You may think it would be pretty cool to be the girl whose face launched a thousand ships. But those ships weren't heading to a relaxing Bermuda vacation. They were sailing away to war. Not so cool anymore, right?
I’m here to tell you ladies that being the most beautiful woman in the world ain’t
all it’s cracked up to be.
Trouble started for me not long after I emerged from the egg laid by my mother Leda.
If you’re wondering why my mom laid an egg, it’s because my dad Zeus seduced her in
the form of a swan.
Yep, things were a little twisted in ancient Greece. But I digress...
The first time I ran into trouble was when that lechy king of Athens,
Theseus, kidnapped me when I was a little girl.
Luckily, my brothers Castor and Pollux marched an army to Athens and rescued me, and I was
back to our hometown of Sparta before anything too traumatic happened.
“Traumatic” being a relative term in Greece.
You’d think having one war fought over you would be enough for one lifetime,
but the Fates had more in store for me.
Eventually, I married a beefy guy
from Mycenae <<MY-suh-NAE>> named Menelaus <<men-uh-LAY-iss>>.
To be frank, I wasn’t into him.
He was kinda dumb and always played second fiddle
to his egomaniacal brother Agamemnon <<ag-uh-MEM-non>>.
My father insisted, though.
So the next thing I know, Menelaus and I were stuck together for better or worse.
And believe me when I say that it was about to get a lot worse.
One day, in walked the charming, handsome Paris of Troy.
It’s part of my job as Queen of Sparta to entertain foreign envoys.
Little did I know what sort of entertainment this foreigner had in mind.
Turns out he’d just judged a beauty contest between Hera, Athena, and Aphrodite.
Because Paris judged Aphrodite the most beautiful, the goddess of love awarded me as the prize.
Can you believe it? Just like my father, the goddess sold me like a piece of meat.
Next thing I knew, Aphrodite caused me to fall madly in love with Paris,
and I was sailing with him back to Troy.
Needless to say, this did not go over well with Menelaus or the rest of Greece.
They showed up at the gates of Troy with a gigantic army, and they were beyond ticked off.
Paris refused to give me back, and the horrible Trojan War ensued.
The war revealed a couple things to me. For one, war is gross. Real gross.
For two, Paris was a total wuss-ball.
Half the time, he hid in the back of the lines and let his brother Hector fight his battles for him.
Yeah, somewhere in there Aphrodite’s spell wore off, and I saw him for what he was.
It was all really terrible.
The Trojans hated me because I’d brought all this down on them,
and the Greeks all thought I was a tramp.
Everybody hated me more and more as the war got bloodier and bloodier.
There was death everywhere.
Hector died, the Greek hero Achilles died, even Paris died.
And, eventually, thanks to Odysseus’s wooden horse trick all of Troy went up in flames.
I thought Menelaus was going to kill me when he came marching into Troy.
But I batted my eyes, and the dumb lunk took me back.
And now I’m forever known as the face that launched a thousand ships.
I try to tell my side of the story,
but everybody still thinks I’m a vain, self-centered floozy
who brought nothing but destruction to the world.
So there you have it.
Being the hottest woman on Earth… really isn’t so hot.