Enter Mistress Quickly and Simple. MISTRESS QUICKLY
What, John Rugby! Enter John
Rugby. I pray thee, go to the casement and see if
you can see my master, Master Doctor Caius, coming.
If he do, i’ faith, and find anybody in the
house, here will be an old abusing of God’s patience 5
and the King’s English. RUGBY
I’ll go watch. MISTRESS QUICKLY
Go, and we’ll have a posset for ’t
soon at night, in faith, at the latter end of a seacoal
fire. Rugby exits. An honest, willing, kind fellow 10
as ever servant shall come in house withal; and, I
warrant you, no telltale nor no breed-bate. His
worst fault is that he is given to prayer. He is something
peevish that way, but nobody but has his
fault. But let that pass. Peter Simple you say your 15
name is? SIMPLE
Ay, for fault of a better. MISTRESS QUICKLY And Master Slender’s your master? SIMPLE
Ay, forsooth. MISTRESS QUICKLY
Does he not wear a great round 20
beard like a glover’s paring knife? SIMPLE No, forsooth. He hath but a little wee face,
with a little yellow beard, a Cain-colored beard. MISTRESS QUICKLY
A softly-sprited man, is he not? SIMPLE Ay, forsooth. But he is as tall a man of his 25
hands as any is between this and his head. He hath
fought with a warrener. MISTRESS QUICKLY
How say you? O, I should remember
him. Does he not hold up his head, as it were,
and strut in his gait? 30 SIMPLE
Yes, indeed, does he. MISTRESS QUICKLY Well, heaven send Anne Page no
worse fortune! Tell Master Parson Evans I will do
what I can for your master. Anne is a good girl, and
I wish— 35 Enter Rugby. RUGBY
Out, alas! Here comes my master. MISTRESS QUICKLY
We shall all be shent.—Run in here,
good young man. Go into this closet. He will not
stay long. Simple exits. What, John Rugby!
John! What, John, I say! Go, John, go enquire for 40
my master. I doubt he be not well, that he comes
not home. Rugby exits. She sings. And down, down, adown ’a, etc. | Over at Doctor Caius's house, the servant Peter Simple has arrived with a letter for Mistress Quickly. (Remember how Sir Hugh wrote a letter asking Mistress Quickly to be a go-between?) Mistress Quickly asks a servant (John Rugby) to go to the window and be on the lookout for Doctor Caius, who'll be crazy jealous if he comes home and finds another guy in his house. After some discussion about how Slender is the kind of guy who "struts" around with his nose up in the air, Mistress Quickly says she'll do her best to help Slender hook up with Anne Page. Rugby runs into the room and warns Mistress Quickly that Doctor Caius is home. (Here's where the play starts to look like a modern day TV sitcom. All that's missing is a laugh track.) Mistress Quickly stashes Simple in the closet. |
Enter Doctor Caius. DOCTOR CAIUS
Vat is you sing? I do not like dese toys.
Pray you, go and vetch me in my closet un boîtier 45
vert, a box, a green-a box. Do intend vat I speak?
A green-a box. MISTRESS QUICKLY
Ay, forsooth. I’ll fetch it you.
Aside. I am glad he went not in himself. If he
had found the young man, he would have been 50
horn-mad. She exits. DOCTOR CAIUS
Fe, fe, fe, fe! Ma foi, il fait fort chaud. Je
m’en vais à la cour—la grande affaire. Enter Mistress Quickly with a small box. MISTRESS QUICKLY
Is it this, sir? DOCTOR CAIUS Oui, mets-le à mon pocket. Dépêche, 55
quickly. Vere is dat knave Rugby? MISTRESS QUICKLY What, John Rugby, John! Enter Rugby. RUGBY Here, sir. DOCTOR CAIUS
You are John Rugby, and you are Jack
Rugby. Come, take-a your rapier, and come after 60
my heel to the court. RUGBY
’Tis ready, sir, here in the porch. DOCTOR CAIUS
By my trot, I tarry too long. Od’s
me! Qu’ai-j’oublié? Dere is some simples in my
closet dat I vill not for the varld I shall leave 65
behind. He exits. MISTRESS QUICKLY
Ay me! He’ll find the young man
there, and be mad! Enter Doctor Caius. DOCTOR CAIUS
O diable, diable! Vat is in my closet? Villainy!
Larron! Pulling out Simple. Rugby, my 70
rapier! MISTRESS QUICKLY
Good master, be content. DOCTOR CAIUS Wherefore shall I be content-a? MISTRESS QUICKLY
The young man is an honest man. DOCTOR CAIUS
What shall de honest man do in my 75
closet? Dere is no honest man dat shall come in
my closet. MISTRESS QUICKLY I beseech you, be not so phlegmatic.
