Interview with Heka
Heka Unchained Radio Show
Heka: Good morning, ladies and germs. Well, that's ladies and gents, but I don't suppose all you guys out there are actually nice folks, like my friend Ra. Anyway, welcome to Heka Unchained, my show that tells you all you need to know about everything magic and magical in Egypt and beyond. Let's kick off today's show with some callers. Line 1?
Isis: Hi, Heka. It's Isis.
Heka: I-Town! How's it going?
Isis: Not great. You see, my husband, Osiris, was torn to pieces.
Heka: That really sucks. What can I do to help?
Isis: I need him back! What can I do? Can I raise him from the dead?
Heka: I'm not sure about that, but I think I have an idea. Go on a body scavenger hunt—track down all of his missing body parts and put them back together.
Isis: I can do that. I just got a GPS. But... one more thing. I also want to have a baby!
Heka: So?
Isis: What if I can't find... you know... his male parts?
Heka: I'll e-mail you a spell that will allow you to make new ones from scratch. It'll still be his..stuff...you can have the kid you've always wanted.
Isis: Oh, thank you!
Heka: Sure thing. Next caller.
Thutmose III: Hey. This is Big Thutmose, a.k.a. T-to-the-Max, a.k.a. the Mose-st.
Heka: Okay...what can I do for you?
Thutmose III: I've got one little—or rather big—problem. See, there's this lady that's cramping my royal style. She's taken over all of my responsibilities and doesn't leave me with anything to do. I mean, I love her and all since she's technically step-family, but I don't love her that much. How can I get rid of her?
Heka: Are you talking about Hatshepsut?
Thutmose III: Nope. Just about some lady I know. Another lady. Maybe an aunt or grandmother.
Heka: I think you mean your stepmother, who is now pharaoh in your place. I'm a god, sure, but I don't want to mess with any death magic or worry that I killed the queen. I'm afraid I can't help you.
Thutmose III: [hangs up]
Heka: That was rude. But, anyway, folks, this is the portion of the show where we interview famous magicians. That's right, we have the one and only Djedi in the house. Ladies and gents, make some noise for Djedi!
Djedi: Thank you, thank you, thank you. Heka, what's up?
Heka: Excited to have you here, man! For those who don't know your story, can you tell them a bit about your wizardly ways?
Djedi: Of course. So, I became famous when Prince Hardedef, son of King Khufu, told his dad about me waaaay back in the day. At that time, I was only 110 years old.
Heka: Only?
Djedi: Yeah. I've got millennia on most mortals now. Anyway, Khufu was intrigued when he found out that I ate enough food in one day to feed a whole province. I chowed down on half an ox, 500 loaves of bread, and even more. I could also tame lions and do other cool things that pharaohs like.
Heka: Weren't you a bit chubby from all that food?
Djedi: Not after chasing lions down, I wasn't. I also knew all how many rooms Thoth had in his secret mansion, which Khufu really wanted to know, so he brought me to court.
Khufu was also into one of my specialties, which is reattaching the head and body of a dead animal. I showed him what I could do on a goose, ox, and a tall bird.
Heka: I taught you that one, didn't I?
Djedi: I think so. Anyway, Khufu finally asked me how many rooms Thoth had in his mansion. I told him that the only person that could tell him that was the oldest kid of a powerful priest's wife. That priest would one day be pharaoh.
Heka: What then? What did you do?
Djedi: Khufu got depressed, since he wasn't sure his own family would last too long as kings. However, I used my magic abilities to divine that his dynasty would continue to rule for a while. Before the aforementioned priestly family became kings, Khufu's clan would reign supreme for a long time. He was super happy with that, so he gave me a ton of food to take home with me. Nothing like royal leftovers!
Heka: Sounds like a sweet gig.
Djedi: It was!
Heka: All right, I think that's all we have time for today, folks. On next week's Heka Unchained, learn how to turn your ex-boyfriend into a toad!