You’d think that someone who can play with a fancy trident and summon the powers of the ocean would be happy, happy, happy. However, all sour-puss Poseidon seems to be able to do is complain, complain, complain. Apparently being a god isn’t the sweet, heavenly bliss we imagine.
Okay, okay, I admit that I have a bit of a temper.
But did YOUR dad eat you, and then barf you back up again?
Yeah. I didn't think so...
And I'm always coming in second fiddle to my perfect brother, Zeus.
Just because he's the only one of us who escaped dad's little snack attacks,
the guy thinks he's king of the gods or something like that...
Zeus is going to tell you it’s all fair and square, because we drew straws to pick kingdoms.
But of course, he managed to get the best deal…control of the heavens!
Poor Hades got the underworld... man, better him than me…
And what did I get? A kingdom full of fish, pee, and trash.
Thanks a lot, litterbugs…
Well, on the other hand, I do have a neato pointy trident...
…and I can use the ocean as my mood ring.
In the rare event that I'm in a good mood, I might summon islands with my mighty trident.
I think Hawaii is probably my fave.
When I'm not out riding in my awesome chariot,
or training attack sharks...
…I'm usually busy populating the world with illegitimate children.
I even had a fling with Medusa.
Don't judge me, she had normal hair when we met.
Not that it would have made a difference.
Now her sister with the spider hair…that's another story...
Sure, technically I’m married, but Amphitrite <Am-fuh-TRY-tee> seems to be okay with things
None of my kids are as famous as Zeus' little hotshots,
but Triton did get to be a movie star...
Truth be told, I don't really care for most of my relatives.
My niece, Athena, for example.
She thinks she's so great because she popped out of Zeus' head.
Man, I wish I could take an Advil and make her disappear. …
The people of Athens actually picked the little brat as their god instead of me,
because she gave them an olive tree.
Now they can make oil and Greek salads. Big whoop.
I gave them an awesome pool of saltwater, full of salt! And water!
Sure, you can't drink it, but it's perfect for gargling!
To teach them a lesson, I took away Athens’ fresh water supply.
Enjoy your nice cold glass of olive bark!
Another reason Athena and I don't get along... she constantly overreacts.
Like when Medusa and I were having a little "alone time" in Athena's temple.
I guess there must've been a security camera or something,
because she found out, and gave Medusa her slithering hair extensions.
She also helped Perseus <Pur-zee-us> chop her head off.
Kinda harsh, don't you think? Some goddess of wisdom.
More like goddess of cold, hard revenge.
You know who else I really hate? Odysseus <Oh-DIS-ee-us>.
He poked out the eye of my son, Polyphemus <Polly-FEE-mus> , which is
a pretty big deal if you're a cyclops…
So I had a bit of fun dissing Odysseus, and got him lost on the sea for about 20 years.
He deserved it...do you know how many seeing eye dogs I go through with Polyphemus? …
And then Odysseus comes back a hero, and Homer writes a glowing epic about him.
Where is little Polly's poem? All right, that’s enough jibber jabber.
Take care of your oceans, kids! Or else…