If you’re under 21, you should generally hit on less than 17 unless the dealer is showing a bust card. Wait, what are we talking about here?

Oh, right. If you’re under 21 years of age:

Robitussin: 100 Proof

What? There’s alcohol in this???

Sure is. Many medications—cough syrups, mouthwash, etc.—contain traces of alcohol. If you take any of these in excess (how bad could that cold of yours possibly be?), you could run up your BAC and be arrested for driving under the influence. And there’s nothing more humiliating than being pulled over for tripping on Listerine.

You may not carry a container of any type of alcohol inside a vehicle unless you are accompanied by a parent or responsible adult (as specified by law, not by you) and said container is unopened. Hmm—unopened bottle of white wine and your parents. Sounds like your night’s going to be off the hook.

1. If you are caught with alcohol in your vehicle, it can be impounded for up to 30 days (your vehicle, not the alcohol). You can also be fined up to $1,000 and lose your license. This will start a chain reaction of events that will lead to you dying penniless and alone on the streets of downtown Detroit.
2. If you are convicted of driving with a blood alcohol content (BAC) of 0.01% or higher or are under the influence of drugs, your driving privilege will be taken away from you for one year. It will temporarily be given to someone who drinks a lot of iced tea and is always in bed before ten. You would have to take a DUI class after your first offense; a second offense could result in a longer program and the loss of even the restricted license that would allow you to drive to and from your class. If you think turning down an offer of alcohol from one of your peers is embarrassing, try asking your mommy to drive you to DUI class.