Interview with Deirdre
A Correspondence with Leabharcham
From: PoetAndIKnewIt@LoveIreland.ie
To: MostBeautifulGirl@LoveIreland.ie
Subject: Guys
Deirdre, I don't understand why you just won't wait to date until you're married—to the king of Ulster, no less!
-Leabharcham
From: MostBeautifulGirl@LoveIreland.ie
To: PoetAndIKnewIt@LoveIreland.ie
Re: Guys
Leabharcham, you don't get it. Conchobar's old, and I want a young hottie to date. Ooh, there's my foster dad skinning a calf. I want a guy who looks like that dead calf—blood-red cheeks, skin as white as the snow, and hair black like the raven that's swooping down.
From: PoetAndIKnewIt@LoveIreland.ie
To: MostBeautifulGirl@LoveIreland.ie
Re: Guys
Well, if that's what you're looking for, I've got a guy for you—Naoise. He's Conchobar's nephew and a real cutie.
From: MostBeautifulGirl@LoveIreland.ie
To: PoetAndIKnewIt@LoveIreland.ie
Re: Guys
Thanks, Leabharcham! I'm off to meet him!
A Correspondence with Naoise
From: MostBeautifulGirl@LoveIreland.ie
To: RoyalAndHandsome@LoveIreland.ie
Subject: Hey!
Hey. I'm Deirdre...and I think you're gorgeous, so call me, maybe?
From: RoyalAndHandsome@LoveIreland.ie
To: MostBeautifulGirl@LoveIreland.ie
Re: Hey!
You could have any guy you want—my uncle, for example, but you want me? I can't do that, sorry—you're beautiful, but you're meant for my uncle.
From: MostBeautifulGirl@LoveIreland.ie
To: RoyalAndHandsome@LoveIreland.ie
Re: Hey!
Yeah, you wish. I'm going to call down a curse on you. You'll be disgraced and made fun of forever if you refuse me!
From: RoyalAndHandsome@LoveIreland.ie
To: MostBeautifulGirl@LoveIreland.ie
Re: Hey!
Fine, fine. But Conchobar will kill us if we stay in Ireland. You, me, and my bros will flee to Scotland.
A Correspondence with Conchobar mac Nessa
From: ConchobarKingofCool@LoveIreland.ie
To: MostBeautifulGirl@LoveIreland.ie
Subject: Please come home!
Deirdre, please come home. I love you. I sent a spy to Scotland, so I know you're there. And I know you know that I had a messenger tell you the king of Scotland loved you—I wanted to see what you'd do—but you told Naoise all. I even sent Naoise and his brothers into dangerous missions to kill them off, but no luck.
So, here's my ultimatum—either you come home or I'll kill them all and forcibly take you. I think I'll be seeing you soon.
From: MostBeautifulGirl@LoveIreland.ie
To: ConchobarKingofCool@LoveIreland.ie
Re: Please come home!
Fine. You sent some dudes to guarantee Naoise and his brothers' safety, so I'm fine with it.
From: MostBeautifulGirl@LoveIreland.ie
To: ConchobarKingofCool@LoveIreland.ie
Re: Please come home!
You rat! You tricked us. You sent Fergus mac Roich to get us—he's under a geis, a curse, that he can never refuse a feast. But we weren't allowed to eat or drink until we arrived at your home. So off Fergus to a feast. I heard Fergus cry out three times and knew it meant that three people (Naoise and his family) would be hurt, even though Fergus's sons were guarding us. I knew that, if we went to eat in your palace, we'd be fine, but, if we went to eat in the Red Branch Hall of your soldiers, we'd be roadkill.
Of course, I'm always right! You asked Leabharcham if I was still pretty; not wanting you to marry me, he said no. Then, you sent someone else, who confirmed I was still beautiful. Angry, you ordered your men to kill Naoise and co., which they did, betraying your oath that we'd be safe! Eoghan was the one who killed him, so I hate him more than anyone else, except you.
When you asked me whom I disliked most, I told you his name! You made me spend a year with him and put me in a chariot to go to his house. But I won, because I jumped out and dashed my brains onto a stone, so I couldn't live without my Naoise.
I won. You lost. Plus, you betrayed Fergus, who went over to support Connacht.