The Real Poop

The Real Poop

On the first day, LeBron James created basketball. Obviously.

At some point, all the sports on Earth were invented. Whoever is in charge of that sort of thing—we sort of picture a council made up of LeBron James, Richard Sherman, and Ronaldo—divided up all of the different kind of activities and made each one a sport. Naturally, they had a bunch of awesome leftovers. Track and field is made up of the leftovers.

In terms of concrete events, there are races: some where you have to jump over hurdles and some without, and some where you chase a steeple. Some competitions involve throwing heavy objects, namely:

  • Javelins, or long, pointy sticks

  • Shot puts (basically cannonballs)

  • The discus, a Frisbee made by someone who thinks plastic is an ironic joke

  • Hammer, named by someone who has probably never seen a hammer

In addition, there's also jumping for height or distance, sometimes with the help of a pole. Lastly, there's the heptathlon and the decathlon, which are all of the above.

So how good do you have to be to get a scholarship? Real good. For Division I, men need to run the 55m in 6.4 seconds, and women in 7.11 seconds. Men better be able to jump over a bar seven feet in the air (or as it's sometimes known, one Chris Bosh in height). Women have to clear one that's 5'10", which is closer to one Arnold Schwarzenegger (source).

Jump over me if you want to live.

Maybe you're more of a throwing stuff type? Well, you're looking at chucking a shot put 60 feet if you're a man and 45 feet if you're a woman (source).

Okay, okay, so the Division I schools sound like utter madness. Bad news: the Division-II and -III programs aren't much better. Sure, you can add a couple seconds to the running times and shave some feet off the jumping and throwing, but they're still the kinds of numbers that suggest these competitors might just be mutants in hiding.

Track and field doesn't have a set amount of people it needs to put on the…tracking field (we're not entirely sure what it's called). It's an "equivalency sport," so the program has a certain amount of money that then gets split amongst all scholarship-holders (source). If it's a small team, you might get a full ride…but that's not something you want to count on.

This isn't going to take you all the way. That's not surprising. When was the last time you turned on the local pro-track and field league game? We're guessing never, since such a thing doesn't exist. It's not a marquee sport; it's not feeding a professional league, so it's not going to attract the kind of money that other sports will.

And then there's the work. It's not confined to the field, either. You'll have to maintain your grades the whole time or else the scholarship talk will be for naught. Grades drop, the scholarship goes away. Ever try to study while jumping over hurdles or flinging javelins? It's not easy, and it can often result in you throwing your computer downfield, which isn't going to help anyone.

Then there's your on-field work. You're going to be expected to improve, which means running faster, jumping higher, throwing farther, and decathloning harder. Sure, you'll become some kind of crazy super-athlete scholar, but just be aware, this is going to take a lot out of you.

Let's just hope that you're not a big fan of sleeping. And that you are a fan of acquiring academic and professional skills that might pay your rent after college. Odds are, you'll need 'em.