Interview with Serapis
TV Show: The Ten Million Drachma Man
Scene: What looks to be like a very busy emergency room, with very high-tech machinery and the latest technology, but all of the doctors and nurses are dressed like ancient Greeks, in togas and laurel leaf crowns. Near the doorway to the emergency room, a woman in a long gown is covering her face with her hands, crying, as her little boy clutches at her knees and looks very sad.
The crying woman starts wailing as a stretcher rolls past, carrying the form of a still body underneath a white sheet. Behind the nurse pushing the stretcher, a man walks in, dressed like the other Greeks, but wearing the headdress of an Egyptian pharaoh. He stops to put an arm on the crying woman’s shoulder.
Pharaoh: It’s all right, Isis. It’s going to be all right.
Isis: (looks up from crying) How can you even SAY that, Ptolemy? He’s dead. My beautiful Osiris is dead!
The little boy and the woman resume crying as the stretcher is placed in the center of the room, next to another stretcher with a sheet covering something on top of it. The pharaoh (who we now know is Ptolemy Soter I) bends down and picks the little boy up.
Ptolemy: Shh, shh. No more crying, Harpocrates.
Little boy: My name is Horus.
Ptolemy: (chuckling) Oh, I know it is! In Egyptian. But I’m not an Egyptian.
Horus: Then why are you dressed like an Egyptian?
Ptolemy: Because I am your pharaoh. Until you grow up, of course. And where I come from, we call you Harpocrates, little man. I have some good news: We’re going to bring your daddy back to life.
Isis: (astonished) What? You can’t do that. I couldn’t even do that, and I’m the mistress of magic! What are you talking about? (grabs Horus back from Ptolemy and glares) Don’t you go filling his head with lies—I knew we never should’ve trusted you people.
Ptolemy: Isis, dear lady, please! You know that I love you just as much as I love the Olympians. That’s why we’ve assembled this team. We’re going to rebuild Osiris.
Isis: Rebuild?
Ptolemy: Yes, rebuild. We can do it. We have the technology.
Ptolemy gestures at one of the doctors, who pulls back the sheet covering the second stretcher. On it are a strange looking crown shaped like a modius measure, a thunderbolt, a pair of bull horns, and a pile of grey curly hair.
Ptolemy: Behold, the latest in Olympian technology. We will fuse Zeus’s attributes to your husband, and he’ll be good as new!
Isis: But he’s… dead.
Ptolemy: No problem. That’s what the thunderbolt is for. We’ll just jumpstart him once we sew on the new beard.
Isis: (smiling a bit) Oh, he might like that. He always hated having to wear a fake beard all the time. Said it made his chin hurt.
Ptolemy: After this, Osiris will have all the beard he wants, and then some! Why, he’ll be so beardly, people will mistake him for Zeus Himself! Or even Hades!
Horus: Who’s Hades?
Ptolemy: You don’t want to know, son.
Isis: And the horns?
Ptolemy: Well, in order to bring him back, we’ll have to make some changes. Mostly, we’re going to use the Apis Bull to fill in the parts we can’t resurrect. The Egyptians won’t be able to tell the difference; most of them can’t read, anyhow. (He laughs, then stops when he notices Isis giving him a dirty look.)
Isis: If you are trying to fool my people, I’ll have none of it.
Ptolemy: No, no, that’s not what I meant! We’re not making a false Osiris, we’re just… remodeling him! Isis, nobody wants to worship animals in Greece, but Apis is good for business! So think of it as a merger to benefit both sides. The Egyptians get to keep a god they already know, and the Greeks get a god that they aren’t embarrassed to keep in the shrine next to Aphrodite and Apollo. A god that everybody can worship! Just think of the possibilities.
Isis: I guess… I guess that makes sense. It would be nice to have Osiris back, even if it’s not the way it used to be. It would be nice for Horus to have a father in the living world.
Ptolemy: Exactly. And it will keep peace between all the people in my empire, and peace is good for gods and men. Now, since we’re making Osiris into something new, we’re going to give him a shiny new name, too. How about… Serapis?
Horus: I like it! Can we keep the dog?
Ptolemy and Isis both look over at Horus, who is standing in the doorway of the emergency room. Next to him, a giant, three-headed dog has walked up and sat down.
Isis: What in Ra’s name is THAT?!
Hades: (walking in behind the dog) Oh, don’t mind him. That’s Cerberus. He keeps the dead from coming back, unless I permit it.
Isis: And who are you?
Ptolemy: (nervously) Uh… don’t answer that.
Hades: Why doesn’t anybody want to say my name? It’s like you’re scared to death or something. (He reaches down and shakes Horus’s hand.) Hello, little guy. I’m Hades.
Horus: Hi, Hades! I’m Horus! I like your dog. He’s like Anubis, except he’s a lot scarier!
Cerberus licks Horus with one head, drools with the second, and proceeds to gnaw on his tail with the third. He seems very happy with the little boy’s attention.
Hades: I like him, too. His name is Cerberus. (He grins at Horus.) Tell you what: I’ll let you borrow him, but you have to promise to keep a good leash on him. If he gets away from you, all Hell will break loose.
Ptolemy: You mean all Hades will break loose.
Hades: Well, yes. Hell, Hades, what’s the difference?
Isis: (confused) You’ll break loose if your dog breaks loose?
Hades: Not exactly. It’s complicated. Just don’t let Cerberus loose.
Horus: Aw, really? Mom? Really? Can I keep him?
Isis: (looking dubious) Only if your father says it’s all right…
While this conversation has been going on, the doctors have been working over the dead Osiris on the table. The god sits up, then stands and sneaks up behind Horus, kneeling to pet Cerberus with a deep laugh.
Osiris/Serapis: Sure, son. I know just the snake we can use as a leash, too.
The family embraces. Isis runs her fingers through Osiris’s new and improved beard. Horus climbs on to Cerberus’s back and rides around the room with squeals of glee. Hades disappears from the doorway in a black puff of smoke. Ptolemy looks over at the doctors and gives them a thumbs up and a big grin.
The scene fades to black.