How It All Goes Down
- The next day at dinner, all the ladies are interested in Mr. Wickham, but he eventually sits down next to Elizabeth and starts asking about Mr. Darcy.
- Apparently, Mr. Wickham has known the Darcy family since he was a baby.
- That's a little weird, Elizabeth thinks, since it looked like Mr. Darcy wanted to kill Mr. Wickham on the road.
- Mr. Wickham explains that Old Mr. Darcy trained both boys to fight zombies—but that he always favored Mr. Wickham.
- Mr. Darcy was super jealous about this, so when Old Mr. Darcy was killed battling zombies, Mr. Darcy didn't let Mr. Wickham join the church, even though this was obviously what his father wanted.
- Elizabeth is totally shocked by all this and wonders why Mr. Wickham hasn't fought Mr. Darcy to the death to restore his honor.
- Well, Mr. Wickham totally would, but he just remembers Old Mr. Darcy so fondly, he wouldn't dream of maiming his son. You know how that is.
- Mr. Wickham also tells Elizabeth about a time when the boys were about seven years old and Mr. Darcy viciously attacked him. Mr. Wickham had to walk with a cane for a year.
- Elizabeth asks about Mr. Darcy's sister, Georgiana, but Wickham says she's pretty much the same as her brother—highly conceited and highly deadly.
- Mr. Wickham also mentions that Mr. Darcy is the nephew of Lady Catherine de Bourgh. One day, Mr. Darcy is supposed to marry her daughter, Anne. Curiouser and curiouser.
- As the Bennet girls and Mr. Collins ride home from Mrs. Phillips', they hear the cries of the undead filling the air—but Elizabeth can only think of Mr. Wickham. He's so dreamy.
- Elizabeth tells Jane all about her conversation with Mr. Wickham while they're sparring in their family dojo.
- Jane can't believe it, but she also has trouble believing bad things about anyone.
- Suddenly, Mr. Bingley and his sisters stop by with an invitation to the Netherfield ball. Score.
- All the ladies in the house are super excited for the upcoming ball. Jane imagines dancing with Mr. Bingley, and Elizabeth thinks about cozying up to Mr. Wickham. She can't wait to see the look on Mr. Darcy's smug face.
- But then Mr. Collins asks Elizabeth if she'll dance with him for the first two dances, and she can't say no. She also can't kill him in the house. Imagine the mess.
- It's the night of the Netherfield ball, and the Bennets arrive.
- Elizabeth is pretty disappointed when she sees that Mr. Wickham isn't there. What gives?
- So Elizabeth dances with Mr. Collins and then—surprise, surprise—Mr. Darcy asks her to dance. Ugh.
- It doesn't go great—mainly because Mr. Darcy doesn't say much. He does try to strike up a conversation about the difference between the Japanese and Chinese zombie-slaying schools, though.
- Elizabeth is way more interested in talking about Mr. Wickham. Mr. Darcy obviously doesn't like the dude, but he doesn't go into any great detail why.
- Meanwhile, everyone at the ball seems determined to embarrass Elizabeth in front of Mr. Darcy. Relatives, right?
- It seems like the night couldn't get any worse when Mr. Bingley comes back from the kitchen looking white as a ghost.
- Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth head down to the kitchen to find two zombies munching on the servants. The poor souls.
- Because he's a gentleman, Mr. Darcy offers to dispatch the undead. He can't have Elizabeth's lovely gown getting soiled, now, can he?
- As the family leaves the Netherfield for the night, Mrs. Bennet keeps herself happy thinking that soon her two oldest daughters will both be married, and then they can hang up their swords and muskets forever.
- The next morning, Mr. Collins makes his move. After breakfast, he asks to talk to Elizabeth alone. Oh, no.
- Once everyone clears out of the room, Mr. Collins tells Elizabeth that he'd like to marry her. Their life together is going to be great, and he's sure that Lady Catherine will approve, because Elizabeth is such a skilled warrior.
- Of course, once she becomes Mrs. Collins, Elizabeth will have to leave her zombie-slaying days behind.
- Elizabeth listens to Mr. Collins' whole ridiculous speech but has to stop him at the mention of her putting down her musket and daggers. She informs him in the politest way possible that she can never be his wife and that she can never stop mowing down the undead as long as the undead walk the earth.
- Mr. Collins is super dense: he thinks that Elizabeth is turning him down just to encourage him even more.
- Elizabeth is face-palming pretty hard. What does she have to do to get this guy a clue?
- Naturally, Mrs. Bennet freaks out when she hears that Elizabeth has rejected Mr. Collins. She rushes into the library and tells Mr. Bennet that he needs to make Elizabeth marry Mr. Collins.
- Good luck with that.
- Mr. Bennet tells his wife that he'll not have his best warrior married to a man who's fatter than Buddha and duller than the edge of a learning sword. That's bad news for Mr. Collins.
- But Mrs. Bennet doesn't give up. She spends the rest of the day harassing Elizabeth about this rejected marriage proposal.
- When Charlotte Lucas arrives at the house looking a little bit sick, Mrs. Bennet thinks that Charlotte might talk some sense into Elizabeth.
- Has this woman seen Elizabeth with a sword?