Punctuation Introduction

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Like grammar nerds like to say, punctuation is a matter of life and death. There's a huge difference between "Let's eat, Grandma" and "Let's eat Grandma."

Ba-dum ching!

Yes, grammarians can also be cornballs. But grammar truly is a matter of life and death… of your dignity as a writer. And as a human being.

You could write that, "Rachel Ray finds inspiration in cooking her family and her dog." Oof.

You could post a sign in the disabled/family restroom at your establishment that reads "Attention: toilet only for disabled elderly pregnant children." Oof. Oof. And also—what?!

And it ain't just commas that spell the difference between cannibalism and family dining or embarrassment and writing proficiency.

Without periods, you could end up writing "I have two hours to kill someone come hang out." (Terrifying.)

Overindulgence in quotation marks could have you saying that your restaurant serves the best "chicken" in town, leading hungry would-be patrons to think "Uh, what is that chicken really made out of?"

Basically, all punctuation is there for a reason. It shows degrees of separation and emphasis. In fact, when you think about it, punctuation symbols are a lot like road signs. No, they're not huge and green. They tell your reader when to look alive and anticipate, when to slow down, and when to come to a complete stop.

Simply put, punctuation symbols are a powerful tool. Use them to get your audience to read your writing exactly how you want it to be read. Feel the power!

Disclaimer

Punctuation is, uh, kind of made up.

See, it was originally used to help people know when to pause in a sentence. Comma was a short pause, semi-colon was a longer pause, and period was a full stop. So who are we to tell you that YOU CANNOT USE A COMMA THERE?

Plus, with the thousand ways we now have to communicate, punctuation is always changing. Remember when a period didn't mean you were angry? Those were the days.

Bottom line: take everything everyone says about punctuation with a grain of salt. Yes, you need to pass your grammar exam, but you don't need to deal with grammar tyrants.

Quiz Yourself on Punctuation

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Which of the following sentences is grammatically incorrect?

(A) We could buy mom the red F-150 she has always wanted; or a baby blue convertible because I don't think muscle cars are truly her style.
(B) Neither Kat nor Kit felt any bit upset; they had never liked the stinky rat their dad bought them anyway.
(C) I searched the dance floor multiple times, but I fear that my great-grandmother's ruby ring is lost forever at Discos-R-Us.
(D) The little boy wondered if eating too many oranges would turn his skin orange; he really liked eating oranges.

Stephanie is shopping at Costco when she runs into John Cusack, her favorite actor of all time, ever. Unable to mask her fangirl tendencies, she immediately begins quoting Mr. Cusack's films to him. Here's one of her favorite quotes from High Fidelity:


"She didn't make me miserable, or anxious, or ill at ease. You know, it sounds boring, but it wasn't. It wasn't spectacular either. It was just good. But really good."


If Stephanie wants to speed things up so Mr. Cusack can finish his shopping, how would she best shorten the quote while retaining its original meaning?

(A) "She didn't make me miserable, or anxious, or ill at ease… It wasn't spectacular either. It was just… really good."
(B) "… It sounds boring, but it wasn't. It wasn't spectacular either. It was just good. But really good."
(C) "She didn't make me miserable… anxious… ill at ease… just good… really good."
(D) "She didn't make me miserable, anxious, or ill at east… It was just good. But really good."

Which sentence has correct punctuation?

(A) You must bring the following items to Girl Scout camp: sleeping bag, warm clothes, and many yummy snacks for sharing.
(B) Geraldine enjoys walking outside in cold weather conditions, namely: sleet, hail, and snow.
(C) Teachers like students who: (1) raise their hands, (2) speak in turn, and (3) know all the right answers.
(D) I overdosed on chocolate movie theater candy, that is: Nestle Buncha Crunch, Cookie Dough Bites, and Pretzel M&Ms.

Which option needs a comma? 


The desperate college student needed to find the perfect book for her essay on the meaning of the color red in the novel Jane Eyre. If she wanted to do well she needed a legitimate source to support her argument. She searched and searched, but despite her numerous frantic visits to the librarian's desk, she had nothing to show for her quest. Hopefully her teacher would be willing to accept her claim that she was her own expert source.


(A) well she
(A) but despite
(C) numerous frantic
(D) To be honest, I think they all could use a comma.

Which of the following options is grammatically correct?

(A) My sisters' crush on Justin Bieber borders on the insane; she's been to thirty of his concerts.
(B) I wanted to get Selena Gomez' autograph, but I was too sick to attend the concert.
(C) Katy Perry's concert was really fun, except for when the twins's sodas spilled all over my new white tennis shoes.
(D) He tried to tell me that only girls appreciate One Direction's hairdos, but I simply refuse to believe my brother's ridiculous claims.

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