Interview with Banebdjed
Gossip TV
An ancient Egyptian woman with perfect hair leans into the camera, showing off her malachite-green eye paint, as the words NILE GOSSIP CONFIDENTIAL WITH CLEO DJEDET flash across the screen.
Woman: Hello, I’m Cleo Djedet, your host for Nile Gossip Confidential.
The screen fades to show an image of Banebdjed surrounded by many beautiful women.
Cleo: We’ve got some juicy news for you this week, about one of Egypt’s biggest playboys—and in his very own words! This past week, one of our undercover investigators broke into Banebdjed’s office… and retrieved his little black scroll!
The screen shows an image of a small, black leather scroll with a golden ram stamped on the outside cover, as the studio audience gasps.
Cleo: Inside were pages and pages of drawings that are entirely too risqué to reproduce here… along with a detailed list of what Banebdjed thinks about all the rest of the Egyptian pantheon. So here you have it: The Ram of Mendes Tells All: Egyptian Goddesses: Hot or Not!
The screen flashes HOT OR NOT across Cleo’s face, then breaks to a half screen, with Cleo on one side, and still images of various Egyptian goddesses appearing on the other half as she reads from Banebdjed’s little black scroll.
Cleo: (reading as an image of Isis in a very revealing gown appears) Isis… definitely one hawt mama. If only she didn’t care so much about Osiris, I’d have her eating out of my hoof.
(An image of Hathor wearing nothing but a belt made of flowers appears, and Cleo continues to read, hamming it up as she goes for good effect.) Hathor… oh my goddess, what a hottie she is! Sometimes, I think she’s hotter than Hatmehit. But don’t tell Horus the Elder that—he’ll serve me up as shish kabob at our next barbeque. He is one lucky hawk. That woman is fine, I tell you.
(The image of Hathor fades and is replaced with one of Sekhmet, covered in blood and drinking a jar of beer with one clawed hand.) Sekhmet: She’s hot, too, but maybe a little too hot. Fire and destruction can be sexy until she’s eaten half the village. No thanks, you can keep her, Ptah… let’s say Sekhmet’s more not, than hot.
(Sekhmet is replaced by an image of Bast, curled up in a sunbeam.) Bast is a sexy beast, but she’s like all the cats: far too fickle and has the attention of a fruit bat.
(The last image is of Mut, wearing her royal robes in a very formal photo.) Mut’s totes hot—I mean smoking—but she lives so far away. I need to figure out how to get her to come to Mendes. I’m sure we could find her a place here. In my room…
Somewhere off camera, a door bursts open and many angry voices can be heard. Cleo sits up straighter, dropping the scroll into her lap nervously, as a crowd of angry gods wanders on to the set.
Horus the Elder: WHAT did he say about my wife?!
Ptah: How DARE he insult my Sekhie!
Osiris: Where is he? Let me at him!
Amun: Gentlemen, please. I’m your king. I get to beat on him first.
The gods all start arguing with each other. Cleo leans in toward the screen.
Cleo: Well, um, heh, this is a little awkward, but maybe it’s a good time for a commercial break. Banebdjed, if you’re watching… you might want to go find somewhere safe and lay low for a while. Sorry!