Interview with Lugh
Maeve: Your Honor, I call to the stand Lugh, son of Cian, of the Tuatha de Danaan.
Bres: Objection! Your Honor, Lugh is of both the Tuatha de Danaan and the Fomorians. His mother, Eithne, was Fomorian and his father, Cian, was of the Tuatha de Danaan.
Amergin: Objection overruled, Bres. Maeve, please question your witness as to the happenings of his own life and the matters at hand.
Maeve: Thank you, Your Honor. Lugh, please state your parentage for the court.
Lugh: My father was Cian, as previously stated, and my mother was a princess of the Fomorians, daughter of Balor.
Maeve: Lugh, were you close with your Fomorian family growing up?
Lugh: No, I wasn't.
Maeve: Why was that?
Lugh: Because of how horrible Balor was to my mother.
Bres: Objection, Your Honor! Conjecture. Does the witness have any proof of Balor's relationship with his daughter?
Amergin: Sustained. Maeve, please provide evidence for your witness's charge.
Maeve: Fair enough. Lugh, what have witnesses expressed, in word and in writing, about your grandfather's relationship with your mother?
Lugh: Once my mother fell in love with my father, my grandfather, Balor, wasn't happy at all. I was conceived, and a prophecy was stated, in which it was foretold that I would be the one to kill my grandfather. Balor then sent me away from my natural family, to be fostered in the house of Manannan mac Lir.
Bres: Objection! Your Honor, this is conjecture.
Maeve: Your Honor, I present Exhibit A: a letter from Balor to Eithne, in which he condemns her affair with Cian. Exhibit B is a letter from Balor to Manannan, asking the sea lord to take care of his annoying grandspawn after Balor tossed Lugh in the sea.
Amergin: Continue, Maeve.
Maeve: Lugh, tell the court about your arrival to the court of Nuada.
Lugh: I grew up in a happy home, but I knew I was destined for something great, so I ventured to the court of Nuada, king of the Tuatha de Danaan, to prove my worth, since the Fomorians oppressed the Tuatha and I wouldn't mind getting revenge on Balor. I asked the porter at the door if it'd be okay for me to join Nuada's household, but he said no one just signs up without having special skills. I recited all my abilities—smithing, healing, poetry, magic—but they already had guys doing all of that stuff.
Finally, I had the idea to ask if there was any one person within Nuada's court who could do all of that at once. The porter said no, so I entered Nuada's court with the moniker of "Samildanach," which indicates my many gifts. I proved how awesome I was by showing off for Nuada. Nuada even let me help him in planning battle against the Fomorians—he also let me be king for thirteen days. I got the help of my foster dad, Manannan mac Lir, against the Fomorians.
Maeve: Describe the resulting battle of the Tuatha de Danaan against the Fomorians.
Lugh: I asked each party who served Nuada what he/she could bring to the battle. They got really confident and we fought the Fomorians at Mag Tuiread. We were winning when my evil grandfather killed Nuada. Our troops were losing heart, but then, when Balor was about to open his evil eye and destroy everyone, I used my slingshot to pop his eye right out of his noggin. That killed him—and fulfilled the prophecy—saving the day for the Tuatha de Danaan.
Maeve: No more questions, Your Honor.
Bres: Lugh, please tell us about your relationship with the Sons of Tuireann.
Lugh: These brothers—Brian, Iuchar, and Iucharba—killed my father, Cian, so I wanted revenge. In order to exact my price, I demanded that they go on quests for me to collect eight items. These treasures were: a magic cauldron, a chariot that one can ride on water—plus two horses to lead it, three special apples that would take the pain away of whomever ate them, a magical healing pigskin, a dog, a special spear, and three porkers that one can eat again and again. Lastly, I wanted them to shout three times from a nearby hill.
Bres: And you deemed this fair compensation?
Lugh: Yes.
Bres: Continue. What happened then?
Lugh: These treasures could help me in future battle, so I demanded they get them for me. Once the brothers got seven out of the eight tasks completed, I put a spell on them, making them homesick. They came back to Ireland and gave me the seven, but I forced them to go shout on the hill. The soldiers I stationed there killed them, but those idiots were able to get out a few yelps, so they died honorably.
Bres: Your Honor, does that sound like an honorable death to you? Lugh tricked them into coming home early. If that's not dishonesty, what is?
Amergin: I call for a lunchtime recess. I'll deliberate in my chambers.
[Fifteen minutes later]
Amergin: I declare Lugh free and clear of all charges brought against him!