Sprint total time (750m swim, 20km bike, 5k run): 3+ hours

Was it hard for you when everyone thought you were a zombie and tried to hit you with bats? Really, that's the only reason you're going this slowly.

Sprint total time: 2–3 hours

You're better than some, but you're still mistaking a sprint with a marathon. You might want to consider a sport where your nipples aren't going to bleed.

Sprint total time: 1.5–2 hours

You might get in—emphasis on "might." But only if you're really funny or you're great for club morale. You're certainly not impressing anyone with your times.

Sprint total time: 1–1.5 hours

We're proud of you. You're almost fit to call yourself a triathlete. You're not going to go anywhere with it, but you're in better shape than 90% of your friends.

Sprint total time: 50 minutes to 1 hour

You are this close to being really, really good. Shave a little more time off your score, train a little harder, and there just might be a future.