Interview with Ma'ahes
Sports TV
The screen breaks to a giant graphic titled EGYPTIAN GODS MMA: THEBAN FINALS, as heroic music plays in the background. A reporter appears on the left, dressed in a fancy white and gold kilt and a jeweled wig, and walks across the screen in front of the graphic, projected on a giant video screen.
Reporter: Good evening, Kemet! I’m Herihotep, and tonight begins the Theban Finals of this year’s Egyptian Gods MMA Tournament!
The music stops and the graphic erupts to show a number of buff, angry-looking gods duking it out with their fists, various weapons, and even gnawing on each other in various animal forms, to the cheers of many Egyptians in the chairs gathered around a large fighting ring, draped with Egyptian Gods MMA banners and flags.
The images change to reflect the matches Herihotep is referring to in his recap:
Herihotep: This year’s matches have been positively brutal! Early in the inundation season, we saw Seth go down in flames when Horus the Younger managed to harpoon him in the [censored beep]—but not before Seth managed to claw out one of the Golden Boy’s eyes! Not in the face! That had to hurt.
The screen briefly shows the two gods clashing, with a big black censor box over Seth’s kilt. Most of the men in the audience make groaning noises, and Herihotep clears his throat and continues quickly.
Herihotep: Then, it was the grudge match between the Memphites, Ptah and Sekhmet, over who was responsible for last year’s flooding! We really thought Ptah was going to win with that blacksmithing hammer… but then Sekhmet turned on the solar power! BOOM! Game over, Ptah, no wonder you hang out with Sokar in the darkness these days! Talk about domestic violence! He’s lucky she was still hung over!
The audience chuckles as an image of Sekhmet whacking Ptah upside the skullcap with a glowing sun disk fills the screen.
Herihotep: This year’s surprise battle was the cage match between Amun-Ra, King of the Gods, and Tesshup, the Hittite storm god from up north! Usually, we don’t admit foreign gods to the championships, but Ramses insisted after Tesshup and his servant, Hatti’s king Hattusili the Third, insulted Amun at the Kadesh war games. Nobody gets away with insulting Amun-Ra. Nobody. Not even a thunder god. Watch the Hidden One take him down!
The crowd breaks into cheers and chants of “Amun! Amun!” as the screen shows Amun-Ra knocking a bearded, angry looking barbarian god over the side of a mountain with his khopesh sword.
Herihotep: Take that, Tesshup! Be lucky he didn’t throw his throne at you, too!
The screen fades to show a set of tournament ladders. All of the gods’ names are listed at various stages, and crossed out as they are eliminated, until two names remain. The graphic swooshes out and shows the two names very large: MA’AHES VS. APEP. The music swells to a heroic finish, and Herihotep grins at the camera.
Herihotep: That’s right, folks. All these epic battles, between friends and family, enemies and allies, have landed us here, to the Theban finals. And tonight, it will all be decided. Tonight, two titans of the Two Lands will enter the ring one last time to find out which one will be victorious. Tonight is the night!
The crowd begins to chant “Two gods enter, one god leaves!” until Herihotep waves for them to be silent, and a lion-headed man strides on to the stage beside him. As Ma’ahes stands there, his muscles ripple and quiver, the crowd breaks into cheers, and Herihotep bows in reverence.
Herihotep: Good evening, Lord of Massacres. It’s so exciting to be able to talk to you before your final battle.
Ma’ahes: Final? For him, maybe. (He jabs a clawed hand back toward the edge of the stage.) It’s all over for Apep. I’m going to uncreate him. You watch.
Herihotep: (grinning) Oh, we will, we will. In fact, we can’t wait. This is the most epic battle since the last time someone killed Apep. This is the battle to end all—
Ma’ahes: (interrupting) What do you mean, the last time?
Herihotep: (startled) Seth killed him.
Ma’ahes: What do you mean, Seth killed him?
Herihotep: Seth killed him. This morning. Didn’t you see that red sky?
Ma’ahes: (looking up absentmindedly) Sure. It was pretty.
Herihotep: It was evil uncreated snake blood! It was Apep’s death rattle! It was—
Ma’ahes: But I have to fight him tonight.
Herihotep: That’s right.
Ma’ahes: But you just said Seth killed him.
Herihotep: (smiling nervously) Well, yes…
Ma’ahes: (growling) That doesn’t make any sense.
Herihotep: Sure it does. Apep dies every morning. Then he comes back.
Ma’ahes: (growling some more and cracking his knuckles) We’ll see about that. How about he dies for good this time?
The audience applauds wildly and the camera pans through the front row.
Seth: (revealed to be sitting in the audience, with an ice pack balanced across his lap) Good luck with that, kid.