Interview with Apophis
Evil Minion School Confidential Reports
Student: Apophis
Report 1
Reviewer: Dr. Evil Nastinough, School Therapist
Apophis is perhaps the most talented student ever to pass through the doors of this school. Because of this prodigious talent, I am disappointed to have to recommend that he be held back from graduating to Evil Overlord School once again this year.
Despite showing great promise in the areas of Fomenting Chaos, Encouraging Mutiny, and even Threatening Good Guys, Apophis is letting his ego get in the way of his ultimate glory as an evil overlord.
He manages to get himself drawn into arguments with fellow students, and has received more after-school detentions than anyone else in the entire senior class. He often refuses to accept instruction, do his homework, or even show up to class on time. One excuse that he had to fight a sunrise battle with Seth is understandable, but tardy every single morning? Quite frankly, this has gotten out of hand.
Apophis is an amorphous, bottomless chaos. Without proper discipline or even an evil plan beyond "eat the sun," I do not think that he will ever succeed at being more than a nuisance to the gods of his pantheon, and thus I cannot recommend him to graduation status. Perhaps another year of training, and maybe a repeat of coursework with an emphasis on evil mastermind skills, and he will finally be ready.
- Dr. Evil
Report 2
Reviewer: Seth, Physical Education Instructor
Apophis is a worthless weakling. He's had more than a million sunrises to figure out a way to get past me and onto the Boat of Millions of Years to steal the sun-ball from Ra and his team of goody-two-shoes, but Apophis simply does not learn from his mistakes. Instead, I end up sending him home to his mother in pieces every morning. Which is awkward, because his mother hates him, and she's also one of my former girlfriends, but I digress.
Until—and unless—Apophis learns to channel his hate into something useful, he's going to be repeating this grade. On the plus side, keeping him here also prevents the universe from being destroyed, so I am in favor of holding him back. And so is everybody else, if they're smart. Let's not graduate him, okay?
- Seth