Thanks a lot, Meletus. Now why am I feeling so dirty?

Oh don't be that way, little Platypus! You're not still sore about that little thing with Socrates, are you?

"Little thing," Meletus? You were the one who brought the lawsuit against Socrates—you and your evil buddy, Anytus. The best man who ever lived and you murdered him. You, you, you…murderer! (Why can I never be eloquent when I'm upset?)

Hey Plats, I saw you tagged me. Wassup, dude?

Anytus! Grrr!

Chill, dude, it's no biggie. All we were saying is your bro Socrates corrupted the youth and didn't believe in the gods. On top of that, he always made the worse argument the stronger and taught the same to others. Dude was like crying out to be put to death!

Plus he liked to sit around suspended in the air thinking about how far a flea could jump.

Thanks, Aristophanes. It was your stupid "comedy" that planted all these bad ideas about Socrates in people's minds. But, okay, Meletus. Are you saying that Socrates was an atheist or that he did believe in gods but just different ones than the city?

Can't I just say "both"? Look, I'm just saying his religious beliefs were weird, okay? I'm not worried about the details.

And, as far as Socrates corrupting the youth, is he the only one to do that, or are there others, too? Who are they? And did he intentionally corrupt the youth? Or did he do so thinking that he was doing something good? In that case, he can't be blamed because he acted out of ignorance.

Wow, Platypus, slow down! I have, like, no clue about what you're saying. You're probably trying to corrupt me. Maybe we should we should bring a new lawsuit. What do you think, Anytus?

Thrasymachus…Thrasymachus…where have I heard that name before? Weren't you one of my characters in the Republic?

"Character"? I am not an animal, I am a human being! Wait a second, that's the line from a movie. Maybe I am just a character, after all. Why do you philosophers always end up confusing me? But look, I wanted to defend your man Socrates. Sure, he made the weaker argument appear stronger. But that just means he's a sophist—and that's a good thing! It shows he knows rhetoric and can convince people to do whatever he wants. It's all about power, baby!

Word.

Word.

Gorgias, Hippias, Thrasymachus? All the sophists are coming out of the woodwork. Are you going to show up too, Protagoras?

Hiya!

Listen up, all of you vulgar sophists. All this talk of rhetoric, convincing people, and power—aren't you forgetting something higher? Something more important? I'll give you a hint: it starts with a "t." That's right—truth! Or, rather, Truth. Truth is all that matters. Who cares if anyone is convinced to believe it?

What a quaint idea, Plato. And how utterly naïve!

Socrates? You're alive? Oh, thank the gods I don't believe in! Wait—is this the real Socrates? Or am I talking to my own character? I'm confused.

Join the club, Plato. But I'm so glad to see you still defending me, my loyal student. Still, you don't have to take such a purist line on all of this. Rhetoric can be a good thing, you know, if it's used for the right purposes. (I may not be quite as different from the sophists as you're suggesting.) Remember what I said in the Phaedrus—that genuine rhetoric is the art of leading the soul toward what is good and true.

Good point. But didn't I make you say that in the Phaedrus? Or was that actually you? I'm so confused.