Interview with Hel
Hel's Inbox
Sent Mail
From: queenoftheunderworld@helnet.com
To: hrhfrigg@asgard.com
Re: Please Release Balder Now!!!!
Dear Madam;
Yes, I got your previous six emails. No, I will not release your son. It's not that I'm a "heartless witch," as you put it. But when your husband exiled me here at the beginning of time, he was pretty clear about what my job is: To give room and board to the dead for the rest of eternity. Not for a while. Not until someone's mom begs and pleads and offers me bribes. Could you imagine what would happen if I released every dead person whose family asked me to? You guys would be out of room for all the people in a heartbeat!
If it makes you feel any better, Balder's settling in just fine. You're right—he's such a sweetheart! Everybody loves him. In fact, we're planning a big welcome banquet for him. I've even instructed my cook to make pork roast with lingonberry jam. Hod tells me that's his favorite. So I promise you, you don't need to worry. Please stop emailing me.
With Respect,
Hel, Queen of the Underworld
From: queenoftheunderworld@helnet.com
To: trickytricky@asgard.com
Re: New Scheme to Spring You!
Dear Dad;
It's really sweet that you're still trying to come up with a plan to get me out of here, even after all these years. But to be honest, I'm actually really happy here. Yes, it's cold. Yes, it's dark. But I have my own huge hall, complete with servants to clean it for me. And I'm in charge of a whole world—can you say that?
And besides, taking care of the dead is an important responsibility. When they first get here, they always try to escape. I have to be really vigilant about keeping the gates locked and guarded every night. I have to plan lots of parties to distract them from their homesickness. It's a big job, but I'm good at it. So, I plan to stay here. If you really want to free someone, concentrate on Fenrir. I think he's pretty unhappy chained to that rock.
Love Always,
Your Hellie
From: queenoftheunderworld@helnet.com
To: hrhfrigg@asgard.com
Re: Sending Hermod
Dear Madam;
No, please don't send Hermod here to talk to me. For one thing, I can't guarantee that he'll get back out. And for another thing, there's really no point. Dead is dead. It doesn't matter that Hod didn't mean to kill Balder. It doesn't matter that it was all a trick masterminded by Loki. Balder's here to stay, and you're not going to change my mind, period.
Sincerely,
Hel, Queen of the Underworld
From: queenoftheunderworld@helnet.com
To: hrhfrigg@asgard.com
Re: Is he there yet?
Dear Madam;
Wow, you really don't listen, do you? I told you not to send Hermod, but you did it anyway. He walked right into the middle of our welcome banquet for Balder and started begging pathetically for his release. It really killed the mood.
Look, I can see that you're never going to leave me alone, so I'll tell you what I told Hermod. You say the whole world is in mourning for Balder? Prove it. If you can get everything in the whole world to weep for him, then I'll set him free, and that's a promise. So see? I'm not unreasonable. In fact, I even sent some gifts back with Hermod, just to show you that there are no hard feelings.
And yes, I'm making sure Balder brushes his teeth every night.
Sincerely,
Hel, Queen of the Underworld