my ship. Did I mention that this was not

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a smart thing to do?

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Turns out that the Cyclops’ dad was Poseidon. He complained about my blinding him to his

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pops, and Poseidon promptly cursed me to wander about on my ship for ten years. Oops.

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A decade sailing around the ocean is a long time, but boy, did we meet some interesting

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people on our trip. First, there was Aeolus<<ay-oh-liss>>, who was kind enough to give me a giant whoopee

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cushion that could have blown me back to Ithaca.

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Unfortunately, my idiot crew members sat on the thing while I slept.

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Then we met some cannibals. That didn't end well.

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Then, we met Circe<<sir-sea>>. Nice girl, but we got off on the wrong foot when she

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turned half of my men into pigs.

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Hermes, the god, not the luxury brand, gave me a drug that helped me resist Circe's wiles.

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She ultimately agreed to turn my crew members back into men, if I would love her. Sounded

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like a deal to me, but please don't tell Penelope. After a year spent chillin' with Circe, my

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men and I sailed to the edge of the world...

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...where I talked to lots of dead people...

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...and what did my dead mom tell me but that my house at Ithaca had been overrun by men

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who were eating my food, spending my money, and trying to marry my wife. Time to get home,

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you say? I couldn't have agreed more. Problem was, I couldn't get home. First there

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were the Sirens...

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...and then Scylla<<sill-uh>> took a bite out of my crew...

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...and then there was a shipwreck, and everyone died but me...

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...and then I washed up on Calypso's island and she compelled me to be her boyfriend.

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Again… please don't tell Penelope. After seven years with Calypso, the gods finally

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orchestrated my escape. Of course, Poseidon, the big jerk, was still mad at me for what

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I did to his one-eyed son, so he wrecked my raft.

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A little help from a sea nymph got me to the island of the Phaeacians<<fay-she-ins>>, where

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I revealed that I was the Trojan Horse guy. The Phaeacians then took me home to Ithaca.

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Thanks to my dead mom, I knew I had dozens of sleazy suitors camped out in my house.

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The goddess Athena disguised me as a beggar so I could get the lay of the land.

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Then, while staying in my swineherd's hut, who should I meet but my son, Telemachus<<tell-uh-ma-kiss>>.

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We shared a manly hug, then decided that the suitors had to go.

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The next day, my wife had the suitors compete for her hand in an archery competition with

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my old bow.

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The man who could string the bow and shoot an arrow through a dozen ax heads would win

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the competition and my wife. Of course, I took home the gold.

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Then, my son and I...

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...with an able assist from the household staff...

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...killed all the suitors, and a few other people besides. It was like a Die Hard movie.

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I revealed myself to my wife, but she didn't believe I was me until I told her that our

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bed was made out of an olive tree with its roots still in the ground.

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That's how my odyssey came to an end. Thanks for making me jump through all those hoops,

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Homer. It was epic.

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