Punctuation Introduction

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Like grammar nerds like to say, punctuation is a matter of life and death. There's a huge difference between "Let's eat, Grandma" and "Let's eat Grandma."

Ba-dum ching!

Yes, grammarians can also be cornballs. But grammar truly is a matter of life and death… of your dignity as a writer. And as a human being.

You could write that, "Rachel Ray finds inspiration in cooking her family and her dog." Oof.

You could post a sign in the disabled/family restroom at your establishment that reads "Attention: toilet only for disabled elderly pregnant children." Oof. Oof. And also—what?!

And it ain't just commas that spell the difference between cannibalism and family dining or embarrassment and writing proficiency.

Without periods, you could end up writing "I have two hours to kill someone come hang out." (Terrifying.)

Overindulgence in quotation marks could have you saying that your restaurant serves the best "chicken" in town, leading hungry would-be patrons to think "Uh, what is that chicken really made out of?"

Basically, all punctuation is there for a reason. It shows degrees of separation and emphasis. In fact, when you think about it, punctuation symbols are a lot like road signs. No, they're not huge and green. They tell your reader when to look alive and anticipate, when to slow down, and when to come to a complete stop.

Simply put, punctuation symbols are a powerful tool. Use them to get your audience to read your writing exactly how you want it to be read. Feel the power!

Disclaimer

Punctuation is, uh, kind of made up.

See, it was originally used to help people know when to pause in a sentence. Comma was a short pause, semi-colon was a longer pause, and period was a full stop. So who are we to tell you that YOU CANNOT USE A COMMA THERE?

Plus, with the thousand ways we now have to communicate, punctuation is always changing. Remember when a period didn't mean you were angry? Those were the days.

Bottom line: take everything everyone says about punctuation with a grain of salt. Yes, you need to pass your grammar exam, but you don't need to deal with grammar tyrants.

Quiz Yourself on Punctuation

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Which option below revises the sentence to make the dash more appropriate? 


The spider crawled down the wall—and onto my sister's head.


(A) The spider crawled down the wall—landing on my sister's head.
(B) The spider crawled down the wall—and onto my sister's head!
(C) The spider was crawling down the wall—my sister's head was right there.
(D) The spider was crawling down the wall—straight toward my sister's head!

Which of the following sentences is grammatically incorrect?

(A) We could buy mom the red F-150 she has always wanted; or a baby blue convertible because I don't think muscle cars are truly her style.
(B) Neither Kat nor Kit felt any bit upset; they had never liked the stinky rat their dad bought them anyway.
(C) I searched the dance floor multiple times, but I fear that my great-grandmother's ruby ring is lost forever at Discos-R-Us.
(D) The little boy wondered if eating too many oranges would turn his skin orange; he really liked eating oranges.

Choose the option that quotes the statement below correctly.


I would like to thank my parents who devoted so much hard work and so many resources to raising me. I know you two weren't happy about all the acting classes, drama boot camps, and speech therapists I asked you to pay for. But hey, I made it, so you can't say I wasn't worth the expense! In all seriousness, I would not be here accepting the Award for Best Actor if it weren't for you.


(A) "I would like to thank my parents who devoted so much hard work and so many resources to raising me. I would not be here accepting the Award for Best Actor if it weren't for you."
(B) "I would like to thank my parents… I asked you to pay for. But hey, I made it, so you can't say I wasn't worth the expense!"
(C) "I would like to thank my parents for all the hard work and resources they devoted to raising me. I know you two weren't happy about all… I asked you to pay for. But hey, I made it, so you can't say I wasn't worth the expense!"
(D) "I would like to thank my parents who… say I wasn't worth the expense… I would not be here accepting the Award for Best Car Commercial Actor if it weren't for you."

In terms of punctuation, which of the following sentences is most grammatically sound?

(A) Because my brother has to wear sports goggles (everyone calls him laser beam).
(B) I know exactly which page of my diary contains my deepest secrets, but I'm not telling you (132).
(A) She wanted to continue (playing dress up), but her mom thought fourteen was a little too old.
(D) All the children loved the entertainment at the birthday party (Giggles the clown).

How would you correct the following passage? 


My friends and I had a cannonball contest yesterday. Josh went first, and he had a decent splash. The judges granted him a 6.5. Tony went next; his form has always been impeccable. He got a 7. I was last and scored a whopping 8.5. I thought the scoring was fair. (My friends know I'm a natural). Josh and Tony didn't agree, claiming I rigged it.


(A) Delete the comma after "first."
(B) Replace the semicolon after "next" with a period.
(C) Move the period after the parenthesis inside of it.
(D) Change the last sentence to "agree, they claimed."

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