Hear the truth of it. He came of an errand to me
from Parson Hugh. 80 DOCTOR CAIUS
Vell? SIMPLE
Ay, forsooth. To desire her to— MISTRESS QUICKLY Peace, I pray you. DOCTOR CAIUS
Peace-a your tongue.—Speak-a your
tale. 85 SIMPLE
To desire this honest gentlewoman, your
maid, to speak a good word to Mistress Anne Page
for my master in the way of marriage. MISTRESS QUICKLY This is all, indeed, la! But I’ll ne’er
put my finger in the fire, and need not. 90 | Caius enters the room and asks Mistress Quickly to fetch his green box. From the closet. Quickly manages to grab the box without Doctor Caius seeing Simple. (Whew. Close call.) Then Caius remembers that, hey, he also needs some medicine from the same closet. Before Mistress Quickly can stop him, he runs over, flings open the doors, and spots Simple hiding in the closet. (Busted! We told you this was like a wacky sitcom.) Before Caius can stab Simple in the guts with his sword, Mistress Quickly intervenes, and Simple explains that he just came to deliver a note from Sir Hugh asking Mistress Quickly to put in a good word for Slender with Anne Page. |
DOCTOR CAIUS, to Simple Sir Hugh send-a you?—
Rugby, baille me some paper.—Tarry you a little-a
while. Rugby brings paper, and Doctor Caius writes. MISTRESS QUICKLY, aside to Simple
I am glad he is so
quiet. If he had been throughly moved, you should 95
have heard him so loud and so melancholy. But
notwithstanding, man, I’ll do you your master
what good I can. And the very yea and the no is,
the French doctor, my master—I may call him my
master, look you, for I keep his house, and I wash, 100
wring, brew, bake, scour, dress meat and drink,
make the beds, and do all myself— SIMPLE, aside to Quickly
’Tis a great charge to come
under one body’s hand. MISTRESS QUICKLY, aside to Simple
Are you advised o’ 105
that? You shall find it a great charge. And to be up
early and down late. But notwithstanding—to tell
you in your ear; I would have no words of it—my
master himself is in love with Mistress Anne Page.
But notwithstanding that, I know Anne’s mind. 110
That’s neither here nor there. DOCTOR CAIUS, handing paper to Simple
You, jack’nape,
give-a this letter to Sir Hugh. By gar, it is a
shallenge. I will cut his troat in de park, and I will
teach a scurvy jackanape priest to meddle or 115
make. You may be gone. It is not good you tarry
here.—By gar, I will cut all his two stones. By gar,
he shall not have a stone to throw at his dog. Simple exits. MISTRESS QUICKLY
Alas, he speaks but for his friend. DOCTOR CAIUS
It is no matter-a ver dat. Do not you tell-a 120
me dat I shall have Anne Page for myself? By gar, I
vill kill de jack priest; and I have appointed mine
Host of de Jarteer to measure our weapon. By gar,
I will myself have Anne Page. MISTRESS QUICKLY
Sir, the maid loves you, and all shall 125
be well. We must give folks leave to prate. What
the goodyear! DOCTOR CAIUS
Rugby, come to the court with me. To
Mistress Quickly. By gar, if I have not Anne Page,
I shall turn your head out of my door.—Follow my 130
heels, Rugby. MISTRESS QUICKLY
You shall have Anne— Caius and Rugby exit. fool’s head of your own. No, I know Anne’s mind
for that. Never a woman in Windsor knows more
of Anne’s mind than I do, nor can do more than I 135
do with her, I thank heaven. | Unfortunately, Simple's explanation doesn't help. It turns out that Caius also wants to marry Anne and Mistress Quickly has already promised to help him. Caius makes Rugby get him a piece of paper and writes a note to Sir Hugh, in which he calls him a "scurvy jackanape priest" and threatens to cut out his '"two stones." Yeah, that means what you think it means. Mistress Quickly points out that Sir Hugh was asking on behalf of a friend, but Caius doesn't care. He'll kill the priest anyway. He also threatens to throw Mistress Quickly out of his house if she doesn't get Anne Page to marry him. Then he storms out while Mistress Quickly mutters under her breath that he's a fool. |
FENTON, within
Who’s within there, ho? MISTRESS QUICKLY
Who’s there, I trow? Come near the
house, I pray you. Enter Fenton. FENTON
How now, good woman? How dost thou? 140 MISTRESS QUICKLY
The better that it pleases your good
Worship to ask. FENTON
What news? How does pretty Mistress Anne? MISTRESS QUICKLY In truth, sir, and she is pretty, and
honest, and gentle; and one that is your friend, I 145
can tell you that by the way, I praise heaven for it. FENTON Shall I do any good, think’st thou? Shall I not
lose my suit? MISTRESS QUICKLY Troth, sir, all is in His hands above.
But notwithstanding, Master Fenton, I’ll be sworn 150
on a book she loves you. Have not your Worship a
wart above your eye? FENTON Yes, marry, have I. What of that? MISTRESS QUICKLY
Well, thereby hangs a tale. Good
faith, it is such another Nan! But, I detest, an honest 155
maid as ever broke bread. We had an hour’s
talk of that wart. I shall never laugh but in that
maid’s company. But, indeed, she is given too
much to allicholy and musing. But, for you,—well,
go to. 160 FENTON Well, I shall see her today. Hold, there’s
money for thee. He hands her money. Let me
have thy voice in my behalf. If thou see’st her before
me, commend me. MISTRESS QUICKLY
Will I? I’ faith, that we will. And I 165
will tell your Worship more of the wart the next
time we have confidence, and of other wooers. FENTON Well, farewell. I am in great haste now. MISTRESS QUICKLY
Farewell to your Worship. Fenton exits. Truly an honest gentleman—but Anne loves him 170
not, for I know Anne’s mind as well as another
does. Out upon ’t! What have I forgot? She exits. | Next, a guy named Master Fenton shows up and we find out that, you guessed it, Mistress Quickly has also agreed to help him pursue Anne Page. Mistress Quickly may have a little too much on her plate, don't you think? Quickly tells Fenton what he wants to hear: that Anne is in love with him. In fact, she says that just the other day she and Anne spent an hour talking about the sexy wart above his eye. (Yes. A sexy wart. And he buys it!) Fenton gives Mistress Quickly a bunch of money for helping him and she promises to talk him up the next time she sees Anne. Fenton leaves. Alone on stage, Quickly confesses to the audience that Fenton's a nice guy but she knows for a fact that, "Anne loves him not." |