Punctuation Introduction

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Like grammar nerds like to say, punctuation is a matter of life and death. There's a huge difference between "Let's eat, Grandma" and "Let's eat Grandma."

Ba-dum ching!

Yes, grammarians can also be cornballs. But grammar truly is a matter of life and death… of your dignity as a writer. And as a human being.

You could write that, "Rachel Ray finds inspiration in cooking her family and her dog." Oof.

You could post a sign in the disabled/family restroom at your establishment that reads "Attention: toilet only for disabled elderly pregnant children." Oof. Oof. And also—what?!

And it ain't just commas that spell the difference between cannibalism and family dining or embarrassment and writing proficiency.

Without periods, you could end up writing "I have two hours to kill someone come hang out." (Terrifying.)

Overindulgence in quotation marks could have you saying that your restaurant serves the best "chicken" in town, leading hungry would-be patrons to think "Uh, what is that chicken really made out of?"

Basically, all punctuation is there for a reason. It shows degrees of separation and emphasis. In fact, when you think about it, punctuation symbols are a lot like road signs. No, they're not huge and green. They tell your reader when to look alive and anticipate, when to slow down, and when to come to a complete stop.

Simply put, punctuation symbols are a powerful tool. Use them to get your audience to read your writing exactly how you want it to be read. Feel the power!

Disclaimer

Punctuation is, uh, kind of made up.

See, it was originally used to help people know when to pause in a sentence. Comma was a short pause, semi-colon was a longer pause, and period was a full stop. So who are we to tell you that YOU CANNOT USE A COMMA THERE?

Plus, with the thousand ways we now have to communicate, punctuation is always changing. Remember when a period didn't mean you were angry? Those were the days.

Bottom line: take everything everyone says about punctuation with a grain of salt. Yes, you need to pass your grammar exam, but you don't need to deal with grammar tyrants.

Quiz Yourself on Punctuation

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You are drafting your first essay for your English class. The prompt asks you to write a narrative telling a story of how you developed one of your fears. You write about your unfortunate first encounter with that blood-curdlingly terrifying species known as the squirrel. Which of the following passages does not belong in your narrative essay?

(A) Then he jumped on me! Squirrels are the most swift and vicious animals that have ever lived!
(B) When the squirrel bit into my arm, I screamed, "Ouch! I'm going to die!"
(C) You will never believe what happened next—the rest of the squirrel's family came after me!
(D) I ran quickly, seeking refuge. Eureka! I spotted a mossy pond, which kept the feisty family at bay.

Which choice is grammatically incorrect?

(A) Every Easter, the Millers host an Easter egg hunt in their backyard for all of kids in our neighborhood. The Millers are very generous people.
(B) After this year's hunt, all but one of the children passed out on the porch in a sugar-induced coma, he stole Mr. Miller's car and left.
(C) The police quickly began tracking Harold, the boy who stole the car; he led them on a manhunt that spanned three counties.
(D) While I stuffed my face with peanut butter eggs, I watched the dramatic chase unfold on CNN with my husband. Little Harold? He was finally apprehended just outside of Atlanta.

Which sentence is grammatically correct?

(A) Sally went to the beach: and collected over 284 seashells in just one day!
(B) Just one second: where do you think you're going with all appetizers?
(C) The previously winless basketball team is on a rampage: they've won twenty games in a row!
(D) During the ride, please hold on to: anything that might fall out of your pockets, as well as your mommy's hand.

Chester is writing a horror short story for her English class. Which of the following choices uses ellipses most effectively?

(A) Arya ran into the bedroom, slamming the door behind her. She leaned against it, panting. She could hear footsteps approaching. Her pursuer moved quickly yet deliberately, and with each thud of his boots, Arya's eyes widened with fear. He reached the door and then… nothing. Total silence. What was he waiting for?
(B) Arya ran into the bedroom, slamming the door behind her. She leaned against it… panting. She could hear footsteps approaching. Her pursuer moved quickly yet deliberately, and with each thud of his boots… Arya's eyes widened with fear. He reached the door and then nothing. Total silence…. What was he waiting for?
(C) Arya ran into the bedroom, slamming the door behind her. She leaned against it, panting. She could hear footsteps approaching… Her pursuer moved quickly yet deliberately, and with each thud of his boots, Arya's eyes widened with fear. He reached the door and then nothing. Total silence. What was he waiting for?
(D) Arya ran into the bedroom, slamming the door behind her… She leaned against it, panting…. She could hear footsteps approaching…. Her pursuer moved quickly yet deliberately, and with each thud of his boots, Arya's eyes widened with fear. He reached the door and then… nothing. Total silence. What was he waiting for?

Choose the sentence that should have a semicolon inserted in the blank.

(A) For some reason my puppy really likes the color orange__ so I bought him a stuffed tiger to chew on tonight.
(B) When Jake grows up to be big and strong__I expect that he will be the greatest firefighter Flamesville has ever seen.
(C) In the car my cousin said he wanted rainbow sherbet__ however he started crying when we did not get him chocolate.
(D) Everyone knows that cheetahs are the fastest animals__ but what most people don't know is that they are also extremely lazy.

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